Relationships and spiritual growth

After finishing "Decision Making and the Will of God" I decided to read another book called "How People Grow" by Drs. John Townsend, and Henry Cloud. I haven't finished it yet, but so far the major theme seems to be that people don't grow without other people in their life to help them along the way. I think this is great practical advice. They also stress the aspect that prayer has, and while I fully believe in the power of prayer, they do take what seems to be a more "name it and claim it" approach, (Not in the "pray for a million dollars and God will give it to you" kind of way, but definitely in the "God promises He will answer, so whatever you pray for he will give you" kind of way) but that's not really the point.

I love that they say to get yourself involved with people. It's along the same lines of the messages the past few weeks at Bible study (what friendship looks like, and what an imbalanced relationship looks like). Basically, making sure that you have all of the right kinds of people in your life.

The hardest part about all of this, though, is that connecting with people is the thing I have the hardest time with. It makes sense that it is through your relationships that God causes you to grow,but that does make the process a lot more difficult for me :P

When you read, you learn :)

My apologies on the absent posts the last few days. I was in CA for the weekend for my friend's wedding, and the following activities kind of precluded internet time :).

I recently finished the book "Decision Making and the Will of God" by Gary Friesan. In short, it was an amazing book that taught me a lot of things I didn't know before, put old truths in a new perspective, and generally made me look differently at how I make decisions. (I discussed this a little bit here, but just so you get a better idea of what the book is talking about, I figured I would go into some more detail.)

For example, the whole premise of the book is that the traditional viewpoint of Christian decision making is cumbersome at best, and stress inducing at worst. This viewpoint is taught, or in some cases simply learned, in a few different ways. For Christians that are raised in a Christian home, they are given the example of their parents. Children will see their parents pray to God for guidance, and watch while they wait for an answer. When the parents believe they have the answer, then act upon it. In discussions afterwards, the conversation might center around the child's attempt to understand what the parent was doing, and the parents responding that they were obeying God by asking Him what He wanted them to do. When they found out the precise action that God wanted them to take, they did it, no questions asked, because God told them to, and to do otherwise would be disobedience.

Another way that the traditional view might be learned is through the intentional teachings of a church. When a young Christian goes to a church ,and hears a sermon on the will of God, he might learn that God has a perfect plan for your life, and that it is all encompassing. He then learns that the way to discover this plan is to pray and ask God for direction in every decision that He makes. God will be faithful, and provide the answer.

Sometimes, this belief is learned simply through a misunderstanding of what is being taught, or the lack of questions on the student's part. However it is learned, though, the result is that the believer determines that he cannot make a decision without specifically hearing God's voice, however that may impress itself, and once the voice of God is heard, there are no other choices. There is only one right choice, and to choose otherwise is to be outside of God's will.

One of the major problems that arise with this kind of decision making format, however, is that if it is to be used, it must be used in EVERY decision a person makes. From putting on your shoes in the morning, to what you will eat for dinner, to whether or not you should go on that date, the traditional view says God has a specific choice appointed for every believer, and if you don't pick his way, then you are not allowing Him to guide your life, and you won't be as happy.

Another problem with it is the anxiety that it produces. If you must know exactly what choice God wants you to make in order to be happy, then the time spent on finding the answer to that question is going to be enormous. Especially when you don't receive a clear answer.

On the flip side, however, is what the book calls the way of wisdom. This means that time is spent becoming wise, by reading your Bible, and talking with God, and studying. Then, based on the truths you have learned, you make the decision that you believe to be most spiritually expedient. (I realize the phrase spiritually expedient is rather vague. Basically, it just means that whatever you think will allow you to serve God most advantageously) Basing a decision on what is spiritually expedient, rather than on what God wants you to do specifically, is rather freeing. It allows you to make decisions without having to worry about making the wrong one. As long as you are within the moral guidelines set out in the Bible, no matter what your decision is, it is the right one.

