The Realization of Curiosity

Life, faith, science, right, wrong, good, bad, truth, lies, all of these topics require a necessary curiosity in order to accurately determine where you stand. I remember as a child, always asking questions, wanting to know what others thought, wanting to know WHY. But as I grew up, the curiosity gave way to the belief that only the immature, only those who don't know themselves or what they believe, really ask questions; that if you want to be respected, you have to be the one with the answers. So I stopped asking, and started answering, based on what I knew. That knowledge was, and still is, I think, fairly limited. But I couldn't ask too many questions, what if someone questioned my motives? What if someone doubted that I really believed? In a conservative Christian community, having someone believe that it might be possible that I was struggling at all with what I was taught was the worst possible thing, in my mind. If questions led to another person's doubt of where I stood, then it was my job to figure it out on my own. I needed to make sure that I was "always ready with a defense for the hope that was in me" (1 Peter 3:15). Raised the way I was, with an AWANA background, church every Sunday, and Parents who were once on staff with Crusade, doubt wasn't an option, and in my mind, not having the answers equaled doubt.

I'm not sure when the shift occurred. I know it began sometime during college, when I began to realize that no matter how important it was to have all the answers, that was just not a position I was in. A good friend of mine decided that Science made more sense to her than what she had been taught in school. Other friends shared their beliefs that evolution and the Bible could co-exist, that there was no reason why the current scientific explanation for everything could not also align with the Bible. I had no clue one way or the other. In addition to that, I was constantly reminded that my knowledge of scriptures throughout the Bible was not sufficient to answer questions that were raised from a specific book. If Paul is writing to the Romans, and his writing raises a question, that question needs to be answerable by Romans, because the Romans certainly didn't have access to the letter that Paul wrote to the Corinthians. In other words, I came face to face with just how inadequate my knowledge was. Thus I was forced to ask questions again.

Unfortunately, I did not have much interest in asking questions. It is far more fun to have all the answers. I was out of practice, and exhausted from working 3 jobs. Besides, these were not MY questions. They were questions that were raised by others, my friend who turned to science being the most notable. The funny thing is though, that while I did not have the means to answer her questions, I didn't have the desire to gain the knowledge that would allow me to do so. In other words, I was more concerned about graduating with a piece of paper, than making use of the opportunity that my education provided me. So I focused on life, and refused to allow any questions, let alone any doubts, wiggle their way into my conscience. The problem with this is that eventually such questions do make their way to the forefront of your mind. Those things that were once brushed off as simply another person's misgivings become your own uncertainties, and your lack of knowledge is no longer so easily brushed aside.

When it comes down to it, eventually I had to face the fact that my lack of knowledge on any given subject was my own fault. I regret that I spent so much of my college career focusing on work, and so little of it on my actual education. I did my work, yes, but never to the best of my ability. I asked questions because I was required to, but hardly ever let any of my own curiosity leak into what I was studying. Torrey taught me to not only ask questions, but to look at things from all perspectives. I didn't take advantage of it at the time, but I at least managed to graduate with the ability to do so now, and an understanding of the importance of doing so.

Life, faith, science, right, wrong, good, bad, truth, lies, I know I don't have all the answers, in fact, I have almost none of them, but I am starting to ask the questions. For the first time, I am starting to ask MY questions, instead of attempting to pass on someone else's curiosity. At least it's a place to start from. Who knows where it will lead me? But at least this time around I am a willing student.