Lent when you don't feel like it

I wasn't planning on observing Lent this year. In fact, I was determined not to. You see, God and I aren't really on the best terms right now. So much has happened. BUT. I still hold on to the belief that an act of worship is an act of worship regardless of how you feel about it. I still hold on to the belief that God is holy, and worthy of my devotion. I don't like him much right now, but I do still love him. For me, this means that whether I feel like it or not, I need to worship Him. So, even though I'm a week late in starting, I will observe Lent. What I love about traditional churches, and liturgy, is that its not about me. It forces me to take the focus off of myself and the way in which I interact with the experience, and it places it entirely on God. I don't have to worry about faking an emotional experience because no emotional reaction is required. All that is required of me is to show up. All that I have to do is participate. Going through the motions is ok, for now. I don't think God expects any more of me than that, and I don't think simply showing up is too much to ask. The whole point of Lent is to deny yourself something. To take the focus off of yourself and put it back on God. And that, to me, is the best way to live out your faith, whether I feel like it or not, because its not about me.

Belonging

I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I lived in a place where no one understood me. I went through the motions of growing up, and trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I fought to change who I was in order to try and make people like me better. Then, upon graduating from college, I said "enough! I'm gonna do what I want to do." So I packed up and moved myself to Texas. It was a desperate bid on my part to find an adventure, and also to move to a location where I had heard there were people who acted more like me. Little did I know that this was more true than I could have ever imagined. God blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings with a group of young adults that not only loved me for who I was, but who also challenged me in my faith in a way that no one else ever had.

Then I got married, and moved to North Carolina. I thought maybe I had learned enough in Texas, that I was strong enough from the healing it had provided me. I was wrong. Shortly after moving here, my anxiety attacks, which I had experienced a little bit of in California, returned with a vengeance. It was enough to warrant medication. I have since struggled to find my place in this new land, without much luck. I struggle on a daily basis to live in the here and now, instead of in the past. In a way, it has been worse than California was, because at least before I didn't know what life could look like when you feel like you have a place where you belong.

However, God is good. I do have one friend, and Marc and I have been attending a good church. But I honestly think that maybe God did all of this on purpose. I have a hard time turning to him when my life is good. When I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to, I turn to Him. I know I should anyway, but when life is easy, it's hard to remember to do so. Anyway, I feel like if I can learn my lesson, maybe God will stop trying to teach it to me. Maybe I can finally learn something the easy way. Maybe, if I can continue to rely on God when life is good and I feel like I belong, I won't be put in situations where I feel like such an alien. God help me.

Easy, breezy days of summer

It's almost summer. I have two weeks of school left, and I will be left with more time on my hands than I will probably know what to do with. Last summer, I spent my free time cleaning, and organizing the house. This summer, the house is already unpacked and nearly ready to go, so whatever will I do with myself? I have a few ideas.

For starters, Loki needs some very consistent training. And exercise. Lots of it. That will probably cover about 2 hours a day (depending on whether I drive to the city dog park, or just use the smaller complex dog run). Since I doubt I will ever, on any given day, wake up before 10, that at least takes care of my mornings :) That just leaves me with afternoons. My goal is to try some work from home options, in addition to the mystery shopping I have been doing lately. The rest of the time, I have projects I want to finally tackle.

-Write a book (I have been toying with this one for a few years now, and just have not made myself sit down and do it)

-Create a Udemy course (Udemy is a website where you can find various courses that people have created, to teach on most any topic, but there aren't a lot of people teaching ASL, so we'll see how that goes. The good news is that its free to create and sell!)

-Sew a skirt. (I've had the material, and the pattern for a while, I just haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. I guess I'll have time now :D)

Reflections

It has been almost a year since I posted last. That kind of blows my mind. I can't believe that time has gone by so fast. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I got married. That statement alone sums up what life has been like the last 8 1/2 months. It is wonderful, and scary, and beautiful. Sometimes I wonder just what exactly I got myself in to, and at others times I can't believe my good fortune, to have married a man such as Marc. My life is so different with him, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I started a new job. This, probably more than anything else, has caused more anxiety and stress than I can imagine. Most of the time I'm not allowed to do what I was hired to do (long story), but when my kid and I are able to work together, and it's obvious that she finally understands what we've been working on, it's the most rewarding feeling in the world.

Together, Marc and I have paid off nearly $30,000 in debt. This, more than anything else, blows my mind. I could not have even dreamed of paying off so much in one year before now. I'm happy that he and I are on the same page, and that we are both determined to make the rest of it go away before long. 

I'm learning, every day, I'm learning that I prefer to have experiences, rather than things. I'm learning that clutter drives me nuts. I'm learning to live with less so that I can experience more. I'm learning that it's not always about me, and what I want. I'm learning to let go, and to be satisfied with what I have, and where I am. I'm learning to be creative. But most of all, I'm learning what it means to be happy in spite of undesirable circumstances. I'm learning to be content, instead of always wishing for what I don't have.

In realizing that I desire less clutter, more simplicity, and better experiences, I have started reading a blog called Becoming minimalist. In a guest post of theirs, the author states "When you focus on what’s lacking in your life, you’ll do or buy anything to fill that void."


I think this, more than anything else, has made me realize that it's time to examine my motives, and practice contentment. It's has also helped me to focus on the difference between contentment, and complacency. Contentment is being satisfied with what you have and being where you are, while continually working to do your best. Complacency is apathy. It is knowing that you could do better, and be better, but refusing to do so. It is giving up. I don't want to give up, but I do want to be satisfied.

