I realized...

That I'm being ridiculous and pathetic. I have spent a lot of time this semester complaining about how hard everything is and focusing only on the negative, thinking about the good things at CSUN, and at home, how easy life was/could be if I wasn't at Biola. That's dumb, and I need to stop. I left CSUN because I believed, and still believe, that God wants me at Biola. If that is the case, then I need to focus on Him, rather than on everything that's not going the way I want it to. I'm not giving up, and that's a good thing, but couldn't I get a lot more out of the experience if I stopped dragging my feet about it and being miserable through it all? So I miss the fellowship at CSUN, who else's fault is it but my own that I haven't gotten involved in a church out here so that I could have that fellowship I miss so much? I tried to find a church at the beginning of last year, but then pretty much gave up and just decided that there's not a church like COC, so why bother? It's stupid and juvenile, and it needs to stop. Please forgive me for all of the complaining I've done on here(I think my last three or four posts have all been me whining :P) I'll try to be more positive in the future. :D

What I miss...

In one of my meetings with Dr. Vincent (my mentor) I was again expressing my frustration with how difficult everything is for me, and how life would just be easier if I went home. Her response? Why home? What is it about home, and CSUN, and everywhere but here that makes me want to go there, rather than stay here and tough it out. I didn't think about it too much after that, but I think after my recent trip to CSUN's InterVarsity meeting I may have figured it out. There are a couple of reasons, I think that I miss CSUN, and since I don't see that as much of an option, I go for what is second best, home.

First of all, I realized that while I was at CSUN I had something to do at least a couple nights a week. I had the option of going to their Monday night fellowship(more like a youth group setting) and I always went to Bible study on Tuesdays. The people I got to know over the course of that year are amazing people, and I always had a blast spending time with them. On top of that, there was the occasional special event at Eddy's house where we all got together and played games, and had food, and just hung out. I loved it, all of it.

However, while being involved in IV allowed me to have something of a social life, that wasn't the best part. The best part was the fellowship with other believers, people who truly, deeply cared about heir relationship with God, and who enjoyed spending time getting to know Him more, and interacting with other believers. It is the fellowship that I miss most about CSUN. The fellowship, and people's attitudes about being Christians.

I think when I came to Biola, I expected to experience a similar atmosphere as that which I experienced in IV. The sad thing is, I haven't. At least not to the same extent. So far the people I spend time with have either been "elitist", or at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, that is, the kinds of people that couldn't care less about the rules.

I guess my point is that I'm disappointed. I love my "elitist" friends to death, and dont really spend much time with the other kinds of people, but I'm tired of feeling like there are no middle of the road Christians to spend time with, and I miss the feeling of connection I had with those at CSUN.

The reasoning behind my desire to go home is because I don't really see CSUN as an option. It's a close second to the fellowship I had and it gives me the option pursuing my ASL. I don't see CSUN as an option because I disliked the school so much. I'm not sure I would like going to a community college much better, but I still see it as a possible option because my mindset will have changed. Instead of going to school to get an education, I would be going to school so I can get a job. I suppose I could go back to CSUN with that mindset, but getting a four year degree seems to imply the wish for more of an education, rather than simply to get a job when I graduate. I guess it's the difference between trade school and otherwise. CC feels more like trade school to me, and the only reason I'm at Biola is to get a good education.

Because I have such a desire for a good education rather than simply so I can get a job, I guess I sort of feel trapped. I know I can't get an education like this anywhere else, so I deal with it, but that kind of explains, I think, why I've had such a hard time this semester, and it tells me what I need to fix. If it's fellowship I'm missing, then it's fellowship I need to work on.

Not your usual question raised by reading Calvin

We are currently reading Institutes of the Christian Religion by John Calvin. We had one session on it today, and another on it tomorrow(in fact we have three more sessions total), so I was working on my notes for it this evening, and the section due tomorrow mostly deals with sin, that is, what it is, how it relates to us and our relationship with God, and so forth. As I was thinking about this, and interesting thought came to mind. I realized, and wrote in my notes, that because of sin we have an understanding of what sin is, what consequences our actions have etc. and this understanding is necessary because otherwise there would be a lot of people doing really bad things and thinking nothing of it, you'd have your criminally insane, essentially.

Now the question that came up at the end of the page, and thus why I'm writing about it here instead of in my notes is, because of this understanding that sin gives to us, do we also then have a better understanding of God's love for us? Could we understand how much He loves us if He hadn't sent His son to die for us? It seems counter intuitive, that God would allow us to sin simply so we would be condemned and need a savior to feel His love most fully, but at the same time, it is kind of hard to wrap my mind around God's love without Christ's death on the cross.

If such is the case, that is sin causing us to most fully feel God's love for us, then that means that the fall of Adam and Eve had good results, and not just bad ones. I am okay with that conclusion, but again, that means that sin is technically a good thing, and that I'm not okay with. Interesting dilemma...and I doubt it will actually get addressed in session. Oh well. :P