Love patterns

I learned something. And where did I learn it from? That's right...a book. :) The latest is a book titled "How We Love" by Kay and Milan Yerkovich. The book's premise is that everyone is raised according to one of four imprints. These imprints are what cause us to react in certain ways when we come in contact with others. Basically, it says that we will express our love based on the way that we were raised, and our personalities. Some of you might be saying "well, duh, how else are we going to express love, if it's not based on our personalities and the way in which we were raised?" And I agree, but often times we don't realize how it all connects. This book helps to shed a little bit of light on that aspect of things.

So you're probably wondering just what it was that I learned. Well, apparently, I'm a people pleaser. Not in the sense that I can't say no (although that is something that I have a hard time with) and not in the sense that I can't be my own person, or am afraid to take risks (my current decisions kind of prove otherwise as far as that goes.) What it does mean is that my ideas of "once a friend, always a friend" and the fact that I go into pursuit mode when people, who were once close, try to pull away, are based on my own insecurities. The fact that I see this pursuit of someone as a mark of a loyal friend, is just further proof that I don't completely understand my actions myself.

Reading this book showed me a lot about myself that I had not previously thought about. It basically explains everything that I had not understood before. It explains why I fight so hard to hold on to people, even when they are hurting me. It explains why I clean more when I'm worried about my living situation. And it's not a recent development.

I can remember, as a child, making "surprises" for my mom when she was really stressed out to help her feel better. These "surprises" usually consisted of cleaning in some form or other, but generally the kitchen floor. When my friends were in trouble of some kind or other, my first reaction was to do what I could to fix things and make them feel better. I was the "good girl" because I knew that made the adults in my life pleased with me. In high school, when it became clear that the other kids in my class had no interest in changing their opinion of me, no matter what I did or said, I got tired of trying. I gave in to my introvert and picked up a book. But the resentment that I have since struggled with is apparently common to pleasers who get tired of trying to please. That's also when the anxiety attacks started, although I didn't realize that's what they were at the time.

When I started dating my first boyfriend, I pursued him for 6 months, regardless of the fact that he was sending clear signals that a relationship was not something that he could handle right then. I hung on for 9 more months after that, even though I should not have. Shortly after my anxiety got worse, and I think it's because I knew he was hurting, and I couldn't make it better. I had always made my own anxiety go away by making others feel better. When that wasn't an option, I didn't have any idea how to deal with it.

My grades throughout school were also more focused on making my teachers happy than on a real desire to do well. I always said that my grades were what gave me my self esteem. Good grades meant I was successful, and poor grades meant I wasn't. Looking at it now though, I think it really had more to do with the fact that good grades meant the adults were happy. And since the adults were easier to please than the kids my age, that's what I focused on. I did learn some things that made those my age happy, like the kids my freshman year telling me that crying was immature. To learn not to cry made them happy, so I did. I assumed most people felt that way, so in order to reduce my anxiety, I learned how to only be sad when I was alone. There are tons of other examples I could give you, but it's basically the same story. I become anxious when others aren't happy, so I start doing things that I think will make them happy. Kind of gives me a new perspective on pleasers. I always thought of them as those that didn't know enough about themselves to be their own person, so they had to be what everyone else wanted them to be. Turns out, it's just their (my) way of handling anxiety.

This was probably a lot more of my personal history than you were looking for, but it makes sense. I don't have a whole lot of ideas on how to make it better, simply because most of the "growth goals" in the book focus on things I don't have a whole lot of trouble with, like saying no, or doing something a little risky. But I do know a little bit more about myself now, and at least its a place to start.

Count your blessings

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Or so the old saying goes. But how often does that actually happen? Instead, we want to spend our time either complaining about our circumstances, or vigorously planning the best way to change the situation. But how about this, instead of running away or giving up, why don't we face it head on? I know that is something that I struggle with a lot. I don't like for life to be difficult. I'm also a planner. When you put the two together, you get my brain coming up with ways to change whatever it is I don't like about my life. And usually that involves something that ends up making my life harder. I don't mean that I shouldn't be responsible, shouldn't work hard, shouldn't do the best I can to work through any given situation. What I am saying is that instead of worrying about it, accept it for what it is. Learn to wait, and learn to see God. I don't very often stop and pay attention to the way God has provided for me because I am so busy trying to rush on to the next thing. "Sometimes, you have to stop and smell the roses." I think that's more true than a lot of people know, but its a truth that is hard to accept. Thank you God for your provision in my life and the way that you make yourself known to me. Your blessings are new every morning.

What a whirlwind

Last weekend, I went to CA for my brother's wedding. It was absolutely beautiful. I got to see old friends, dance with my nephews, and of course, celebrate the union of Phillip and Alysha. I almost cried a couple of times. Being back in California was fun, and it was good to have a few days of vacation time. But it was also interesting. It didn't feel like home. It felt like a vacation. At the end, I looked forward to flying back to Texas, instead of doing it because that's where my job is right now. This is an interesting shift, because every other time I have lived away from my parents, I have always had far more of a pull towards them, and a frustration that I couldn't just go home and rest. Now, it feels like this is where I rest. It was a great weekend, but it sure was exhausting. When you have two flights, a wedding, and hang out time all squished into 4 days, it makes sense that you would leave more tired than when you arrived :P. But something else happened too. A few weeks ago, I ordered a book called "Wide My World, Narrow My Bed" by Luci Swindoll. It had been recommended to me by a friend of mine, and I had been wondering when it would arrive. Well, apparently, I accidentally shipped it to CA, instead of to Texas. But that's okay. I read it exactly when I needed to.