Goodbyes are never easy

My last day. It's quite bittersweet. I'm looking forward to what the upcoming years have in store, but oh how my heart longs to stay here. Texas, you were my first real home. I moved here looking for a summer adventure and found the best two years of my life so far.

I got my first (and second, and third) full time job here.
I had my first apartment here.
I made my first major car repair here.
I lost a dog, and subsequently was finally able to get some closure on the one I lost a few years ago.
I found another dog that's as healthy and happy and rambunctious as you could ever want.
I discovered I have ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder.
I discovered that I have an intolerance for grains.
I made some of the best friends I've ever had.
I went on a trip to Jamaica for two weeks and got to see what Deaf ministry really looks like.
I broke up with the love of my life, and got engaged to him a little more than a year later.
I planned a wedding long distance.
I paid off $8,000 of student loans.
I've learned more about myself and my faith and how to relate to the world than all my time growing
     up.
I've learned to be satisfied with who I am.

Texas, you are without a doubt the single best decision I ever made, and I sincerely hope we meet again some day soon. But for now, I need to take all that you've taught me, and live my life to the fullest in a new area, with new people, and new things to learn. Thanks for everything, my friend. I certainly will never forget all that you have done for me.

Grain-free discoveries

I started the adventure of eating grain free back in January. Since then, I have had to bad relapses (I say bad, because they lasted far longer than one meal). Both times I have gotten sick within a week of said relapse. The first time I thought it was a coincidence. After all, I get sick all the time right? But this time it happened again, and it has been so much worse (I think because it was for a longer period of time, and I still haven't completely gotten myself back off of them yet).

One thing that is really interesting though, is that I noticed how much worse I felt almost immediately after eating that which i was not supposed to eat (in this case, a can of chicken noodle soup). Normally, the chicken noodle soup helps me to feel better. It's warm, and soothing, and (so I thought) easy on my stomach. Perfect sicky food right? Well, apparently, now it just adds to the general feeling of blah. My head started to hurt, my nose got more clogged, and my energy level went way down again. Surprise, surprise. So much for my "comfort food."

However, the more I play with this, the more I find out about myself. Recently, my energy levels were pretty much back to the way they were pre-elimination diet, so I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't grains after all, and if that's the case, then what's the point? Well, clearly catching a cold every time I eat them too frequently is another VERY good reason to stay away. It's hard, and frustrating, when the majority of easy food is stuff I can't have. When I work all week, then have to work all weekend cooking and cleaning so I can eat better. It's expensive, and sometimes (ok most of the time) I wonder if there's really much point. But then I think about the fact that I could be doing much worse. I could have continued to eat the way I was, and continued to get sick every three weeks like I was. But that is even worse, in my mind, than what I am doing now.

Instead of complaining that it is too much work, that it's too stressful, that I can't or don't want to, or whatever, I can look at the choices I've made, and remind myself that there was a reason that I made them. And that reason is becoming more clear every day. Because if I'm miserable, then eating the food I want to eat isn't worth it.

Can it be? Is math actually logical?

I keep seeing this video about the new way common core is teaching kids subtraction. Have you seen it? Basically a person walks around a college campus, and asks various college students what 32-12 is. Of course, they all say 20, and then the standard way of writing out 32-12 appears on the screen, followed by the new common core method. This new method requires a student to add in order to get the right answer. First, 12+3=15, then 15+5=20, then 20+10=30, and last 30+2=32 The answer then is 3+5+10+2=20. The responses have been loud and unanimous. "It's too hard!" "I don't get it!" "Where do they get the random numbers to add up?"

Now, as an adult with a college degree, I have memorized over the years the fact that 32-12=20. And I can also write it out using the standard formula. But now let me make something very clear to you. I never understood math. I struggled with it all through school, and as soon as I had the chance to drop it, I did so. I recall an argument I had with my mom when I was first learning to subtract. I was adamant that 1-1=1, not zero. (I was in the first grade, cut me some slack). I finally just accepted the fact that I was never going to really understand math, and just needed to memorize what I was being told, whether it made sense to me or not. Subtraction with carrying? Forget it. To this day, I still don't understand WHY subtracting one number from another and adding it to the next turns a zero into a 10 (instead of a 1). (like 100-33. Cross out the one, stick it next to the first zero, to equal 10, then cross it out again to get 9, add the extra digit to the final zero to get 10 so you can subtract 3 from 10, instead of 3 from zero, and 3 from 9, instead of 3 from 0.) I just know that's what you do.  So now you know where I am coming from. Math makes no sense in my head. Just memorize how to do it, and move on. But this common core thing? It makes sense to me. That in and of itself is a small miracle.

Let me tell you why. I'll explain by answering the last of the questions raised on the video. "Where do they get the random numbers to add together?"They don't just magically pull them out of the air, I promise. When they tell a child to add 12+3=15, they are showing them how to get to an easier number to deal with. I know automatically that 15+5=20. 5's are easy to work with. But I have to do a little bit of mental math almost every time when I try to figure out what the difference is between 12 and 20. The mental math I do? 20-5=15, and 15=3=12. 3+5=8. Exactly like how common core is teaching these kids. Now, once they are at 15, it's far easier to make the jump to 20, then 30. and the number 2 is obvious, because that's all that's left. Does it take longer? Yes. But if this shows kids how to break down math into more manageable numbers, so that there is less confusion, less memorizing, and more reasoning, then good for them!

Can't, or don't?