There are choices you can make that would be less desirable, or less spiritually expedient, than others (such as marrying a person you don't know) but you have not sinned in making these choices, because they are within the area of freedom given to believers. However, while this may seem like it turns decision making into an enormous task, the truth is that God has given you gifts and desires that will help you to know what the most spiritually expedient decision to make.

For example, God has given me a desire to work with the Deaf, a gift for learning their language, and a heart for missions. While this does not mean that if I continue to work at a swimming pool all of my life I am outside of God's will, and therefore sinning, it does mean that the best way for me to serve God is through missions to the Deaf. It also means that I will find the greatest pleasure in this kind of work, as opposed to any other kind of job I might take.

Now, the best part about all of this? I don't have to worry about making the wrong choice, or not having enough faith in God. It's ok that I'm not on the mission field right now. It's ok for me to postpone that part of my life, because doing so is not disobedience. I can use my gifts to serve God in other ways right now, and I don't have to feel guilty about not following God's will. I have the freedom to choose how I will use my gifts to serve God, and even though in the long run I want to do Bible translation, I am not outside of God's will by not pursuing it wholeheartedly right now.

And yet another...

...Decision. When a decision was made that places you in financial trouble, and you have been working really hard to get yourself out of it, and praying that God would provide the way out, what do you do when you might actually have that opportunity? I haven't officially been offered the job yet, but so far the interviews seem to be going well, and it's a slightly higher pay grade than what other jobs have been offering. Problem is, it's in Arizona.

See, when I chose to move to Texas, I was excited because I CHOSE to go there. I didn't have to go. The job here wasn't gonna pay me more, or really provide for me more than what I had in CA, but it gave me an opportunity to do what I wanted, which was to live in Texas. To move to Arizona would be out of necessity. I would be going from where I want to stay, to where I feel I should go. I hate making decisions based on that.

I have an interview there on Monday, and we'll see how it goes, but such a choice feels almost like a last resort. Like I wasn't able to find anything else, so I'm taking what I can get. And I would be moving away from here. As short a time as its been, I love it here, and I don't want to go anywhere else. Plain and simple. If I really feel like I have no other options, then I'll do it, but having to make the decision in three weeks doesn't give me much time to find out if I have other options. :P

Decisions, decisions

Due to the recommendation of a friend, I recently began reading a book titled "Decision Making and the will of God." This book presents two different ideas of God's will. One is the traditional method, that teaches that God has a specific individual will for every believer, that encompasses every decision they will ever make. The other is the wisdom method, which says that God has two wills, a sovereign will and a moral will. Further, it says that God's sovereign will is secret, so we will never know what it is, but the moral will is completely revealed to us through the Bible. I like this because it takes the stress out of which decisions to make. As long as I am within God's moral will, I can make whatever decision I want to.

This also means that, in most cases, there is no direct revelation from God, concerning choices that do not conflict with His moral will (obviously, there are certain times where God does supernaturally intervene and tell someone to do one thing or another). This being the case (and the book provides a really sound argument for why a specific will for every believer is not actually biblical) then what I took as "God's voice" four years ago, telling me to go to Biola, wasn't God, it was me. That is very hard for me to swallow.

See, as long as I could believe that God had told me to change schools, I could justify the amount of money spent, that I didn't have. I took the voice in my head, that was seemingly out of the blue, and offering an idea completely contrary to what I had previously ever considered, as God telling me to do it. Then, I took the manner of my acceptance into Torrey as confirmation of that.

I learned later that Dr. Reynolds apparently has a certain amount of veto power over decisions made about acceptance, and that I was one of  the ones whose rejection got overridden. That left me with the random voice, and the fact that to have a rejection simply reversed still is a really rare occurrence. Now, however, I wonder if I read it that way because I wanted to read it that way. The several times that I prayed about staying or transferring somewhere else, I always felt like that voice in my head was God telling me to stay. The responses seemed to line up with what I knew of Him from scripture, so I listened, and I stayed.

