Amazing

Today, I got to visit GIAL. Today, I got to talk to a Wycliffe recruiter. Today, I experienced at least a little of what it would be like to be actively pursuing my calling to be a translator. Today, I had to remind myself to wait. I want it. I want it bad. But God said wait. I am glad I went. I made contacts with people at the school, and gained a lot of information. I was given ideas for what I could do while I am waiting. It was amazing. It was wonderful. it was SO tempting. I know that God has translation in my future. I also know that I need to take the time while I am waiting to grow, to branch out, to continue to make connections, and to learn to serve Him HERE first. Lord give me the strength to not jump ahead of your plan for my life, because waiting is SO hard.

"Abba" means "Daddy"

As children in Sunday School, we are taught that Jesus loves us. That He came and died on the cross to save us from our sins so that we can spend eternity in Heaven with Him. We are taught that when Adam and Eve sinned, they caused a rift, or chasm, to be created, permanently separating us from God. Then we are told that it is because God is holy that this rift is necessary. He can't associate with sin. The solution was sending Jesus to die on the cross. John 3:16, probably the most well known verse in the Bible says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, should not perish, but have everlasting life." All of that is true. But in the course of teaching us about how Jesus is God's son, and that He came to die for us, a point seems to often get lost. It was GOD'S love that enabled Jesus to come down and give His life. I grew up feeling like Jesus was my friend, but God was the Holy being in the sky that could only love me because Jesus had been willing to give His life. The result was that I didn't really feel like God loved me much at all, except because He had to. I mean, what kind of a Father would he be if He didn't love those that He made? What kind of a Father would he be if He let Jesus die, and the relationship didn't change? It's only been recently that my thinking has started to shift.

God doesn't HAVE to love us, He CHOOSES to love us. He didn't LET Jesus die, He SENT Him to die. For me. One of God's names is Abba. You find most often connected to the word Father, so the name becomes Abba Father. This is slightly misleading in today's culture. See, for modern Americans, "Father" is the stiff, formal way of addressing the male being being who helped create you. There's not a lot of love associated with the word "Father." For some people, to grow up referring to their Dad as "Sir" might make a better connection. In that title, there is respect, but little else. It detaches the person from their role as a loving caregiver. Today, people refer to those who were really a parent to them as Dad, or sometimes "Daddy." That's really what Abba means. It is the most loving way to refer to God. It signifies His role as a real, loving parent, not just some being who created you and now kind of loves you because He has to. It denotes respect, and acknowledgement of God's position in our lives (I would never refer to my Dad as "Daddy" and then be disrespectful to him), but it shows the true care that God has for us.

 For me, for some reason, I never saw God the way I saw my Dad. God was distant. God didn't really seem to care too much about what happened to me. It didn't matter how much people could tell me that God cared for me, if I didn't experience it, then it couldn't be true right? I knew He existed, and there was a vast amount of respect for Him, but not a whole lot of LOVE. Changing this view of God, from one of "I made you, I invested time and energy in you, so I will take care of you," to one of "I love you, I want what's best for you, and I will do whatever I need to in order to make that happen," is good for me. It is showing me a God that I really want to KNOW, rather than one I just follow out of fear and respect.

Step One...

deal with the sin in your life. You would think that would be a no-brainer. In order to follow God, of course you have to deal with the sin. To not do so is like trying to make it through the crowded airport with a backpack, a large suitcase, and a sports bag. Have you ever tried it? I have, twice. It's not fun. By the end, you wind up nearly missing your flight because you couldn't walk fast enough...but I digress. The point is, whether you realize it or not, there are parts of your life that need to be given over to God. Whether that be a bad habit that you can't seem to shake, pride, or memories of pain experienced long ago, if you don't give them to God, you will always be hindered in your capacity to follow. How in the world do you expect to learn to be who you were made to be, if you have to struggle with the simple task of walking? To continue with the luggage analogy, giving up your sin to God is like handing those heavy bags over to someone else. You now have the ability to not only walk, upright, but now you can help others that are struggling. You are freeing yourself to be used as God would use you. The hardest part is probably learning how to let go. For me, it's not the what. That was made plain to me long ago. It's the how. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man. But God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able. But with the temptation, will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." Sounds good right? Now all you gotta do is recognize the way of escape that He has provided for you. It's there, and He will show it to you, you just gotta ask.

