Belonging

I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I lived in a place where no one understood me. I went through the motions of growing up, and trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I fought to change who I was in order to try and make people like me better. Then, upon graduating from college, I said "enough! I'm gonna do what I want to do." So I packed up and moved myself to Texas. It was a desperate bid on my part to find an adventure, and also to move to a location where I had heard there were people who acted more like me. Little did I know that this was more true than I could have ever imagined. God blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings with a group of young adults that not only loved me for who I was, but who also challenged me in my faith in a way that no one else ever had.

Then I got married, and moved to North Carolina. I thought maybe I had learned enough in Texas, that I was strong enough from the healing it had provided me. I was wrong. Shortly after moving here, my anxiety attacks, which I had experienced a little bit of in California, returned with a vengeance. It was enough to warrant medication. I have since struggled to find my place in this new land, without much luck. I struggle on a daily basis to live in the here and now, instead of in the past. In a way, it has been worse than California was, because at least before I didn't know what life could look like when you feel like you have a place where you belong.

However, God is good. I do have one friend, and Marc and I have been attending a good church. But I honestly think that maybe God did all of this on purpose. I have a hard time turning to him when my life is good. When I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to, I turn to Him. I know I should anyway, but when life is easy, it's hard to remember to do so. Anyway, I feel like if I can learn my lesson, maybe God will stop trying to teach it to me. Maybe I can finally learn something the easy way. Maybe, if I can continue to rely on God when life is good and I feel like I belong, I won't be put in situations where I feel like such an alien. God help me.