I recently read an article via facebook that explained the differences between the words "can't"  and "don't." Can't means you physically cannot do it. You are unable to do so. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Sometimes it means you can't eat something. Your body physically cannot process whatever it is that you are putting in your mouth, and it makes you sick. Sometimes it means you can't lift something. It is physically impossible for you to life it because your muscles do not have the strength to do so. Or maybe it has to do with your emotions. Your emotions literally cannot handle it if you your hear something, and it causes you to go into depression, or anxiety, or whatever. That is what can't means.

Don't, however, is a choice. To say "I don't watch scary movies" means that you could if you wanted to, you might even be able to sleep alright afterwards, you just don't like them, so you don't watch them. Or perhaps you say "I don't read books that promote certain things." Can you? Of course you can, but again, you are choosing not to.

The article mentioned that those people who say "I can't eat this or that" were far more likely to eat it anyway. The people who said "I don't eat this or that" tended to do much better staying away from it. Why is that, I wonder? I think it is because when someone says "I can't" they are issuing a challenge to themselves. It is a phrase the engenders the response of "oh yeah? watch me." Can't is limiting. It tells you that you are not capable of doing something, and no one likes to be told, even by themselves, that they are not capable of whatever they want to do. Don't is empowering. It says "I am making a choice. I am taking control of my life. I am choosing to do these things."

The reason this struck me so much is because I have been really struggling with trying not to eat grains. I see other people eating frozen pizzas, ramen, and macaroni and cheese, and while I realize that is bad for me, that does not take away the desire to eat it. I look at that food and I think "This really sucks. I hate that I can't eat that anymore. I hate that my body is preventing me from eating what I want to." But here's the thing. That's not true. It's a lie that I tell myself so that I can feel like a victim of my circumstances. It is a lie that makes me feel better because it gives me an excuse, a reason to complain about my situation.

Well guess what? I am not a victim. I have never been a victim. I made the choice to eat differently, and to blame it on circumstances only makes me fight against that choice even more. Why did I make that choice to begin with? Because I wanted to feel better. I wanted to have more energy, more concentration, and less anxiety. Well, now I am choosing to look at it in a different way. Instead of telling myself that I "can't eat" this or that, I will remind myself that I can, but I am choosing not to. I don't eat that anymore. It's not healthy, it makes me feel sick, and I don't want to live like that anymore. I am well within my rights as a person to continue to do so, I can eat whatever I want to. But I don't anymore, because my quality of life is far superior when I continue to make the choice not to.

The Realization of Curiosity

Life, faith, science, right, wrong, good, bad, truth, lies, all of these topics require a necessary curiosity in order to accurately determine where you stand. I remember as a child, always asking questions, wanting to know what others thought, wanting to know WHY. But as I grew up, the curiosity gave way to the belief that only the immature, only those who don't know themselves or what they believe, really ask questions; that if you want to be respected, you have to be the one with the answers. So I stopped asking, and started answering, based on what I knew. That knowledge was, and still is, I think, fairly limited. But I couldn't ask too many questions, what if someone questioned my motives? What if someone doubted that I really believed? In a conservative Christian community, having someone believe that it might be possible that I was struggling at all with what I was taught was the worst possible thing, in my mind. If questions led to another person's doubt of where I stood, then it was my job to figure it out on my own. I needed to make sure that I was "always ready with a defense for the hope that was in me" (1 Peter 3:15). Raised the way I was, with an AWANA background, church every Sunday, and Parents who were once on staff with Crusade, doubt wasn't an option, and in my mind, not having the answers equaled doubt.

I'm not sure when the shift occurred. I know it began sometime during college, when I began to realize that no matter how important it was to have all the answers, that was just not a position I was in. A good friend of mine decided that Science made more sense to her than what she had been taught in school. Other friends shared their beliefs that evolution and the Bible could co-exist, that there was no reason why the current scientific explanation for everything could not also align with the Bible. I had no clue one way or the other. In addition to that, I was constantly reminded that my knowledge of scriptures throughout the Bible was not sufficient to answer questions that were raised from a specific book. If Paul is writing to the Romans, and his writing raises a question, that question needs to be answerable by Romans, because the Romans certainly didn't have access to the letter that Paul wrote to the Corinthians. In other words, I came face to face with just how inadequate my knowledge was. Thus I was forced to ask questions again.

Unfortunately, I did not have much interest in asking questions. It is far more fun to have all the answers. I was out of practice, and exhausted from working 3 jobs. Besides, these were not MY questions. They were questions that were raised by others, my friend who turned to science being the most notable. The funny thing is though, that while I did not have the means to answer her questions, I didn't have the desire to gain the knowledge that would allow me to do so. In other words, I was more concerned about graduating with a piece of paper, than making use of the opportunity that my education provided me. So I focused on life, and refused to allow any questions, let alone any doubts, wiggle their way into my conscience. The problem with this is that eventually such questions do make their way to the forefront of your mind. Those things that were once brushed off as simply another person's misgivings become your own uncertainties, and your lack of knowledge is no longer so easily brushed aside.

When it comes down to it, eventually I had to face the fact that my lack of knowledge on any given subject was my own fault. I regret that I spent so much of my college career focusing on work, and so little of it on my actual education. I did my work, yes, but never to the best of my ability. I asked questions because I was required to, but hardly ever let any of my own curiosity leak into what I was studying. Torrey taught me to not only ask questions, but to look at things from all perspectives. I didn't take advantage of it at the time, but I at least managed to graduate with the ability to do so now, and an understanding of the importance of doing so.

