An honest curiosity

I honestly want to know the answer  to this question. This is not in any way intended to offend anyone, I just read an article and it made me start to think. Perhaps there is a better way to do it, but I didn't know how else to ask everyone, without spending a lot of time writing individual messages to people. Please forgive me, if in my ignorance, I have crossed a line.

A few weeks ago, there was a lot of publicity because an organization at my school, known as the Biola Underground, created a website. This website linked to another website, known as the Gay Christian Network. On this website, there was an essay, where a young man argued for why he believed that the Bible did not condemn same sex relationships. Without going into everything that he talked about (it was quite a long essay, but if you're really interested, you can read it here) one of his arguments was that while it is generally agreed upon that biologically, our bodies are created for men to be with women, it is not unnatural for men to be with men, or women to be with women, based on the fact that it is not unnatural for the crippled to use a wheel chair, or for the deaf to use Sign Language. Basically, he was saying that when people are born differently than the general population, they are allowed to do whatever they feel they need to in order to live life to the fullest.

Ok, I agree with that. But to say that acting on it is simply accepting the way you were born means that those born with ADD should not take medication to help them to focus, or those with Diabetes should not take insulin. They were born that way and should be accepted as such. To give them medication is to try to change who they were born to be.

I guess the question that I am trying to ask is if it is not unnatural for people to be attracted to a person of the same sex, then why were our bodies created in this way? And what is your response to this essay that equates homosexuality to those born with disabilities as an argument for why it is natural?

Two-by-four

And the whacking over the head continues :p. Tonight's message was about learning to have a righteous response to criticism. And you know what the righteous response was every time? Prayer. Not anger at the person for misjudging you, not defending yourself, not even ignoring the critic. Prayer, plain and simple. Humbling yourself before God and whoever is being critical, getting on your knees, and praying. That I think is probably the hardest, and the most simple response we could be told to have. It forces us to focus on God, the one we should always be focused on anyways.

It's hard, because our pride tells us that we didn't do anything, they must have misunderstood, and so of course we should respond back. Simple because it's one thing to remember. There aren't a tons of steps, or a whole speech to memorize. Just simply talking to God in humility, and asking Him to take care of the situation, in Love.

And that is the key. In your humility, you must also show love for those who have hurt you. The scars will remain, but they do not have to continue to be open wounds. Love those who hurt you, truly love them, and their criticism, whether right or wrong, will be turned from bad, into good. That, I think, is what makes responding righteously good, and beautiful, and hard. But it's not wrong to do hard things. God calls us to that all the time. The easy way out is not an option for Christians. It never has been, and it never will be. so do the hard thing and love those who don't seem to be lovable. Love them with God's love, because  otherwise you fall. Without His help, we are nothing. With His help, we can do all things, even love those who hurt us.

On Memorial Day

It seems like it would be wrong to post about anything else today. :) I love Memorial Day. It has so many memories for me, from playing softball with my family, to going to Disneyland when I was in High school. One of the things I remember most about it was simply spending time with family. Getting together while Dad barbecued, and working on the shopping list with Mom the week before so that we have all the ice cream ready, I think, are my favorite memories. But more than that, I love that it is the day when America comes together as a family and remembers those who have given their lives for our freedom. Taking a day to spend with family is great, but taking a day to thank those who died so that we could spend time with family is even more important.

Call to Missions

Every single Christian in the world is called to one thing above all else: missions. Whether it is abroad, or in your home town, we are called to live as Christ lived. It is our job to show others the difference that comes of having Christ in control of your life. This does not mean that we are to spend all of our time handing out tracts, or being overly vocal about our relationship with Christ. The opposite is more often true. In the story in the Old Testament, God’s voice was not heard in the mighty rushing wind, or the earthquake, but in the calm and quiet that followed the storm. He was not loud, he did not seek out attention from others; He simply did His work, and allowed God to bring the people to Him.

When we are trying to reach others, it is good to keep in mind that not everyone shares in the same way. While some are called to go abroad in order to spend their lives doing nothing but showing others the love of Christ, some are called to spend their time where they grew up, working a normal job, and living a normal life, quietly showing others the love of God. Some are called to acts of service. This service could be nothing more than volunteering at your church and providing the means for the church to remain in good working order. Or it might be opening your house to people from out of town, or cooking meals for the sick. Whatever the call, it is your job to follow it.

However, given that the call to each person is different, that also means that if God is calling you to one thing, you should not make yourself do something else. It will only result in frustration. Talk to God, pray, and above all, listen. He will show you where you need to be.

Tired, but happy

On days when everything seems to go wrong (and that is pretty close to how things ran at work today), it seems to help to just thank God that you made it through. Top of my list to thank God for? the fact that it is over :).