Call to service

God has given me very specific gifts, talents, and desires. So far, I have pushed them aside, told God "I'll do it later," and focused on how to pay all of my bills. See the problem with this picture? Instead of saying yes to God, and really pursuing what He has told me to pursue, and relied on Him to provide for me, I have trusted in myself instead. "I don't have the time" or "I don't have the money." Since when does God need me to spend all of my time working in order to provide for me? Thankfully He didn't force me to live on less than what I thought I could live on, instead, He has provided me with the perfect job that has the perfect schedule. Now, it's time for me to stop making excuses (but I need more money so I can pay off my debt faster. Wouldn't that be honoring to God? Sure, if he had called me to a future that revolved around finances). It's time for me to make use of the free time He has given me, and pursue at least an aspect of His calling on my life. Right now, that doesn't seem to involve school. Right now, it all seems to tie in with the theme of building relationships. Instead of focusing on myself, it's time to start serving others. And when it doesn't seem to be going my way, then it's time to learn to pray about it, instead of running to myself and my ability to make money as a means of reassurance.

Prayer

I feel like there has been a lot of things I need to pray about lately. Sometimes it's so overwhelming, I can't think of any one specific thing to pray for. The words just won't come. I have heard of people listing what they want to pray about, however, and I think doing so enables them to not only get to everything they want to get to, but it reminds them to look back and see how God has answered their prayers. I don't want to obsessive about it, but I also like to be able to look back and really see how God has answered my prayers. Also, I want to be able to walk away from the situation, so that whatever answer I feel I am getting is really from God, and not from my own desires. Writing down my prayers seems like a good way to do this.

Being Me

My biggest struggle, my strongest temptation, my greatest fear, my deepest desire. Myself. How does one open themselves to others? How does one learn to be real? How does one stop hiding, stop running, stop fighting, stop trying. Being who you are made to be. It seems like it should be the simplest task in the world. Just stop trying to be everyone else around you. Live, Laugh, Love, right? It's never that easy. No matter how hard you try, there's always something holding you back. There's always some reason why what you say comes with an emotional shutdown, or a refusal to say it at all. I'm not sure which is worse. At least with the second, when you learn to say it, you know you have learned to trust. It is with the first that I struggle the most. I can say it, but I rarely feel it. It is safer that way. It tricks people into thinking that I am letting them in. I'm not. I want to, but I don't know how. And yet, being me is the most important thing of all. If I can't be me, then who am I? I am nothing, nothing at all. It is the most important lesson, and the only one that no one else can give you the answer to. Be yourself. It's that simple.

Radiating love

In my devotions yesterday, the lesson talked about examples in the Bible of those that "spelled" words of God's truth to others. It reminded me of Joseph, of Daniel, of Nehemiah, of Lydia. Then it asked me what words each of these people spelled with their lives. Faith. Hospitality. Purity. Steadfastness. The final thing it asked me to do was to write a prayer to God, asking him to use me to spell something beautiful with my life. The result was a request to radiate His love. I've experienced a lot of hurt, and a lot of rejection in my life. As a result, I've tried to to do the exact opposite for those I come across. But it was my desire to show them that I was a good person, that I deserved to be loved, an attempt to prevent others from rejecting me again. At the same time, I keep people at arms length. I don't let them get close. Instead of radiating God's love, I radiate fear, and distrust.

Lord, help me to radiate who you are to those in my life. Help me, Father, to be a light to those in darkness. Help me to shine for you. Doing it on my own doesn't work. Help me, Lord, to spell "Love" to those around me. Amen.