Life, faith, science, right, wrong, good, bad, truth, lies, I know I don't have all the answers, in fact, I have almost none of them, but I am starting to ask the questions. For the first time, I am starting to ask MY questions, instead of attempting to pass on someone else's curiosity. At least it's a place to start from. Who knows where it will lead me? But at least this time around I am a willing student.

Love God, and do whatever you want

A few days ago, I got an e-mail from amazon, stating that I was owed a refund of $0.73 because of some lawsuit they lost. Not a lot of money, but I thought, "hey, that means I can probably afford one of their cheap kindle books now. Cool!" So I started looking to see what was in the $2 range, and happened to see Rachel Held Evans' "A year of Biblical Womanhood." I remembered that a friend of mine had received it for Christmas a couple years ago, and really enjoyed it, so I decided to buy it and see for myself if I liked it or not. This book is the first book on the subject that has actually made sense to me.

For those of you who aren't familiar with her, Rachel Held Evans is a Christian blogger, and author. However, she does tend to be quite controversial in Christian circles, because she views things from a more liberal standpoint (she says herself that she is a democrat, and believes in evolution, so you can kind of see where the controversy might lie). However, she is also someone who has taken the time to not only read the Bible, but do all of the historical and contextual research that seems to be lacking in the majority of evangelical christian literature today.

See, I went to a Christian school, but the education I received was vastly different from a normal Christian school education. For 3 1/2 years, I read classical literature, and studied the Bible in a way that was completely new and foreign to me: I read it as literature, instead of just as truth. I learned that in reading it this way, you have to look at the cultural and historical context, because otherwise, it just doesn't make any sense. For example, in  Deuteronomy 22:28-29 it states

 ²⁸ “If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and 

lies with her and they are discovered, ²⁹ then the man who lay with her shall 

give to the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because

 he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days." 

A basic literal reading of this passage as truth would indicate that we as Christians should require all women to marry their rapists. But we don't. Why? Because a look at this within the historical and cultural context of the time reveals that it was necessary then, but certainly not now. The reasoning behind this passage is that culturally, unmarried women of the time who were not virgins were not eligible to get married. This verse is here to protect the women that found themselves in sucky situations, and provide them with a means to be provided for. 

So, why is it that we take passages such as the above and ignore them; relegating them to the land of cultural relevance; but passages such as Proverbs 31, and tell women that the best possible way for you to be a godly woman is to emulate this woman of valor as closely as possible in our day and times?

In other words, we pick and choose what we want to be christian law that we should follow in order to to be good christians, and ignore those things that we don't like. So my thinking? The Bible is truth. No doubt about it. The stories contained in it actually happened. No argument there. But the purpose of it is to give us principles to follow. Things like "love the lord your God with all your heart" or "be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven you" are what we should be doing. The Bible was never meant to be turned into law. Law is wearisome. Law is a burden. Christ came to fulfill the law, not give us a new one to follow. 

Looking at one person's attempt to live out the Biblical mandates to women as literally as possible shows us how silly it is in practice. We state that we read the Bible literally,  and follow it literally, but no one who is not viewed as legalistic actually does so. To continue to present our following of it as such does little more than hurt other's belief of what Christianity actually is, and makes us look like little more than hypocrites.

But all that aside, Rachel Held Evans does a much better job of presenting all of this than I do (it was her book after all). You should go read it. It's quite an eye opener. :)

Paleo/Primal cooking

Since discovering that I don't handle grains well, I've started cooking with substitutes. (Wonderful things like almond flour means that I can make things that are very close to what I ate before, without leaving me exhausted :D) While it's worth it to feel better, it's also quite time consuming, because I have to actually cook every single meal from scratch. This means that I usually just take a day on the weekend and get all the cooking for the next week or two out of the way. After all, if I'm gonna go to the effort of cooking a meal from scratch, I might as well do 4 or 5 of them and have more food available for longer right? Makes life a little bit easier anyway :).

Yesterday, I decided to cook up everything for the next month. I'm not usually this ambitious, but I'm moving, which means my kitchen will be packed up soon, and I wanted my food ready and waiting for me when I needed to eat it, instead of having all these ingredients, and no way to cook them (never a good situation to be in). So away to the store I went, and bought everything I needed. And after about 9 hours in the kitchen, I finally got it mostly done.

I made 5 "bento boxes" for lunches, which basically just consist of hard boiled eggs, sunflower seeds, roasted garbanzo beans, and raisins. Then in addition to that I made Meatza Pizza, Chicken Alfredo (with spaghetti squash noodles) Chicken Parmesan (with spaghetti squash noodles) chicken curry with quinoa, avocados stuffed with tuna salad, tortillas for tacos, banana chocolate chip muffins, chicken and "rice" (using cauliflower instead of rice) and meatballs and cabbage in stewed tomatoes. Recipes below (sorry I didn't take any pictures. I was a little pre-occupied with trying to finish before 10 pm :P)

From dropdeadgorgeousdaily

Paleo Chicken Curry

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon coconut oil or ghee

1 large onion, thinly sliced

3 cloves garlic, crushed (or to taste)

1 small fresh red chili, finely chopped

2 tablespoons curry powder (or to taste)

2tbsps coconut oil or ghee

1 boneless, skinless chicken (I used chicken thighs, but you could also use breasts) cut into thin strips

1 cup mango chutney

1 1/2 cups coconut milk or single cream (half and half)

1 bag of baby spinach or some fresh sorrel if you’re lucky

Salt and pepper to taste

Coriander (cilantro) to garnish

Method:

Heat the oil or ghee in a large steep-sided frying pan or skillet.  Coconut oil or ghee are recommended  for Paleo cooking and are absolutely delicious in this dish, but you could also use vegetable oil.