Days like today

It's days like today that make me wonder. Was it worth it? Not having the same memories as my friends, not having the same experiences, was it worth it? Was it worth it to leave? Was it worth it to change everything, even if for something that I really wanted? I want to say yes, and most of the time I will, but on days like today when what I missed out on really hits home, it's not as easy. I want to cry, because I worked so hard, and yes I still earned the ring, and I still earned the diploma (both of which will be coming in the mail in the next few weeks) but I missed out on the opportunity to celebrate that accomplishment  with my friends. I chose to leave, and I believe that was right. But sometimes it's hard to remember that. Today is one of those times.

Call to service

A year and a half ago, I began to feel God calling me to missions. More specifically, to Bible translation. I took an introductory class to linguistics at Biola, and learned that there are a few projects available through Wycliffe in which the Bible is being translated into Sign Language for the Deaf. Something clicked in my head when I learned this. Everything that I had reservations about in regards to ASL, and interpreting immediately dissolved, because God’s call in my life to work with the Deaf finally made sense. However, since I had only 2 and half semesters left until graduation, I was unable to change my major, thus resulting in the current situation of waiting until God makes it possible for me to pursue this goal.

Now, a year and a half later, I feel like it’s something that is so far down the road the road, it may never happen. While this feeling is very real, I also know that my life is far from being near its end, and who knows what the future holds? I do know, though, that God has decided to work on me.

I moved to Texas, originally because I wanted to try something new. I was tired of living in California. I wanted an adventure. So when I got the job that enabled me to move, I took it. Now, a month later, I could not be happier that I made this decision. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that I am in a place where I am able to really listen to God. He has provided for me in such a way that I am so utterly burnt out from all of the work I am doing, and I am still paying things off. It has given me the freedom to really pursue a relationship with Him, and you know what? He’s done nothing but whack me over the head since I got here :P.

I think I am finally beginning to understand the bigger picture, as well. At least in part anyway. My job has not been easy. I am doing something that I have done for the past several years, but am being asked to do it in a way that is different, and often times frustrating. I find myself thinking quite often “What is wrong with you? If you don’t know how to run a pool, then don’t tell me how to do it!” But then I have to catch myself. It doesn’t matter what they ask me to do. Nothing has been dangerous, nothing has been outrageous. It hasn’t even been that far outside of my general job description. It doesn’t matter, because they’re my bosses, so I need to do what they ask of me.

As hard as it has been, it has been so very good for me. I think there are a lot of things God is teaching me right now, but one of them, I believe, is how to be a servant. I can’t minister to people if I think I know everything and am unwilling to listen to the suggestions of others. I can’t go through life, even, as a Christian, with that kind of thinking. Christ says that if you want to be the greatest, you must be the least. While I’m still in a leadership position, they are essentially asking me to be the least; to do the work that someone getting paid minimum wage should be doing. The brainless stuff. But that’s okay, because if I can’t learn to serve, then I shouldn’t be working towards a leadership role, and certainly not one that involves ministering to other people.

All of this also ties in with my previous post, I think, too. While I do feel at home here, and I don’t want to leave, this also feels like a vacation. Not in the sense that I am doing nothing but relaxing, but in the sense that I have removed myself from the circumstances that made hearing God difficult. Now that I am beginning to listen again, however, I need to learn to serve Him, even more than I serve man. While leaving will be hard, God has called me to serve Him, and if the best way I can do that is to leave, then I will leave. But I won’t leave behind all of the things that I am learning along the way. Instead, I will take this adventure, and use it to learn how to live in everyday life. Like in my post on Eragon, This adventure should not be used as a reason to remove myself from everything that I find to be hard in life. Instead, I want it to help me to grow, so that I can live in the fullest extent of the meaning, the life God has called me to live, whether that be in Texas, California, or anywhere He might choose to lead me.

finding home

Have you ever felt like you didn't fit in? Like everything was going well, but there was something missing? Like you weren't really a part of the group? I have felt like that for almost 4 years now. I left a great community of Christians in order to go to a Christian school, because I believed, and still do, that that was what God was calling me to do. I listened, and obeyed, and made friends, but never the kinds of friends that my siblings had made. I never felt like I had actually made the transition from my home growing up, to my new home. I didn't feel like I was at home. That, more than anything else, was what I longed for. I drove home frequently, because at least there, I felt like I could relax, I could be myself. I didn't have to try so dang hard to connect with people. The connections I had with the people at CSUN slowly diminished, and while I still enjoyed going up there to visit, I knew that the community I had left up there was not my community anymore, just like the community at Biola was not my community, nor was the community at home my community. I'm not saying that I was lonely. I had plenty of friends, and people to spend time with. I just didn't feel like I had found a place where I really fit in.

Now, 4 years later, I feel like I'm finding it again. In Burleson Texas, of all places. The community of believers here is something that I have not experienced since I was at CSUN. I don't feel like I have to be different in order to fit in, and for the first time, I'm not afraid to let people I don't know, get close to me. It's a wonderful feeling, this sense of community, and it's one that I don't necessarily want to give up at the end of the summer.

