Joy

Everyone needs a day of rest. I know this, because I spent several months without really getting a full day of rest. The result was a very exhausted me. When I moved to Texas, I moved in part because I was tired of working so hard. I wanted a break, to be able to hang out with people, to have time for self-improvement, etc. And that has happened, for the most part.

But I have noticed something else as well. In removing myself so far from everyone I am close with, the ability to be alone is no longer an option, most of the time it is unavoidable. While I like spending time alone, away from people, I also like to have the option of spending time with them.

I noticed today, for the first time in a while, that I slept until 1:00 in the afternoon. I wasn't that tired, I hadn't worked that hard yesterday, but still, I slept. I've noticed that this seems to happen more when I think that whatever work it is that I am doing is of little consequence. I'll do it, but I won't do it well, and all motivation to have mastery over my sleep patterns disappears. For three months after I graduated, I managed to wake myself up around 7 am, most days of the week. Sure, I was exhausted, but I wanted to do the work that I was doing, and that gave me the ability to get myself out of bed in the morning.

This tells me two things: first that the overwhelming desire to sleep links largely with how I view the work that I am doing. Second, this tells me that I am capable of overcoming it. That, to me, is huge. I may continue to be tired, but as long as I have the desire to get up in the morning, more than the desire to continue sleeping, I will have conquered.

Because today was my day off, I did not have anything that I was required to do. For the first time since I got here, I didn't really WANT to do anything. This, too, bothered me. It reminded me too much of a few years ago when I had no drive what my work, whether it was school or my job. I ditched as often as possible. This scares me a little bit, because I do not want to fall back into that habit, and yet it takes so much ENERGY to go do anything. Part of me says it is because I have worked so hard, for so long, that now that I have a little bit of a break, I want more. But the other side of me says that's wrong. It's not because I am too tired, it is because when I do not have a clear purpose given to me, I feel like there is no specific purpose, so I do nothing.

This seems to be a flaw in myself, because if I was truly a hard worker, I would do no matter the kind of work (this was also evident in my school work, as I always did better when the subject material was to my liking.) But how do I change this? If I make myself do the work, am I not a hard worker? But doing the work is not the problem, enjoying it is. That is the challenge, then. Learning to enjoy life, when it does not seem purposeful.