An apology

Over the course of the last few days, I've felt God telling me something. Telling me that the one area I need the most work is in the way that I relate to people. I have this tendency to look at a situation and only see the role that others play. I'm always the victim. Sometimes, I'll even admit that I contributed, but do it in such a way so as to make the other person look worse because they simply didn't understand me. I know in my head that I can be a very difficult person. I know from experience that most of my friends won't stand up to me, or at least the ones that stick around anyway. The others seem to decide they've had enough so they leave. I don't know if this is because I can't take criticism, or if this is because I'm intimidating, or what. But I do know that while it is very easy to say that it is always the other person's fault, the truth is, it is never entirely one sided. So, I'm sorry.

For those of you that I ran over in an attempt to make you see things my way, I'm sorry. For those of you I alienated because I refused to see things a different way, I'm sorry. For those of you that I walked away from, and then blamed you for it, I'm sorry.

In my own perfect little world, everything is done my way. I know in my head that I need to learn to really relate to people, but in practicality, that is one of the hardest things for me to do. For those of you who have stood by me, and dealt with all of my crap, thank you. And I'm sorry for putting you through my selfishness and pride. I promise, I'm finally a work in progress.

Ruth- Part 2

Ruth was not the only one who was faithful. Boaz was also faithful. He waited on God for the right time to do what needed to be done in order to be with Ruth. He was also a man of action. In his waiting, he did not do nothing. He continued to live the life that God had given him. He continued to follow God according to his calling. When God made it obvious that the waiting was over, then he took the next step, but not before.

God often calls us to wait, and I think it is the most difficult time a person can be in. In the words of Inigo Montoya "I hate waiting."

Ruth-Part I

For the past few weeks, I have felt a strong desire to read the book of Ruth each day. I didn't really stop to pay attention though, until recently. When I did, I light bulbs started to come on.

Ruth left Moab. In doing so, she gave up any guarantee she had of being re-married. For a woman in her time, that was big. Most women in those days had a difficult time simply surviving without a husband to care for them.However, she did what she believed was right. She followed God, and God rewarded her for her faithfulness. He not only made sure that she was able to survive upon reaching Israel, but gave her an abundance, through Boaz.

Naomi Changed her name to Mara. She lost not only her husband, but both of her sons as well. Ruth became all that she had left. She lost faith in God's love and provision. But even through that, God remained faithful. He provided her with Ruth, a woman who left  everything because of her love for Naomi and her belief in God's faithfulness. Through her, Naomi is blessed with the heritage of Jesus. Because of her, we know Naomi as Naomi, instead of as Mara.

The book of Ruth is a love story, but more than that, it is a story of God's provision in our lives.

Inadequacy

Lately, Satan seems to love attacking me with feelings of inadequacy. That I'm not responsible because sometimes I spend money on going to see a movie. That I'm not an adult because if given the opportunity I stay up later and sleep in. That because I'm socially awkward, I'm incapable of having anything more than a surface relationship with anybody. I know it's not true. I pay my bills, and I pay them on time. I stay up late, but when I need to get up, I do (this past month at work is a testament to that. Of course then he just tells me that my excitement about having the 4-midnight shift is just immaturity, and that if I was a responsible adult, I would have wanted the 8-4 shift.) I am socially awkward, it's true. But that doesn't mean that I don't have really good friends. It's just extremely difficult to see these feelings as the satanic attack that they are.

I grew up believing that in order to be a responsible adult, you had to wake up at 5:30 every morning, and spend at least 30 minutes, and maybe sometimes an hour, just getting ready. You needed to have every minute carefully scheduled, and you needed to follow that schedule. You couldn't ever deviate from the schedule, or you weren't being responsible.

In order to be wise with your money, you had to be aware of the fact that you didn't have any, so going anywhere or doing anything especially fun either had to be free, or extremely rare. And of course for me, having more than one or two friends was out of the question. The best way to spend my time was reading.

Not all of the things I grew up believing are completely false. Those that are socially awkward have a more difficult time making friends. If you don't have money to spend, then you can't spend it. And if your life demands that you be really well organized in order to get everything done, then so be it. The problem is that Satan likes to take these ideas and magnify them in my brain. Then he tells me that because I'm not living up to this ideal adult that I have in my head, then I'm not being successful as an adult.