Now, four years later, and 90,000 in debt, God has not miraculously provided a way for me to pay that debt back. I haven't even been able to land a decent job that would take care of that the normal way. I have prayed for God to help me get out of the hole I'm in, but so far, I haven't really gotten much direction. So, I keep applying, and keep praying. And maybe God will intervene and help me get things paid off, because while I appreciate the education I have, when education is all you've got, there aren't a whole lot of options available.

Excitement

Thought I would give you a happy post, since the past few have bordered on depressing :P.

In three days, I will be on a plane, headed for California. The reason is my friend's wedding. But the excitement is caused by many different things. I get to see Marc, my friend is getting married (which is cause enough for excitement), I get to see my friends that I haven't seen for the past two months, and I get some time off work. As much as I like working at a pool, working 9 hour days most of the week is quite tiring, so the vacation will be nice, even though there won't be a WHOLE lot of relaxing going on :) All in all, I'm pretty excited about it :)

Satanic Attack, and relationships

I'm finding that the one area that Satan likes to attack me in the most, is the one regarding my relationships with other people. It doesn't matter who it is, if there's some way that he can make me feel like I'm being abandoned, forgotten, or rejected by someone, he will do it. It doesn't take but one tiny little doubt in my mind about any given situation, for my mind to immediately decide that they have rejected me. Even if there has been no reason from our relationship in the past to suggest that that's the case, that is the first thing that he sends my way. It is especially hard when there's been a history of a rocky relationship, but that history doesn't have to be there. Any suggestion of it, and my first thought is "well, I guess we weren't as good of friends as I thought." This is not right. People are not trying to hurt me, and I'm tired of living my life with the fear that they are.

Part of me says that this can be changed by deciding that I don't care. In essence, to stop fighting for certain relationships. To let them go. There comes a point when I can't be the only one putting energy into it, and if the result is going to leave me feeling forgotten about, then there's no point.

God, give me the wisdom to know what to do with the relationships I have in my life. Show me which ones I should keep, and which ones need to be released. Show if they should be released. I don't think anyone deserves to be told that they aren't good enough to be my friend, but that's the only way I know to prevent myself from caring. Because if I retain contact, I will continue to put forth the energy.

Out of Options, but not without hope

When it seems like you are out of options, what do you do? You pray. When it seems like everywhere you turn, is another dead end, what do you do? You pray. When all else fails, God will provide the way. Even if I don't see it right now, He has the answer. Even if I am ready to give up in frustration, He will give me the strength to continue. Before all else fails, turn to God, and He will show you the one way that won't fail. And as an added bonus, when no one will give you the experience you need, create your own :). And you know what? God will show me how to do that too. :)

Trying to trust

As humans, we often dig ourselves into holes. Sometimes these holes are dug with the best intentions, and some times, they simply dug out of our inability to trust in the first place. Trust who? Trust God. In my case, I have dug myself a very deep hole of debt. It was done with the best of intentions, and even because I believed I was doing what God wanted of me. But now, I'm having a hard time seeing my way out of it. I was doing well for a while, and am still not doing badly, but that is given my current circumstances. Currently, I am living quite cheaply.

But this job ceases to be providential come the middle of August. In the middle of August, I will have to find something to supplement it, because it will go from offering me 40 hours/week, to offering me 24, at the most. So my job hunt begins again. And as I hit wall after wall (thousands of job postings, very of which I actually qualify for) I become more and more frustrated. They want experience, they want a higher degree, or a different degree. Whatever the reason, I don't have the means to make myself marketable to them. The few jobs that I do qualify for don't pay enough.

I know that God has a plan in all of this. I know that I will learn from it, that it will cause me to grow. I know this in my head, but getting myself to believe it is not the easiest of tasks. God, thankfully gently instead of using the 2x4 he has been lately, reminded me today to pray about it. So I have been. But it's so easy to worry about how it will all get paid for. Lord help me to trust that you will provide for me.

A week's worth of posts

Hey everyone,
I just realized that it has been a whole week since I posted last. My apologies. Unfortunately, I don't have enough content, or the time really, to write seven posts for you today, so one long-ish post will have to suffice.