Saute the onions and garlic until soft and then add the chili and curry powder.  Fry for a minute or two until the spice become fragrant.  Add the chicken strips and saute until brown all over.

Add the mango chutney and coconut milk (or cream) and then cook at a medium heat for about five minutes until the chicken is cooked through.  Add a huge heap of spinach or sorrel and continue cooking until the spinach has wilted into the curry.  If you’re lucky enough to have some sorrel, the lemony sharpness is perfect for this.

Season to taste and garnish with a little lime and cilantro (coriander).  To keep with the Paleo theme, I like to serve this with tiny roasted cauliflower florets, but some Basmati or jasmine rice would obviously work too.

From Deliciouslyorganic

Chicken and “Rice” Casserole (Grain-Free)

Serving Size: Serves 8

If your bacon is relatively lean, you may want to add a tablespoon or two of butter when you add the cauliflower to the pan (remember, it’s good to eat saturated fats with your vegetables so the body can assimilate the fat soluble nutrients. For those who follow a dairy free or Paleo diet, I know the cashew “cheese” sounds a bit odd, but trust me - it’s fantastic!


Ingredients

• 4 pieces bacon, chopped

• 1 large yellow onion, chopped

• 12 ounces button mushrooms, chopped

• 1 teaspoon dried thyme

• 1 1/2 teaspoons Celtic sea salt
• 1 large head cauliflower, “riced”*

• 1 1/2 pounds cooked chicken, shredded
• 1/2 cup sour cream (or for dairy free, Gaps or Paleo use cashew “cheese”) 

• 1 cup raw cheddar (omit for dairy free, Gaps, Paleo)
• 4 green onions, chopped

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Place bacon in a large skillet over medium heat. Cook until crispy. Using a slotted spoon, remove bacon from pan leaving the bacon drippings in the pan. Add onions and mushrooms to the bacon drippings and cook, about 10 minutes, stirring frequently, until mushrooms have released their moisture and are just turning golden brown on the edges. Make a well in the center of the pan and add the thyme and salt. Stir in the center of the pan until fragrant, about 45 seconds. Add cauliflower and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add chicken, cooked bacon and sour cream (or cashew cheese) then stir until combined. Season with sea salt to taste. Pour mixture into an 11 x 7 - inch buttered dish (or individual dishes as pictured above). If using cheese, sprinkle with cheese and bake for 20 minutes or so until top is just turning golden brown. Sprinkle with green onions. Serve hot.

*To rice the cauliflower - Cut the cauliflower into large pieces (about 2-inch). Place in a food processor and pulse for 7-8 one-second pulses until the size of rice. Click here to see a photo.

from Askgeorgie

 Ingredients

1 cup egg whites

1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk

1/4 cup coconut flour

1/2 tsp each: cumin and garlic

1/4 tsp each: salt and cayenne pepper

Method

1. In a blender pitcher, combine all ingredients. Process for 10-20 seconds to break up any lumps in the coconut flour. Let is sit for 10 minutes so the coconut flour hydrates.

2. Heat a nonstick skillet over medium heat and oil the bottom lightly if the nonstick coating isn’t great. When hot, pick up the pan and pour 1/4 cup of the batter into the center of the pan, giving the pan a tilt-rotate-jiggle action to spread the batter into a thin pancake about 8 inches or so across.

3. Put the pan back on the burner and let it cook until the top of the tortilla doesn’t look shiny anymore, and is not sticky to the touch. If it feels solid enough to flip, its time to flip. If it needs another minute, give it another minute. Timing isn’t crucial.

4. Use a big, wide pancake turner to flip it onto the other side. Another minute of cooking, and your tortilla is done. I recommend removing it to a paper towel-lined plate to free up the skillet for the next tortilla. Stacking the cooked tortillas on a bare plate works too, but gets some condensation moisture on the bottom to they end up a bit wet.

Makes 6. The last tortilla might be smaller than the others if you have less than 2 oz of batter remaining at the end.

From cookeatpaleo (I added mayo to it as well because my avocado wasn't mashing well enough and I needed something to hold it together) :

INGREDIENTS

• 1 avocado
• 1 lemon, juiced, to taste
• 1 tablespoon chopped onion, to taste
• 5 ounces cooked or canned wild tuna
• sea salt and pepper to taste

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut the avocado in half and scoop the middle of both avocado halves into a bowl, leaving a shell of avocado flesh about 1/4-inch thick on each half.
2. Add lemon juice and onion to the avocado in the bowl and mash together. Add tuna, salt and pepper, and stir to combine. Taste and adjust if needed.
3. Fill avocado shells with tuna salad and serve.

One of my favorites from Marksdailyapple:

Slow-Cooked Cabbage, Tomatoes and Meatballs

Last week we discussed the merits of canning your own foods. So you canned a bunch of tomatoes and now you need a good reason to use ‘em! Enter the following unstuffed cabbage recipe:

Ingredients: 
1 large head of cabbage
1 pound of ground meat (turkey, chicken, beef…you decide)
½ pound of spicy sausage, casing removed
½ cup minced onion
1 tsp caraway seeds
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 16 oz can tomatoes – including the juice
3 tbsp vinegar
1 carrot – unpeeled, ends chopped off
Salt and pepper to taste

Method: 
Preparation could go one of two ways. If available – and you have the time to throw it together in the morning – a crock pot could be used. The slow cooking process really allows the flavors to mingle and creates, in our opinion, a tastier dish. However, this dish also turns out well when made in a roasting dish and may work better for those who like to throw dinner together on the fly.