But you know what? I moved to Texas. On my own. I feed myself, pay my rent, and all of my student loans. I go to work on time, budget my paycheck, and am managing to cultivate some friendships. This is about as adult as it gets, and I need to stop thinking that going somewhere else, or doing something else will change things. So Satan, leave me the frick alone. Cuz you're wrong. About all of it.

Love Story

Everyone has a story. It tells of how their life happened, the major events that occurred in order to bring them to the place they are now. Sadly, most of the time, the story that one tells is of how they fought so hard to overcome all of the negative experiences in their life. It is a story that excuses the way they act. "You don't know what I went through, and if you did, you wouldn't think of me in that way." It is a story of anger and pain. But what if we focused our stories on the good, rather than the bad? What if, instead of saying "I'm a bitter and angry person because of xyz" we said "When xyz happened, good came about. I learned something, people I didn't know existed came along side me and encouraged me." What if our stories were based on love? This is just such a story.

I am 9 years old. The last two years my family has spent a lot of time and energy helping my aunt fight cancer. She has just gone to be with Jesus. I don't understand. I prayed. Why didn't God heal her? Wasn't he listening? Doesn't he love me? The answer, yes, comes in a surprising way. It comes in the form of four legs and a happy tail.

Just a few short months after her death, my parents finally give in and get me the dog I so desperately want. He is adorable. He is full of energy. He is really high maintenance. He is mine. He knows it too. From the first day we spent together, there was an inseparable bond. I couldn't leave the room without him following me. In the wake of my aunt's death, Patches was an angel in disguise.

I am 10. I go to a small church, and there aren't many people here. My last friend has moved away. I tag along in my brother's shadow, hoping that I won't be told to leave, hoping that maybe his friends will become my friends too. I am shy and quiet. I try to stay out of everyone's way. Maybe if I don't annoy them, they'll like me. Then one day I make a new friend. She doesn't go to my church, but that doesn't matter. She lives right up the street from me. We have the same adventurous spirit. We like doing the same things. We're both homeschooled. God has once again answered my unspoken request for a relationship that demonstrates His love for me, in ways I can't even imagine. He has given me someone I can relate to.

My first day of school. I'm excited. I'm a little bit nervous, but I had a chance to meet some of the kids before hand and they really seemed to like me. I should be okay. My mom is worried. She knows I have a hard time connecting with kids my age, and is afraid I won't make friends. I tell her not to worry. Everything will be fine. And I was right. For about a week. But this time, I'm not lonely for a few hours on a Sunday morning. I have to deal with it for six hours a day, five days a week. I learn really quickly to bring my book and read whenever there is downtime. If I don't try to connect with them, then it doesn't hurt so much when they reject me. They've made it pretty clear. I'm not welcome. And yet. And yet, once again, God provides me with a way to relate. Early on, I chose not to play any sports. I wasn't any good, and I wasn't interested. My parents paid for me to go on a retreat with church, so it wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. During the spring, I got to play softball. It was the first time I had played competitively, but I had played for years on a non competitive team, so I mostly knew what I was doing. And they put me in the infield. Me? In  the infield? Only the really good players get to watch the bases. I got to play third. It was the same position my sister had played when she was in high school. They gave me an award at the end of the year. God allowed me to find a place that I fit, even when I didn't think it was possible.

19 years old. I have chosen Deaf Studies as my major in college. I have been accepted to the only school in the state that offers that degree. I have made friends. God, why are you telling me I need to go somewhere else? Haven't I had a hard enough time fitting in in the past? I fit. This is what I want to study. The school you want me to go to doesn't even have my major. It's REALLY expensive. How are you going to make this work? I don't want to do it. I may not like the school here very much, but I love the people. I've never felt so connected before. Why can't I stay? Because you have other plans. If you could let me in on those plans, that would be great. Thanks. He never does, but I go anyway. I've been trying to listen better to Him lately, so I take a step in faith. I never really understand why.