You see, during this weekend, I also a very difficult conversation with someone, where I essentially said good bye. I'm pretty sure that was the hardest conversation I've ever had. In part because it's hard to let go of someone, and in  part because there was familiarity and comfort in that relationship that I can't have anymore. The premise of this book, though, is to show people that you can live a happy single life. It shows you the fallacy in the belief that you won't be lonely if you just get married. It shows just how fulfilled you can be as a single person. I think what I liked best about the book was that it reiterated over and over that it doesn't matter if you are single or married. People who wait for life to happen to them are the people who have no life. If you aren't active in pursuing life, it won't come to you.

I think it helped me mostly because I grew up with this belief that once I got married I would have my best friend with me all the time, and I wouldn't be bored, or lazy anymore. For some reason, I felt like getting married would be magic fix to me sleeping so much. And I realized that's not true. I also realized why I fight it so much. Sleeping late is boring. It's relaxing, but I don't have a boring personality. I want to wake up and take the day by storm. It's time. Saying good bye to everyone was hard, but it gave me the final push I needed to stop being torn between two places. I have made my choice, and it's time to live my life, instead of looking over my shoulder and wondering what could have been. It's time to take my life by storm.

Prayer, the Holy Spirit, and the Laying on of hands

Last night, I heard a very interesting, very compelling message concerning the laying on of hands, and the receiving of the Holy Spirit. The pastor is doing a sermon series on the foundations of our faith. The list of these foundations that he is working from is the one located in Hebrews 6 where it says "Therefore leaving the elementary teaching about the Christ, let us press on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, 2 of instruction about washings and laying on of hands, and the resurrection of the dead and eternal judgment." This basically means that the author has already laid the foundation for our faith in these things: repentance, instructions about baptisms and the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement. So if this a list of the foundations of our faith, why is it that so many people are against the laying on of hands? The way the pastor put it, there are generally two camps; those who get spooky about and try to push people over by pushing on their forehead, and those who don't believe in it at all. Now, I know that it is not uncommon for believers to lay their hands on others while they are praying, but he was specifically talking about receiving the Holy Spirit through the laying on of hands, and the work that the Holy Spirit does. In the verses that he gave us as back-up for this, the disciples and those they lead to Christ do not receive the Holy Spirit until other believers lay their hands on them.

So here's where I'm confused. Why is this practice today shunned by all but the Charismatics? And why are the charismatics looked upon as the "off the wall" believers who take things too literally? We are told to pray. We are told that prayer works, that God can and does change His mind when His children petition Him for something. And yet, the way that I was raised was that while prayer works, and God always answers, He does not always answer in the way that we want Him to answer. I was taught that God gives us three answers: Yes, No, or Wait. If God loves me and cares for me so much, why did virtually every prayer I ever prayed feel like God was telling me no (or what I took to be a no, since most of the time, the immediate result was silence, and the long term result was something that I did not want)? If the Bible tells us to do it, and we believe that the Bible should be taken literally, then why do we act as though we have to do it, without really believing that it works? Why do we not take prayer more seriously?

My other question is this. My experience was that God's most common response to prayer is no. However, I have a very good friend who goes to a church with a much different experience in the results of prayer. I went to a luncheon with her and her mom once, where the other ladies in the church told story after story of how God had answered their prayers. Why then, did God constantly tell me no, but seemingly always tell them yes?

The only thing I can think of is that the manner in which I was taught about prayer was a cautious manner. I remember having a discussion with someone about a similar topic, and that person said that while the results of the strong prayer aspect of the charismatic doctrine is good, they often put an emphasis on your inabilities, your lack of faith, when God does not respond the way you want Him to. That leads to a feeling of inadequacy on your part, when really, God might just be saying no. On the other hand, however, I feel like this cautious manner is wrong. Is it not better to petition God about it, with the faith that He will do as He has said He would do, than to not do it at all? Not doing it at all, or doing it out of Christian obligation, seems like saying that we don't believe it will work. If we don't believe God will do as He has said He will do, then what is the point in our beliefs? If God is limited to what we THINK He can do, He really isn't worth our worship. But He is. We just need to start acting like it more often, and stop shying away from things that we don't understand.

How?

I have made some decisions in my life that I regret. We all do. Now I am doing my best to correct that decision by working hard and paying off my debt. But here's what's frustrating. While my job pays for everything I need it to, and for that I am grateful, it does not pay for much more than that. So what do I do? I look for a second job. And it looks like I might have one in a month or so (apparently it takes a while to become a substitute for the school district). However, I know from personal experience that once I start working more, I'm not going to have the desire to much more than sleep on my days off. By the time evening arrives I'll be ready for those activities, but forget about any kind of serving during the day. It's not going to happen. So how do I join my strong desire to get involved with a deaf ministry somewhere with my need to work? And if I don't work, well, then the money that is necessary to drive to the locations I am aware of that serve the deaf (most are closer to Dallas than Fort Worth) is not there. So how? I feel like God has been telling me to get involved, but so far I don't see how to make it work. Perhaps it is a faith issue on my end, and I mean, honestly, if God is really telling me to get involved, then He will provide the money for me to do so. But, my hesitation comes from not being certain that He is telling to do it right now. It's not like I'm not serving. I'm involved in Awana, so I am doing something that I feel strongly about, I just have such a desire to work with the deaf right now that I want to pursue it. And yet I don't know how.