Now on to the actual method…

First, cut the cabbage into large chunks and use your fingers to roughly separate the leaves. Place half in the bottom of the crock pot or roasting pan. In a large bowl, mix the meat, sausage, onion, spices, salt and pepper. Using your hands, tightly roll the mixture into a series of small meatballs about 2-3 inches in diameter (if you don’t roll them tightly enough, they’ll break apart – while this does nothing to the taste, it looks more appetizing when you have the meatballs!) Place the meatballs on top of the cabbage and cover with the remaining cabbage. Set aside. In a food processor, combine canned tomatoes (with juice) and vinegar and pulse a few times so that the tomatoes are broken down but not pureed. Pour the mixture over the cabbage, add the carrot* and cook in a crock pot for 6-8 hours on low or in an uncovered roasting dish in an oven at 350 F for 1 hour. Remove carrot and serve piping hot.

We know this dish sounds kind of strange, but trust us, it is delicious. It all comes together to form a hearty, gorgeous amalgamation of light green cabbage, bright red tomatoes and juicy sausage and is super easy to make. Give it a try tonight and let us know what you think in the comment board.

*Due to the acidic nature of this recipe, most stuffed cabbage dishes call for sweetener to be added. However, a carrot will actually soak up the acidic flavor without adding any sugar. Just be sure to discard it before serving.

from yourpaleorecipes:

chocolate banana muffins

3 mashed over ripe bananas (Mine for small/medium size)
1/2 tsp baking soda
6 eggs
1/4 cup melted coconut oil 
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/2 cup chocolate chip

mix everything but the chocolate chips together in the blender. Stir in chocolate chips, and put it in your muffin cups. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.

Chicken alfredo:

chicken, diced up

1 head of broccoli, cut and steamed until tender

spaghetti squash

alfredo sauce

Cook spaghetti squash in oven for 1 hour and 15 min at 400, then cut it open, and pull out noodles with a fork. 

Add cooked chicken, steamed broccoli, and alfredo sauce. Mix it all together and enjoy!

Chicken parmesan:

Chicken breasts

Tomato sauce or marinara sauce

mozzarella cheese

parmesan cheese

Place chicken breasts in 9x11 pan, cover with tomato sauce and add some italian seasoning (or just cover with marinara sauce. your choice) then smother with mozzarella and parmesan cheeses, and cook for 30 min at 350. Can use spaghetti squash noodles as a side to the meat.

Meatza Pizza:

I used ground turnkey, but the original recipe says to use ground beef, and it might work better that way. Anyway, this one came from my mom.

2 lbs ground beef

2 eggs

1/2 tsp garlic powder (and I added some italian seasoning as well)

mix it together, and spread it out on a pizza pan. Cook at 350 for 20-30 min, until meat is cooked, but not dry. It will shrink. Top with pizza sauce, toppings, and cheese, then bake for about 10 min more until cheese is melted. Let it cool, and enjoy!

When I get a chance, I still have a few more meals to make (two salads, and an experimental sandwich, in addition to cooking up the leftover fish I have) So I'll post on those when I get them done :) Happy cooking!

Elimination Diet update

Well, I'm all done with the elimination diet. So far, I have discovered that all grains are out.  (No rice, corn, buckwheat, barley, nothin!) And beef needs to be kept to a minimum. Nightshades are inconclusive, since the only reaction to those would be my knee acting up, and with the working out I do, and the crazy changes in the weather, its hard to gauge that :P. Also, no soy, but regular beans seem to be ok. Keeping away from soy is hard though because soy lecithin is used in almost everything chocolate that is pre-made. (like chocolate chips, and especially candy) And of course, xantham gum and corn starch make an appearance in almost anything pre-made as well. So I guess that means just getting really good at making things from scratch huh? :P well, at least I have a little bit of practice :)

Divergent

**Spoiler alert for those of you that have not yet read the series, but are planning on either reading the books or watching the movie.**


"One Choice can transform you" "One choice can destroy you" "One choice will define you" So read the tag lines of Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy. I picked them up this weekend because I had heard good things about them, the movie for Divergent is coming out soon, and I was looking for a good book :). What I read surpassed my expectations for a young adult series. I expected easy reading, a page turning story line, and general amusement that wouldn't require a lot of thinking on my end. What I got was all of that, except the last part. See, this series starts out like a normal young adult series. There wasn't a whole lot of depth to writing, but the story itself was enjoyable, and I was able to read through it fairly quickly.

Divergent tells the story of Tris, a girl who has grown up in what used to be Chicago. Life is far different now though. Society is based on factions, groups that have been formed so that those who value certain virtues most (Truth, Peace, selflessness, knowledge, and bravery) can give their best to society through the strict application of whatever virtue, and therefore faction, they choose. They make this choice at the age of 16. The main point of the story is to describe Tris's experiences as she goes through the initiation of Dauntless (the faction that values bravery)her chosen faction. At the end of the book, Erudite (the faction that values knowledge) starts a war by controlling the minds of the dauntless and attacking Abnegation (the faction that values selflessness).