The only problem is, that I'm not sure that God wants me to stay. Both times it has happened, I have felt Him telling me that it's not permanent. I don't get to stay. I am here for growth, and healing, but once that is done, I will need to move on, to move back, probably to Southern California. If that happens, it will be one of the most difficult things I have done, since leaving CSUN for Biola. And it makes me wonder, when do I get to say that I am home?

missing pieces

I feel like God has done nothing but whack me over the head to be since I got here :P. I think that it makes sense, however, given that the things he is whacking me over the head with are things I needed to learn. I am currently on the chapter about submission in the Celebration of the Disciplines. The thing I find most interesting about it, is that it says that in order to be truly submissive, we have to match our thoughts with our actions. Sounds like a no brainer, but really, it's so easy to just do as we're told, without really stopping to be grateful that we are the ones doing do it. I have a really hard time not grumbling when I'm asked to do things that I deem are outside of my job description. But how stupid is that?! I'm getting paid to do it, so I might as well do it. Who cares if it's what I signed up for or not? I'm not entitled, and I need to stop thinking that I am.

Another thing about submission, that was mentioned in Bible study last night, is that when we truly submit, and do our work in order to please God, instead of men, we can rejoice in it! If we spend all of our time grumbling and complaining about how much we don't want to do it, instead of praising God for the opportunity to work, we're sabotaging ourselves. We are voluntarily giving up our joy to the devil. We are allowing him to make us miserable. And really, when it comes down to it, what kind of a witness is a miserable Christian? I mean really, if I spend all my time listening to you whine about how awful your life is, why in the world would I want to believe what you say you believe?

We don't have to go around being happy all the time. Happiness and joy are different. What we do need to do, is allow God's life and light shine through us so that others can see that even when we aren't happy, we are full of joy.

It is joy that seems to be the hardest to hold on to, when life gets hard, but it is God's joy that we need the most in those difficult times. Lord help me to have joy in you and everything you have done for me and continue to do in my life. Amen.

running

Went for a run tonight and felt oddly motivated to do it more often :) there's just something about the quiet of the night, and the feel of the wind on your face at the end of the day that encourages you to do it more often. I've been struggling to get myself up any before I have to (which means it hasn't happened :P) but maybe, this'll help. If the stupid insomnia will quit that is :P.

Peace

I did nothing on my day off today. That is, nothing productive. And I'm okay with that. I took a drive, and did nothing but waste gas, and you know what? I'm okay with that too (because the car still has plenty of gas in it, I have no where far to go for the rest of the week, and more money coming on Friday. The current price of gas here doesn't hurt either :P). I spent all $10 of my spending money for the week, and I spent it on Starbucks, things from the dollar tree, and desert for tonight. And I'm okay with that. I relaxed, walked around the botanical gardens in Fort Worth, took a TON of pictures, came home, and watched a movie. I did not get the room I wanted, why? Because I was tired. I assumed that the guy I was going to rent from would get my voicemail, and I would be able to turn in the money today. I was wrong, but I am okay with that. I think I am beginning to learn that most things do not carry the importance that I once thought they carried. It doesn't matter if I stay where I am for the rest of the summer (as it appears I'm going to) because I have a roof over my head, and food on the table. Am I sad that my car's bumper looks ugly? (due to an accidental run in with a huge rock :/) Sure I am. But it only affects the car cosmetically, and since it's not going anywhere any time soon, who cares if it's not as pretty as it once was? I have peace about the decisions I made. God is using this experience to grow me exponentially, in ways that I never imagined He would grow me, and as hard as it is sometimes, I am grateful that it is happening, and I am learning to appreciate the peace that comes from simply not worrying all the time. It's out of my control for the most part anyway right? ;)

Encouragement

For the past 7 months, I have been rigorously pushing myself to get my debt paid off. I have pretty well so far, I think. I got my car paid off, my furniture, one of my credit cards, and, most recently, a loan I took out from School's first. I still have a long way to go, however, as I have one more credit card (over 2,000 dollars) and upwards of 80,000 remaining in other student loans. Knowing that the likelihood of me landing a job that pays more than 30,000/year is slim, can be pretty discouraging at times, mostly because it means that I'm not likely to have the luxury of working only one job.

However, I read this article today, and I do feel kind of encouraged. Now, while the guy in the article managed to pay off 90,000 in debt in just seven months, he also had a job paying him upwards of 100,000/year, as well as a home that he owned, two cars, and a motorcycle (my point being that he had a lot more that he could sell off, and ways in which to supplement his income, besides having an annual salary that actually equaled more than the total of his debt, but that's beside the point.) He was able to go from living at 7500/month to living at 3200/month. Now, again, while I have basically cut as many expenses as I can, without cutting my transportation too much, I do have some free time, and there are free lance jobs available.

