it's late...

and I need to go to bed, but right no, I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed. I just got four e-mails from my Torrey Mentor outlining some of what this semester is going to be like, and I am VERY GLAD I don't have more than Torrey and gymnastics to take at Biola. Today was a fun day, I got to see my friend Kate, from Northridge, at her Bridal shower. I miss her to death most of the time, and each chance I get to see her is a special treat. :) However, on the drive home, I realized just how much I am not a part of her life any more, and although it was only for one year, I was very much a part of her life while I was there. I have also been feeling overwhelmed for a while, but most of break I just took it easy. well, as of tomorrow, break is officially over, I go back to school, and I can't escape the stress anymore by simply putting it off. There have been several times over the break when I thought about my Don Rags appointment, when I was told, "you did fairly well, considering the course load you had. Next semester however, you're going to have a lighter load, so while it will be easier to manage all of the assignments, there is going to be more required of you." To everyone else, I nodded yes and asserted that I could do it. To my self? I feel like pulling my hair and screaming "I CAN'T DO ANY BETTER!" It's a very scary thought knowing that I will have more asked of me, and feeling completely deficient in every way, and not knowing if even if I try harder, if I can do better. I can spend more time on notes, true, but can I give them what they are looking for? It doesn't seem like it. It's at times like now with all of the stress trying to get the right classes at the right times through Mt. SAC and stressing over the work I have to do for Torrey that I have this little voice in the back of my mind saying " See? you shold have just stayed at CSUN. It was a cheap school, so you'd have few, if any loans, you had a great job, and really close friends. Now everything is that much harder to achieve what you want. You can still go back..." but I don't want to go back. That would be truly running away, and I'm tired of running away. It's just so hard not to...

ugh

my wisdom teeth are now out...let the torture begin, but at least it's the last mouth surgery i should need for a VERY LONG time.