Book 2, Insurgent, continues the path of this conflict, and brings us to a shaky resolution because the group that wins the war winds up being just as tyrannical as the group that was killing everyone. However, we do find out that there is a world outside of their city, and the reason that they're all trying to kill each other is because they are afraid of what is outside the fence around their city. At this point, I figured book 3 would focus mostly on getting out of the city and dealing with the tyrant that's running it. Then I read it.

At the start Allegiant, the story moves fairly slowly. The main characters and their friends are on their way out of the city, but that happens fairly early on. From that point forward, the conflict inside the city is more of a side plot than the focus of the story. Veronica Roth takes us into another world entirely; one where people who are deemed "genetically damaged," due to an experiment centuries ago that went wrong, are being mistreated and suppressed by the "genetically pure" (sound familiar anyone?). The reason that the city exists is because the government is trying to fix the "genetic damage" it caused, and is doing so by way of certain experiments. Upon discovery of this, Tris and her friends decide to stop them, resulting in Tris's death.

Now that you have the background, I want to stop and analyze this a bit (told you it gave me more than I bargained for :P)

The story begins with Tris as the narrator. It ends with her boyfriend, Tobias (or Four as he is often called), narrating. I think the point here is to show you that even though Tris is the one who does most of the story telling, it really Four's story. With that in mind, to look at it from the beginning, you can see that Four is really the one who who has the most character development.

Tris starts out as a quiet girl from Abnegation, but quickly shows that she belongs in Dauntless. Once she begins to trust herself, her character doesn't develop a whole lot more. In Insurgent it becomes obvious that she falls apart, because she is dealing with the death of her parents, and being responsible for the death of one of her friends. Four helps to pull her out of that, but only partially. It isn't until she is facing death herself that she is able to realize that life can continue for her. No one helps her to see that but herself.

However, Tris is constantly the one helping Four throughout the story to become a better person. She helps him to face his fears, and at one point is told how much better he is with her, than without her. She challenges him, makes him better. In Allegiant, he learns that Tris is supposedly one of the genetically pure, but contrary to what he thought, he is not. This sends him into a tailspin for a while because the one good thing he thought of himself has now been taken from him. It is Tris who helps him to see otherwise, that the "damage" or "purity" of their genetics doesn't matter, he's still Four, and she still loves him.

When I read about Tris's death, initially I was outraged. How could she die from a bullet, after everything else that she had survived? But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Allegiant is written mostly from an alternating perspective, switching between Tris and Four almost every other chapter. As the story progresses, their voices blend together, and it becomes difficult to remember who is narrating this part of the story. While this might be seen as a negative thing, I think this was done on purpose. Roth wanted to show that Tris and Four were becoming one person. They thought the same, acted the same, and felt the same. Without this alternating perspective, it would have been difficult to determine this. This is one of the reasons that Tris had to die. She and Four were no longer separate entities, sharpening each other. Instead, they had begun to absorb one another. While this might not be a bad thing over all, given their characters, they needed a defining moment to give them the push to become better people. For Tris, it was in death. She was able to be not only re-united with her parents and her friends, but to do so in a way that honored her family, and ultimately, her character. For Four, Tris' death allowed him to see himself as strong, not just with her, but take what she had given him, and be strong without her. Had she not died, his character would not have fully developed.

The other reason for her death, I think, is that her character required a "somewhat" heroic ending. She was the only one who could have carried out the final mission successfully, and her death brought her a justified peace.  For Tris it was better to die in the height of glory, than to live to see herself in decline. For her, life after the end of the war would have been nothing but decline. She would not have had a place in it. Just like Tolkien sends Frodo across the sea with the Elves, Roth gives Tris the most glorious exit possible. She allows her to die the hero.

Sunday cooking

I got a lot of cooking done today :)

New try-Bacon wrapped fish with pesto. It really is quite easy. I made the avocado pesto that is absolutely delicious, and completely something I can have, then just put some on one side of the tillapia, and wrapped two slices of turkey bacon around it. The recipe I found said to fry one side, then flip them and put the pan in the oven. Since I don't have an oven safe frying pan, I just put them in a glass baking dish. I imagine they might have turned out slightly better if left in the pan, because the baked side didn't turn out nearly as pretty as the fried side, but they should still taste great!

Aren't they pretty?

In addition to that, I made gluten free, egg free, turkey meatballs. They taste delicious, and again, no forbidden ingredients! Sadly, I don't have a picture of what they look like, because I put them in the crock pot to add meat to my boiled dinner before I thought about taking one, but they do look and taste amazing! I tweaked the recipe some, because I left out the arugula, and didn't cook them in tomato sauce at all, but the results were delightful! :) They were pretty east to make too, so I'm pretty sure I'll be making them again :).

Experimental success

Finally an experiment with coconut flour that worked! (Aside from the carob chip cookies that is. Those worked perfect :D) I've been trying to come up with something I can eat for breakfast that consists of more than fruit and turkey bacon. The past couple of weeks, I've tried a derivative of either waffles or pancakes, but since all the recipes I've found require eggs, and substituting bananas or applesauce just didn't seem to cut it, all I wound up with was basically a mess, and wasted (very expensive) ingredients. Then I realized, the coconut flour eggless recipe for cookies tells has me bake them. So maybe baking something is the answer. Introducing banana bread. It doesn't taste quite like normal banana bread, and it is far more dense, but it worked! It hold together, and I can eat it in slices like you're supposed to! :D The recipe is below. I tweaked the one I found online a little bit, so this is the tweaked version. You can find the original here (if you can eat rice flour, I'm sure it turns out a little better than mine did.)