2010. I have been dating this boy for 4 months now. It's been a bit of a roller coaster, but he's exciting, and I really like him a lot. He just doesn't talk to me much. It's a lot of work, but they do say that love and commitment isn't easy right? Right. 3 months later and I'm ready to throw in the towel. Remember Patches? The dog I got right after my aunt died? Well, he just passed away. While I was in England. I didn't get to say good-bye. I knew it was probably going to happen, but I was hoping he'd be there when I got home. Didn't happen that way, and right now I'm feeling pretty lonely. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my dog, and I'm wondering what in the world I'm supposed to do with my life. It's really hard to see what good could possibly come from this situation. But God does have a plan. That fall, I finally find a church that I like. It has been two years since I switched schools, but I finally have a church that I can call home. And I love the atmosphere. I make new friends, and life seems a little less bleak. Not only that, but I finally get to interpret for someone. She is an adorable 3rd grader. She makes me laugh, and smile. For the first time in a while, I have a place that I feel wanted and needed. God brought it all together. Not only that, but amidst all of the confusion and heartbreak, God shows me what I am supposed to do with my life. It makes so much sense, once all of the pieces fall into place. For  the first time I take the advice that was given to me and I take a linguistics class. I have never enjoyed another class so much. In addition to that, I learn that there is a place for Sign Language within Bible translation. Another piece falls into place. I don't have to stop working with the Deaf in order to do this. I needed to stop feeling like I had it all together, because otherwise I would not have been willing to listen when He told me what to do. Funny how our plans often get in the way of God's better ones. I am glad He took away the plans I had, because what He has in store is even more glorious than I can imagine.

You know how they say "the grass is always greener on the other side?" Well, sometimes that's true. Especially when we have gotten ourselves into a place where we are stuck. When you can't move forward where you're at, sometimes you have to take the long way around. Sometimes that involves little changes, and sometimes it involves very big ones. In this case, it involved a big one. I have now been in Texas, the Fort Worth area to be exact, for 3 1/2 months. I was extremely surprised when it actually became possible, but for once, I feel like my desires and God's desires lined up. He made it possible, I just did my part. I can't believe how much it's changed me. When life forces you to get up and go from 7:30 am-9:30 pm, you know you're not able to stop and rest. You know it's time for a change. So that's what I did. And here I am. God has provided for me in more ways than I can describe right now, and all I can say is, his love is everlasting. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift! (2 Corinthians 9:15)

What a novel idea :P

Lately, I've been listening to talk radio on my way to and from work. It started because I was too tired to listen to music that early in the morning. I just wanted something that allowed me to wake up a little more slowly than high energy country music does. That being said, it's basically impossible to not hear all of the drama that is going on with the election coming up.

Knowing that Obama's main plan is to raise the amount of taxes that the rich pay and that Romney is planning on cutting government spending (or so they both say. I have a feeling that Obama's is more likely to happen than Romney's, for the simple reason that it's easier to say that you will cut spending, than it is to actually do it.) One's plan is to spend less, the other's is to bring in more revenue. Neither one's plan seems to be too terribly popular, although, for those in the lower and middle classes, Obama's plan seems to be more popular than Romney's. He is, after all, making life easier for the less fortunate. Robin Hood comes to mind. The difference between President Obama and Robin Hood, however, is that Robin Hood was fighting injustice and the practice the rich had of stealing from the poor in order to make themselves more comfortable. Conversely, the rich in America have actually worked for their money. It is understandable then, that the rich would want to hold on to the money they have worked so hard to obtain. When that happens, you wind up with a demographic that isn't very happy with its leadership.

The thing that I find interesting in all of this, is that the presidential race itself costs each candidate close to a billion dollars. The national debt is about 16 trillion dollars. While I understand that there is a large gap between a billion dollars and 16 trillion, if the candidates are able to raise that much money in 9 months that they campaign, they you would think they would be able to raise a lot more than that during the four years that they are in office. The problem is that America has more bills to pay than it has income. The way they try to fix this is by raising taxes. But when the economy is in a free fall, the american people don't have the money to contribute to the government's debt payments.