Basically what I'm saying is, I think it will help if I give myself a deadline to have my loans paid off by. Doing so will be more of a goal than simply saying I'm going to get my loans paid off as quickly as possible. It will also help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This does not mean that if I get ahead I will let myself slack off, because honestly, why in the world would I want to continue to spend 800-1200/month on loans when I don't have to? The United States Government and Sallie Mae have given me 10 years to pay off my loans. I am giving myself 3. To do so means bringing in 3,000/month. Do I have any idea how this will happen? None. But I do know that so far God has provided for me, and I believe wholeheartedly that He will continue to do so :).

Epics

In each of the modern epic stories I have read, at the end of the book, the hero decides to leave what he once knew and loved, because he has out grown it, and must find peace elsewhere. This is true in Lord of the Rings, and, more particularly, Eragon.

It is true that great adventures are meant to change a person. They grow and become someone new, someone more than who they were before. In the case of Lord of the Rings, Frodo is no longer the quiet hobbit, content to sit at home and enjoy company. In the case of Eragon, he is no longer the ignorant farm boy who consistently allows his anger to dictate what his actions are. But in both cases, I wonder why they are not able to grow into something that allows them to live their previous life, but more fully. This seems particularly evident in Eragon. In Lord of the Rings, the culture of the hobbits, and the nature of his journey, does not allow Frodo to go back to what he was before, or to live with the hobbits in a way that could be more fulfilling than it was previously. He has also experienced far too many hurts to truly move past it, and make himself capable of more, like we see in Merry and Pippin.

However, in Eragon, there is none of the burden of the Ring that assails Frodo. Eragon inherits a dragon, and with her help, defeats Galbatorix. He is not required to carry the very essence of evil with him, he is required to fight in a war. He learns many things, and becomes a more complete person; one that is more mature. However, he allows the life that he lived while his goal was to defeat Galbatorix, to become the only life that is acceptable to him. He does not cause the growth that occurred to continue to happen, but instead accepts his failures as they are. He changed from book one to book four, but seems to think that the change is complete.

It is said many times that the "true name" of a person, the one that describes completely accurately everything that a person is, can change. This is touched on in a conversation between Eragon and Arya, when she mentions that his name is different now than it must have been when he started on his journey, and even when he joined the Varden. For some reason, however, it is implied that Eragon has found his true self, and will not change any more.

He decides to leave because he feels that there is no longer a place for him in Alagaesia, aside from training new dragons in a far off land. He is not able to continue growing and changing in his current circumstances. The question, I have then is this: if Eragon grew so much, why is he not able to use his growth as a person to help him to live among those who need him? It seems as though if he had truly grown, when one job was finished, he would not need to leave, in order to find purpose in his work. This does not happen, however, and it is a flaw within his character that makes me disappointed with him.

I do not think that he should go back to being a farmer. That would be anti-climatic. However, I do think that he should be able to find a place within the existing society performing what duties he is called to as a Rider (of which none are offered). Why are there no options for him, other than to leave, or to become what he does not want? (He mentions that if he stays, his long life and his power will likely lead him down the same road that Galbatorix followed). If he had truly become more than just the ignorant farm boy, he should be able to use his adventure to live his life among his fellow people, in a more meaningful way than he had before. Instead, his journey ruined him for any life among regular people, and instead of learning to adapt and become what the people need him to become, he chooses to leave, the easiest option of all.

:)

Oh the ways God provides :) Today, I found a place to live(after looking at several, this one popped up on Craigslist, was within my price range, in a good part of town, out in the countryside without being an hour or more away, and is set up so that the room is more like a studio apartment. It has it's own entrance, it's own refrigerator, it's own microwave, toaster, and bathroom, all without having to into the main part of the house. It's about as apartment like as you can get without being an actual apartment. And it's month to month. :D), was prevented from taking a second job that I probably would have hated (because UPS doesn't transfer people unless they have proof that they need to move for school, and have permission from their manager to do so, as well as space available at the location you want to transfer to. Oh, and just working there for a few months? Not an option. If you quit within a year of working there, they refuse to re-hire you. Not something I want on my record at any company I work for) and got to go swimming, just for fun, which I haven't done in a while :) Al in all, it was a good day :)

Roller coaster

I feel like the last few weeks, I have been nothing but an emotional roller coaster. How I feel changes so much from day to day, no wonder I'm exhausted :P Hopefully that will end as times goes on. Hopefully, more days will be like today. Hopefully, I will begin to understand why, when I felt like God's answer to my question about whether or not I should out here was "it doesn't matter", it seems like it was the best, and the hardest decision I've made, and constantly leaves me guessing as to whether or not it was the right one. Hopefully, some day soon, God will stop talking in riddles; and maybe when that happens pigs will fly too ;). But until that happens, I will continue to rely on God as I ride the roller coaster of this new experience.