Just over 1/2 tsp powdered stevia  (or 3/4 cup sugar)

1/2 cup olive oil

2 eggs, or an extra banana (I used the extra banana)

4 mashed bananas (so technically 5 bananas total if you use the extra banana instead of the eggs)

1/4 cup (roughly, I stopped measuring after I added 2 Tbsp, and just added more as I thought it needed it)

1 tsp baking powder

3/4 cup coconut flour

Pre-heat oven to 350, cook for 40 minutes. And there you go!

 It doesn't rise at all, and it's very thick, like dough you would roll, instead of batter, so I just pressed it into my loaf pan. Basically, once it's in the pan, that's the amount of bread you're going to get. It also has sort of a slightly uncooked, doughy texture even after it's done cooking, but believe me, if you leave it in until the middle seems all the way cooked, it's going to be seriously burnt on the outside.

Head and heart

I'm an Orange/Blue. I like people, I'm "free spirited," I do things without a plan, usually whenever I want to. I'm slightly hairbrained, I'm ADD, but I'm responsible. And lately I've been frustrated. I read a book a couple of years ago called "Girl meets God." It's the story of a woman who was raised Jewish and how she came to know Christ, but mostly it chronicles how in the span of one year she reconciled her jewish upbringing with her Anglican beliefs.

This was the book that made me start to consider whether or not I should continue going to an evangelical church, what I was raised with, or try something more traditional, like an anglican church. My brother and sister, and their spouses/children are anglican, so in my mind it wasn't a huge leap for me to make the transition. I hemmed and hawed for about a year before I finally made up my mind to go. I went first to a mid week service, met the priest, and really liked what I saw. His background was exactly what I needed if I was actually going to make the transition. He was raised baptist, became a Presbyterian pastor, and finally an Anglican priest. He knew exactly what I was struggling with, and because of that was able to answer my questions in, I felt, a more satisfactory way than someone else might have been. So I switched churches. This one was so much closer anyway, it was just a lot easier to go on a sunday morning. And I liked the constant switching of activities that takes place during the service. Stand and sing, then kneel to pray, then sit during the sermon, then kneel, stand, kneel. It held my attention better than most baptist services because I didn't have to stay focused for more than 30 min on any one thing.

Then I moved, my work schedule changed, and the novelty wore off. It didn't take long for me to skip church just as often here as I did with the baptist church. It was farther, my work had me awake all night long, and I just didn't feel like I was connecting with the scripted material. My job has changed again, but I still find it hard to get up and go on a Sunday morning. I miss the rousing praise and worship lyrics, and I miss feeling like I am making a personal connection with God on a Sunday.

Despite what I miss, there are very real reasons for not switching back. I found growing up that the baptist church gave me little more advice for getting through hard times than "do your devotions" or "if you're struggling spiritually right now, it's because you're not really living out your faith" or "if God feels distant, it's your fault for not spending enough time with him." "In order to really worship God during the worship service you need to really MEAN the words you are saying." In addition to that, there was always the issue with mega churches being more concerned with making the service "culturally relevant" or giving sermons like "3 ways to read your Bible better" or "7 steps to having a healthy relationship with God." Don't get me wrong, I like self-help books. I do find them mostly helpful, but I don't think the Bible should be treated like one. In an effort to connect with people, I feel like the evangelical church has largely dismissed the fact that the Bible is all we really need. It's decided that since we are losing young people, we need to do something to fix it ourselves.

There's nothing wrong with updating the music, or trying to connect with people, but there is when it is done so at the expense of what the Bible really has to say. We are losing people to science and education because when they grow up and experience the "real world" they have no solid foundation to stand on. When we treat the Bible like a self-help book, it's no wonder people toss it aside like the latest edition of the "Purpose Driven Life" after reading it once or twice.

So you can see where the frustration comes from. I feel like I'm limbo between two, mostly, unappealing choices. Each for its own reasons, but neither one really drawing me there. The worst part of it is that I'm not sure going to one or the other will really fix the problem. I've tried, for several months now, and neither one is really attractive to me. So what I wonder is how to fix the problem? If it was a simple matter of deciding which one I agree with theologically, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I could spend some time and wrestle it out with my Bible. But it's more than that. It's not my head I'm frustrated with, it's my heart and my emotions. And I don't know how to reconcile the two.

Elimination diet take 2

So, remember that elimination diet I was supposed to be on in December to help me test for food allergies? Well, with all of the holiday stuff, it just didn't happen. Now here we are in January and I am a week in to my second attempt. It's not easy. Especially the first few days, I was practically starving. I didn't follow it as strictly as I should have due to the extreme hunger that eating only fish or lamb or turkey and vegetables leaves you with. However, I do feel like I'm starting to kind of figure out how to make this work. And I've begun to notice a difference.

For the first time since I can remember, getting only 6 hours of sleep is not a death sentence. I mean, yes I still sleep for 12 hours if I don't set an alarm, but getting up with the alarm is not as much of a struggle as it usually is. I have more energy in the morning, and am still mostly able to keep going at the end of the day. The gym is more enjoyable, and I have more motivation to get things done than I have in a really long time. If feeling like a normal person is the result I get, then this is totally worth it. The only other time I ever remember feeling not tired on a regular basis was when Dr. Stillings gave me those vitamins. But they made me sick, so it really wasn't worth it to keep taking them. I have three more weeks on the restricted diet, and we'll see what happens after that. Hopefully the results will be in my favor. For now, I'm just glad that I am feeling better. :)