Cutting spending, I think, is still important, but to force the people to pay what they can't afford, or to take the hard earned money from the rich, isn't right. If I have worked for money, I want to be able to do with it as I see fit. If that means that I give to charities and to the less fortunate, then that's what I would do. But don't force me to give you more than my fair share. If I made more than 250,000/year, could I afford to pay a higher percentage than someone that makes 20,000/year? Of course. But that's not the issue. The issue is giving the rich the right to keep their money and use it as they see fit. Most of  the rich give quite generously to various charities, and do so with a good conscience, knowing that they have supported the causes that they feel are worthy of support.

It seems we have an interesting dilemma then. How does the government come up with the money it needs, without taxing the living daylights out of the rich (which really comes down to punishing them for their success)? Well, my suggestion would be for the President to continue fundraising AFTER he has been elected. By doing so, he allows the rich to choose to support whatever cause they desire. In addition to that, by fundraising for specific government programs instead of taking out general taxes and choosing for the people where the money will go (or at least not as much anyway) the people get to decide how their money is used. That way, if someone does not approve of a specific program, they don't have to spend more money  on it than they already are. If the standing President can campaign and raise money while still running the country, then it stands to reason that he should be able to do it consistently. Maybe not easily, but if one President could do so, and set the precedent for those that follow after, we would certainly pull ourselves out of the hole we're in a lot faster.

Because I'm tired of the controversy over Chick-fil-a

It's big news. I'm pretty sure you can't live in this country and not know about it. A few weeks ago, Chick-fil-a President Dan Cathy responded in the affirmative to an interview question about the understanding that Chick-fil-a is against gay marriage. Big surprise.

What is frustrating is the lack of restraint on both sides as a result. The LGBT community is crying "discrimination!" and the Christians are rallying behind the company as a banner for the Christian agenda. Yes, I did just call it an agenda.

All Cathy did was respond to an interview question. He was asked, point blank, what Chick-fil-a's views were on marriage. He responded that they believed in the traditional definition, rather than the modern definition. He did not say that gays were sinners, condemned to hell. He did not say that they did not have the same rights as everyone else. He did not once attack homosexuality. He simply said that the business believed that the word marriage meant one man and one woman. And really, when it comes down to it, all it is is a definition. Believe me when I say that people's definitions of a word differ all the time. I sure hope I'm not considered a bigot, or prejudiced, because my definition of healthy eating differs from that of a vegan. (Or perhaps it would be the vegan who is prejudiced for believing that I'm headed towards an early grave for eating hamburgers on a regular basis?)

When it comes down to it, most social issues are issues because people are standing on different definitions. Should those who fight for animal rights be called extremists? What about those who follow the slogan of "save the planet"? Their beliefs are different than most others (after all, if everyone agreed that animals have the same rights as humans, the slaughter houses would be out of business) but they aren't called bigots, and they aren't called intolerant. Their beliefs are embraced as part of American culture, so why can't the beliefs of the Christians be accepted as well?

However, those fighting for LGBT rights are not the only ones to blame. When Cathy said that Chick-fil-a supports traditional marriage, the Christians responded as if he was the savior of American culture. We have started Chick-fil-a appreciation day. This didn't exist before, and is really being taken as an opportunity to throw Cathy's comment in the face of the LGBT community. In doing so, we have all but agreed with the LGBT community that Chick-fil-a is anti-homosexual. We have taken what was said and responded with "Of course! they are a Christian company. They have biblical values, and that means they believe that homosexuals are wrong and should repent." It has changed from a question of what the definition of marriage is, to "us vs. them."

No wonder the LGBT community is pissed off. Dan Cathy responded with a simple answer to a simple question. We have taken that and used it almost as a hate campaign against those who are homosexual. When we respond without love, how can we expect others to do so?

In reality, Chick-fil-a is not a hateful, homophobic company. They are conservative, and as such hold conservative values. Their opinion differs from that of the LGBT community and its supporters, but a difference of opinion does not make something/someone hateful. In addition to that, Chick-fil-a has not attempted to establish itself as the leader for social reform, and Christians need to stop acting like it has.