Criticism

I don't take criticism very well, even if it's constructive. I find that a lot of my self esteem is based on what others think of me, and so to hear a negative comment of any kind tends to make me feel like a bad person. That being said, I realize that that is a flaw in myself, and something that should be worked on. And maybe that's one of the things God is trying to teach me while I am here. I have spent the majority of my working life being told by my bosses how wonderful I am, how much they love me, etc. etc. etc. It's a real shift for me to go from that, to a consistent stream of some kind of criticism or another. This does not mean it is bad, in fact it probably means that my character just needs to realize  that I am not as amazing a worker as I thought I was, and therefore need to take some of my pride down a notch or two as well.

While all of this is good, it does not make it easy, or fun. I feel like there is a lot about myself, and my beliefs that I am only now beginning to understand. I feel like they are things that I thought I had dealt with, or that I did not realize as problems. I spent a lot of time in past bad situations, however, justifying to myself why I did nothing wrong. It was always the other person's fault. It was a miss-communication on their end, or they just decided that they didn't like me, or or or. I never once looked at the part that I played in everything. I was never the one at fault. I did nothing to aid in the miss-communication, or I kept to myself, so how could I have done anything wrong? Even as far back as high school, I refused to look at myself as anything but a victim. That is wrong. I am not a victim, and while the part I played might be smaller in some circumstances than in others, there was still a part that I played. Learning to accept this is probably the hardest thing of all.

Accepting it does not mean believing myself to be a bad person, or even the reason that situations went from good to bad. It does mean, however, that I am not perfect (what a shock! ;) ) and that I need to accept my short comings for what they are, instead of trying to brush them off as someone else's fault. Until I do this, I won't really begin to grow, as a person, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as an employee. Everything will always be someone else's fault, and that's not an acceptable way to view the world. Besides souring relationships, it prevents me from really getting to know people, and makes me bitter an angry at everyone, because hey, I didn't do anything, so everyone's just picking on me. If everyone's gonna pick on me, then why should I want to give anyone a chance right? It's not right, and it's not fair.

I know it won't be easy, but God help me, if I can learn to really go above and beyond people's expectations, not to make them happy, but because God calls us to do our best, then I think the rest of everything will fall into place :) and maybe I'll finally, actually stop basing so much of my self worth on other people's opinions :P.

Homesick

As difficult as it is for me to admit it, I am homesick. It's fun to be here, and I know I'll enjoy exploring things some, especially as my stay extends, but often, I just want to be at home again. Part of that, I'm sure is because I have a very open ended stay. I can stay past September if I want to, or I can go home. I don't know what my feelings will be come September, but I tend to think that this would be easier if I knew for sure, one way or the other, how long I am going to be here. It prevents me from feeling like I have failed, as well. If I set September as my end date, then when I pack up and leave in September, it will be because I chose to, not because I wasn't able to make it past the 5 months. That's a very helpful thing for my pride :P. I am leery of setting a return date too much past that, because I don't want to commit to staying here, then have a hard time finding work, which would be another failure. I also, however, don't want to set September as a hard and fast leaving time, because what if it gets here, and I've so connected to the people in the area that I'm ready to leave yet? It makes for a difficult situation, to be sure. I suppose I could say that I will stay through the end of December, but really, job openings seem to follow the school year, so if I quit and go home in December, I'm not going to have an easy time finding work. This makes me think that my options are really, to either leave in September, or stay until next may. I'm not sure which one to choose.

Joy

Everyone needs a day of rest. I know this, because I spent several months without really getting a full day of rest. The result was a very exhausted me. When I moved to Texas, I moved in part because I was tired of working so hard. I wanted a break, to be able to hang out with people, to have time for self-improvement, etc. And that has happened, for the most part.

But I have noticed something else as well. In removing myself so far from everyone I am close with, the ability to be alone is no longer an option, most of the time it is unavoidable. While I like spending time alone, away from people, I also like to have the option of spending time with them.

I noticed today, for the first time in a while, that I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon. I wasn't that tired, I hadn't worked that hard yesterday, but still, I slept. I've noticed that this seems to happen more when I think that whatever work it is that I am doing is of little consequence. I'll do it, but I won't do it well, and all motivation to have mastery over my sleep patterns disappears. For three months after I graduated, I managed to wake myself up around 7 am, most days of the week. Sure, I was exhausted, but I wanted to do the work that I was doing, and that gave me the ability to get myself out of bed in the morning.

This tells me two things: first that the overwhelming desire to sleep links largely with how I view the work that I am doing. Second, this tells me that I am capable of overcoming it. That, to me, is huge. I may continue to be tired, but as long as I have the desire to get up in the morning, more than the desire to continue sleeping, I will have conquered.

Because today was my day off, I did not have anything that I was required to do. For the first time since I got here, I didn't really WANT to do anything. This, too, bothered me. It reminded me too much of a few years ago when I had no drive what my work, whether it was school or my job. I ditched as often as possible. This scares me a little bit, because I do not want to fall back into that habit, and yet it takes so much ENERGY to go do anything. Part of me says it is because I have worked so hard, for so long, that now that I have a little bit of a break, I want more. But the other side of me says that's wrong. It's not because I am too tired, it is because when I do not have a clear purpose given to me, I feel like there is no specific purpose, so I do nothing.