This past week has been difficult. It has been fun, and busy, and crazy, and a lot of other things, but mostly, it has just been plain hard. I've had late nights trying to finish up projects for people, and crazy days at work, where everything that can go wrong seems to. I've been dealing with the drama that goes on because two of my roommates don't like the other two. I've gone to bed early, and still awake absolutely exhausted, and with seemingly no ability to handle the world that day. Right now, I'm feeling the most fed up with everything about work as I possibly can be, because honestly, I just don't want to deal with people anymore. I want to have my own apartment, but know that's not a good idea, because while housing isn't bad out here, and as of right now I'm not too opposed to signing a year lease, I would be lucky if my current guaranteed income covered my housing as well as my student loans. In other words, it's most financially smart for me to continue living here. At least for a while anyway. And yet.

And yet God has provided. I was able to talk with a friend over skype on Sunday afternoon, I got the projects done, I've had some alone time, simply because I've been able to sleep when I normally would be awake. I have been to two Once Upon A Time Marathons, been out to lunch with friends, went to Tuesday night Bible study, had a really conversation after the fact, and generally feel like I fit here.

My frustration with work will pass. while the living situation will probably get worse before it gets better (another girl is moving in on June 25th) it will not be forever because all of them will be gone by the beginning of September. I can take off for the day in order to be alone, and have for the most part. As the summer progresses, the kinks that cause problems at the park will be worked out. Eventually, if I stay, I will have my own place. It's just dealing with everything right now. But He is faithful. He has not given me more than I can bear, and is continuing to give me the strength to make it through each day. And besides, I only have one more week before I get to go visit California :)

What I want

I want the best friend that I never had. I want the person who will call me up and say "I don't care that you're too tired, we're going out." I want the friend that randomly posts on my facebook page about how much they miss me. I want to know that I am not forgotten. I want to not be the only one putting effort into a friendship. I want someone to reach out to me. To not look at me as the one with all the answers. I want to be the one who has the luxury of falling apart once in a while. It's exhausting to hold it together all the time. I want to be able to say "screw it." I want to know that I am loved, by more than just my family. I want to feel like I belong. I want to feel like my life has a purpose. I want to be told that it's ok to not have all the answers all the time. I want to be told that it's ok to make mistakes. I want someone to call me out on my crap, in love, instead of always commiserating with me. But most of all, I want to be at peace.

Learning to live in the valleys

Today I felt like God was trying to tell me something. Because I am enjoying it here so much, I am having a hard time coming to terms with the thought of going home at the end of the summer. And I don't have to. I'm not even completely sure that that's what God is telling me to do. I do feel confident in the fact that it will be a life changing decision, one way or the other, but don't feel like there is specific direction for me one way or the other. The results of the decision will be big, but I feel like how ever it plays out in the end, God will bring about the same work in my life.

The thing is, I like it here in large part because it feels like I am at summer camp again. Yes, I am working hard, and still living life, but I have been separated from everything that was a spiritual distraction to me in California. I feel like I have been given space to really hear God's voice, out here in this quiet town in Texas. Much like camp, I feel like I have learned a lot in a very short amount of time, and like camp, am in close communion with other Christians in a way that didn't happen in California. Unlike camp, I don't have to leave. This could be my life for the foreseeable future, if I so choose, and the pull to that is immensely strong.

But I also feel like, like camp, that I have not been called to spend my life secluded and in communion only with other strong believers. It is my calling as a Christian to live among those who need Christ. It is my calling as a Christian to be a witness to the fallen. I can't do that if I live my life among those who are already strong, growing Christians. It is good for me to be in fellowship with them, because we need to support each other, but I can't spend my life there. It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

How long is long enough for me to experience my spiritual jumpstart, before it is time to go back to the rest of the world? Just like you can't spend your life on the spiritual high you receive at summer camp, I feel like I can't spend my life on the spiritual high I am receiving here. The question is, will it always be a spiritual high? Or can it become real life too? Do I have to go back to California in order to get off the mountain and live life in the real world again, or is that possible here? I don't think I'll spend the rest of my life here, but even an extended period of time can have far reaching results. So which do I choose?

conviction

In my devotions today, the topic was Jonah. I've been struggling a lot the last few weeks since I decided to go home at the end of the summer, because honestly, I like it here. A lot. The main argument I've had for staying put is that when I felt like God was telling me to go to Biola, I did, and I regretted it. I never felt as comfortable there as I did at CSUN, and the whole time, I wanted to go back. So now, when I feel like God is leaving the choice up to me, it's really hard to see myself moving back.