This seems to be a flaw in myself, because if I was truly a hard worker, I would do no matter the kind of work (this was also evident in my school work, as I always did better when the subject material was to my liking.) But how do I change this? If I make myself do the work, am I not a hard worker? But doing the work is not the problem, enjoying it is. That is the challenge, then. Learning to enjoy life, when it does not seem purposeful.

Spiritual Disciplines

As I mentioned here, I have been reading Richard Foster's book Celebration of Discipline. The chapter I am on currently is talking about fasting. Foster notes that there is a lot of controversy over whether or not people should fast, and how long they should fast, and what they should fast for. There is also a chapter on meditation, which also is an issue filled with controversy for Christians. The meditation Foster speaks of is not the eastern, mystical, close your eyes and start floating kind, but simply a decision to train your thoughts to be constantly turned towards God. Other authors I have read have also mentioned the benefits of this practice, and yet it is one that, in the modern church, is not only ignored, but almost taboo. Certain forms of praying also seem to be rejected in favor of others, prayer for things like real healing, or for God to actively engage himself with our country. Prayers for lives to be changed. Sure we say that we pray daily, in our devotions, or over our food, but the majority of the time, that is where our prayer life ends.

My question is this: if the early church utilized such practices, why do we not do so any longer? Why do we reject that which those who walked and talked with Jesus saw fit to help them grow in their faith? It bothers me that the church seems to have put up a wall around itself, almost in fear of the spiritual. When people say they have heard from God, our first response is skepticism, or downright disbelief. Other times people say that they under satanic attack, but they are treated as if they were simply struggling with themselves, or a sin that was commonly in their lives.

The spiritual disciplines, to me, seem to be at the heart of opening yourself to God and His direction, and yet so few people even know what they are (I didn't, until recently). Perhaps, instead of shying away from those things which allow us to draw near to God, in every way humanly possible, they should instead be embraced and practiced regularly. Perhaps, we should stop doubting what other people say about their experiences, and try for ourselves whatever it is that has allowed them this clarity of thought.

Prayer

I have recently started reading Richard Foster's book "Celebration of Discipline," and while I agree with most of what he has said so far, the chapter on prayer bothered me. He spoke specifically about intercessory prayer, and how powerful it is, but started with the idea that we must learn how to do it correctly in order for it to work. He used the disciples request for Jesus to teach them to pray as an example. His reasoning was that they were religious Jews, who had grown up with prayer as an integral part of their lives, and yet they must not have been doing it correctly because they needed Jesus to teach them how to pray.

So far, that makes sense, but a few pages later on, he says that prayer is only powerful when it is done correctly, with a knowledge of what God's will is. This means that if we are not in tune with God and his will, then the things we pray for will not be responded to in the way that we want. He used the generic example of great aunt Lucy's arthritis that you've been praying for for 20 years, and it still hasn't been healed as an example. Now, I get that if it is not God's will for her to be healed, then she won't be healed, but he does say that when we pray for healing, and trust that it is God's will for that person to be healed, then they will be (he used another example of a child named Julie that was really sick, and he simply trusted that it was God's will for her to be healed, laid hands on her, prayed for God to make her well, and the next morning she was.)

Now, the problem I have with it is this: while I agree that prayer is powerful, and God does change his mind when we pray according to his will, to say that someone will be healed, or not healed depending on how correctly you pray bothers me. It's different than saying you didn't have enough faith, and granted, the chapter was kind of confusing, but to say that it is always God's will for that person to be healed, or you can change God's mind so long as you ask him in the correct manner, seems off to me. It puts way too much of the responsibility on us.

Should we learn to pray the way Jesus did, with power and authority? Absolutely. Is prayer powerful? Without a doubt. But God still has the ability to say no to our petition, and Richard Forster's take it seems to take that option out of the equation.

Pulling teeth

I have always viewed writing as something that is boring, something that had to be done in order to make it through school. I could do it, but I never got good grades on my papers unless I first sent them to a few of my friends to edit. Once they had been edited, I usually got A's and B's. I had always viewed this as a writing problem, because it did not come naturally to me. It was something I had to work at, and therefore must be something that I was not very good at.

Then I did my my first Paper Project for Torrey. My mentor wanted me to do one about writing because I struggled with it so much. This goal of this particular project was to help me to appreciate it more, because the assumption was that I wasn't very good at it because I didn't like it. I'm still not sure how successful the project was, but it did help to, at least, dislike writing a little less.

When I did my next paper project, turning the book Jane Eyre into a series of radio drama type dialogues, the most common question I got was "How long did you spend writing this?" My initial writing of each dialogue took about 2 hours, and they were all roughly 5,000 words. Their reaction? "Don't tell your mentor that's all the time you spent on this, but it's really good." Then I wrote a creative paper for the Meta-torrey I took last fall. I never actually got the grade back on that one, but when given to friends, the general consensus was that it was well written, and I got an A in the class. It took me a total of 3 hours to write it, and I had to struggle to limit myself to the 4500 word limit.

So, it seems from experience, that I may not actually be a bad writer, as I previously thought, but there does seem to be a part of me that refuses to do something REALLY WELL if I don't have a vested interest in it.

This was made particularly apparent during the fiction semester of Torrey. All previous semesters, I had done fairly well, but it was really hard for me to connect to the books we were reading. They presented great ideas, and I had thoughts about those ideas, but to put it bluntly, they were boring to me. I did the work because I had to, and learned from it, but not the way I could have if I had been able to truly invest myself in it. When we read the books during the fiction semester, I was not only interested, I LOVED it. The stories, the characters, all of it made sense, and I felt like I was finally connecting on more than just an intellectual level with the reading.

While obviously something that could, and probably should, be worked on, knowing this about myself allows me to acknowledge that I'm not actually a bad writer, or a bad student, I just have to find what truly interests me, and go from there.

All of that being said, I think ignoring jobs that require an above average ability to write is limiting myself to this idea that "I can't." I can, and it's time I proved it to myself, if to no-one else.

Passion

Over the last few years, I have become increasingly aware of the fact that those who become Christians late in life, those who are not raised in Christian homes, seem to have a passion that is lacking in those who are raised in the Christian culture. I don't mean that those born into a Christian family don't love God to the same degree, or even that they are lacking in the spiritual walk, but there is not as much urgency, there does not seem to be as much of a desire to reach out to others, or even to lead others in their walk. They are not as excited about Christianity.

While this may not be a major problem, the tendency of complacency of these Christians, the tendency to take for granted their faith, and all of things that God has given them, seems to lead to the occurrence of those young people that leave the church when they become adults. When something is as much a part of your life as Christianity is when you are raised with it, you tend to forget that it is not something that all people are able to experience, and even fail to note the necessity of it in your life.

You also lack the memories, or even the knowledge, of what life is like without Christ. A friend of mine recently shared her testimony, and the difference between her life now, and what it was before she became a Christian is vastly different. It also explains her passion for God, and desire to help others grow in him.

What really makes me think, though, is the fact that this complacency often pervades our Christian walk. It prevents us from desiring to grow in God, because we don't really know what it is like to be without Him, so why should we put in the effort to know Him more? There is no real basis of comparison, so even having an understanding of what growth looks like is difficult. There is an inability to see a difference because, really, there was no difference in how we lived before we became Christians, to how we lived after we became Christians.

This lack of difference seems to not only make growth hard, but, in some cases, leads to a lack of understanding of what growth looks like. I am not saying that children should not be raised with Christian principles; that would obviously be wrong; what I am saying is that there should be more done to show existing Christians what a walk with Christ actually looks like, instead of focusing only on outreach. How can we reach others, if we ourselves do not truly understand what a life with Christ looks like?

Blessings

it doesn't seem to matter where I am, or what I am doing, God has done nothing but bless me. Thank you Lord for everything you have done for me, and continue to do for me, and help me to continue to see them for what they are.

self-education

It turns out, there's a lot I don't know about running a pool effectively. Go figure right? :p Lately, since work doing the week is very slow, I have been focusing on my self-education. Thanks to one particular blog, I have found a lot of encouraging information as to what makes a good supervisor. A lot of it just boils down to good organization, and, you guessed it, SUPERVISION! ;) There was also a reference to this site which is an organization that has TONS of free reading material all about aquatics operations, followed by a quiz at the end, to make sure I understood all of the material. If nothing else, it's a great place to start :). (at least for as long as I lack the CPO certification)

sometimes...

sometimes, you just need a day of rest after a few hard days in order to pull it together, and give it your best shot on another day. God sure knew what He was doing when He told us to rest :P. (yay for productivity too! I got the dishes done, and housing searched for, and the place I'm staying currently all straightened up. :D All of which still left me time to sleep in, and chill this evening.)

Oh yeah, and spending the evening watching Avengers doesn't hurt either :P

determined

I am determined. One way or another, I'm gonna see it through.

I will trust God

I will find housing.

I will educate myself more about pool procedures

I will build friendships with people

I will explore

I will HAVE FUN

I will enjoy this time.

because if I don't, then it's all for nothing.

the little things

Because, after today, I need to focus on the good things about being here, rather than the bad, here's a list of all of the things I like so far.