Then comes this mornings devotions. Now, while I obviously did what God wanted me to do and transferred, I was only being obedient on the outside. On the inside, I was still rebelling and longing for what I once had, rather than being grateful for I had at the moment. Jonah did eventually obey God and go to Ninevah, but only after he was swallowed by a whale. And even once he did that, he was pissed off that the people repented, and were spared.

This tells me something. Mostly, that outward obedience is not enough. God wants our hearts, as well as our hands, and if we are to get the full fruit of His plan for our lives, we have to do everything with this in mind. The actions of obedience are not enough, if we are not obeying in our hearts as well. Lord forgive me for not obeying in my heart, and help me to see the good that you have planned for me when I go back home.

Old Friends

Got to spend today with a friend that I hadn't seen since I was in Jr. High. It was a lot of fun. It's interesting how things change the older you get. We weren't very close in Jr. High, I'm looking forward to getting to spend more time with her again. Because it had been so long, there was some "catching up" that we did, but a lot of what we talked about was what was going on in our lives now, rather than what had happened over the last ten years. It was quite a good experience, and one that I'm looking forward to repeating :)

Breaking bad habits

I think the hardest part about this challenge I've given myself to get up at 7 is the fact that I have gotten into the immensely bad habit of waking up, and turning my alarm off; in fact, that's what happened this morning. :(  It's so easy to let my desire to sleep more determine my actions for the morning. It feels GOOD to go back to sleep. In fact, hearing the alarm go off, and knowing I can re-set it and go back to sleep is one of the best feelings in the world, especially when I can do it without ditching anything that morning, so there's no feeling of guilt to go along with it.

The problem is that I am ditching something. I'm ditching my time with God. I have determined that sleep is more important to me than getting up spending time with the single most important being in my life. Even if all I have planned is praise songs to listen to, I would still be spending that time with God, in worship of Him.

It's so easy to make myself believe that He doesn't really care. But he must, or I wouldn't have such a desire to fight this. I have determined in the past that my commitments to work or school (but work was always a stronger encouragement to get up than school was) are important enough for me to drag myself out of bed. After all, I need the money, it looks bad if I get fired for sleeping through my shift, I can't call in because there's no one else to cover for me, etc etc etc. But relationships never have had this pull on me. If I had something scheduled for the early morning, a hang out with a friend, most of the time I would get up for it, but every now and then I would decide that I was just too tired. But I wasn't, not really. I just wanted to sleep more. I didn't have the energy, or the willpower, or whatever, to pull myself out of bed. It wasn't worth it enough for me to do that, except when the activity planned was something that I was REALLY looking forward to (like an early morning hike, or an off roading trip, and even rock climbing). What bothers me is that sleep almost always has first priority in my life, and that's not right. I miss out on too much of life. It's time to stop letting the amount of sleep I get determine how stressed I am throughout the day, and it's time to stop letting sleep be my number one desire. Lord Help me.

On Spiritual Formation

I know I've talked a lot recently about feeling like I'm being hit with a spiritual 2x4. But with that is also a feeling of "it's not enough" It's not enough for me to hear the words that are being said, feel like I'm told to change, then decide that I'm too tired to do anything about it. There are a lot of aspects to Spiritual Formation, and being shown your deficiencies is definitely part of it, but that's not all of it. I know that it is not enough to simply hear, and if all I do is hear, then forget it, I'm not really listening. That needs to change. I need to turn to God and in his power, make an actual difference in my life, because if I don't, then everything that I've experienced will have been for nothing.