It's still light at 8 pm

Gorgeous thunderstorms

people I don't know referring to me as "ma'am"

making new friends

Watching the Goonies with said new friends

Pigeon peas

sleeping in until 8:45 (or 9:30 on weekends)

lots of open countryside

horses and cows not 5 min from where I live

life guards who are willing to help me out, just because I need the help

people I don't know offering advice on where to live (and where not to live)

Texas accents

Cattle drives

Cowboy hats

The water gardens

challenging

My day was...long...to say the least. It's definitely a growth experience. Between running the life guards, making the schedule, keeping the pool clean, and trying to keep patrons happy, I feel a little bit like a chicken with my head cut off. Oh, and of course, having the time to walk around and make changes to the way that things are being run. It's hard, because I don't have a lot of authority, I'm more of a glorified pool manager who makes the schedule, but I'm supposed to act like I have authority. Really what it's gonna come down to is accepting what I'm being told, accepting that I have a ton of things to take care of and, at this point, only 40 hours to do it in, and then doing my best to make everyone above me happy. Lord give me strength, because I think "challenging" might not quite cover it :P.

New friends, new place, new job, I'm loving it!

Tonight was the movie night with my new friend Mindy, and some of her friends. The others hadn't shown up yet when I got there, so she and I sat and talked for a while. She introduced me to her dog Rico...the most adorable, gangly, HUGE puppy I've ever seen (except for maybe the great dane puppy I met in Mexico in 9th grade). Anyway, he's pretty awesome. :D He's a white golden retriever, which was also a new thing for me, because I'd never seen one of those before. :D

We got to watch the Goonies, which in and of itself is epic, so you add awesome people to an epic movie, and you've got an epically awesome night :P. It was such a good experience, and I'm really looking forward to Bible study with them on Tuesday :).

Work today was also better than it has been the last few weeks. Because we open tomorrow afternoon, tonight was sort of an orientation for the guards. I gave them a tour, showed two of them how test the water, had them fill out all of their paperwork, etc. It took a lot longer than I thought it would because I was still trying to work out all of the kinks myself for how the rotation was going to go, and things like that. Hopefully tomorrow night runs smoothly enough. All in all, it was a very good day. And with that I'm going to say, good night :D.

God's little surprises

I was supposed to post this yesterday, but with the arrival of my new roommate, it kind of went out of my head :P.

Last night, after I got off work, I got myself ready and went to church. I went there on Sunday morning, and liked it well enough. It wasn't mind blowing, but it was comfortable, as it was a typical contemporary Southern Baptist service. I saw in the bulletin that they had a women's Bible study on Wednesdays at 6, so I decided to go. I almost didn't, because I was tired, and making myself go into new situations like that takes a fair amount of energy, not to mention guts :P. The study was on Nehemiah, with sort of a Beth Moore format (you know, watch a video, do the homework in the book that has been provided, discuss). I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it, but then we broke up into small groups, and a girl (Mindy) I had been talking to before the study started offered for me to go into her group with her, so I did.

The discussion was good, but what really got to me was how friendly they were. They were amazed that I had moved all by myself from California to Texas. The thing that amazed me the most, however, was how quickly God allowed me to connect with Mindy. She's my age, likes to rock climb, and was a rappelling instructor for 5th graders in Colorado for a while. She also invited me to her movie night tonight.

I started out, terrified, and almost on the verge of an anxiety attack, and God turned it into a wonderful experience that allowed me to make a new friend, and even enabled me to be in a position to meet more potential friends tonight. He really is a good God. :)

On Dating and Courtship

I recently read an article (which you can find here addressing the issue of dating versus courtship. In brief, the article stated that the idea of courtship was a harmful one, especially in today's american culture, and that, furthermore, it would not prevent you from being divorced, or stuck in a lousy marriage.

While I agree that often times the idea of courtship is taken too far (i.e. girls not being allowed to talk to boys or God forbid be friends with them) I also think that there is a good solid base behind it. Having now been in two relationships, I can definitely say that the first one has changed the way I have acted in the second one, and most of the time, not in a good way. This is not necessarily because of any problems that occurred in the first one, but because I have been hurt (which is the natural result of a relationship ending. It's pretty much unavoidable 9 times out of 10). The result of this hurt is that I don't want to be hurt again, and therefore react in such a way so as to protect myself. I can only imagine how those who have been in multiple relationships react, especially given that no two guys are the same, and therefore the protective reaction will be added to a different part of you each time. This is not to say that people who date are making a mistake. It can be a very good learning experience, but For those who choose courtship, I don't think there will be any more damage done, quite possibly less.

The author's argument seems to be that people who follow the courtship model for relationships must shut down a natural part of themselves in order to achieve the goal of courtship. In doing so, they inhibit this part that develops a natural healthy relationship. Her argument is that courtship teaches people to fear love, for fear of being hurt, and in the process does more damage than a broken relationship does. I disagree, wholeheartedly. There are different extents to which the platform of courtship can be taken, and to say that all of it harms the people who participate, is wrong.

Before there was dating, there was courtship, and before courtship, there was arranged marriages. Each has it's pro's and con's, but to say that the scars caused by one relationship after another are better than learning how to wake up that part of you that has been put to sleep until now, doesn't make any sense to me. From personal experience, I think, the less you date, the better.