around and around and around...

In high school, if someone pissed me off enough, I got super mad and completely wrote them off. I lost a few friends this way, but once I was that mad, I didn't care anymore. Enough was enough and I was done. Now, for some reason, I'm finding that I am doing the opposite. While I'm not in very much contact with certain people, I'm finding it difficult to completely write them off. I take it, and take it and take it, and for some reason all I can think of is where they are coming from, and why they are doing what they are doing, and instead of letting go, and moving on with my life, I'm holding on, and to someone who doesn't even want me to, at least not at this point. I almost wish for the bitterness and anger because at least then I wouldn't continue to hope for things to get better. I seem to be stuck in the extremes. Either I've blown my top and want nothing to do with you, or I'm a doormat who won't stop making excuses for you. I want the middle ground :(.

Good Friday

"But He was wounded for our transgressions, he waqs bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and by his stripes, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

I went to Calvary's Good Friday service tonight, and while I was there, I had a thought hit me. How often do we take for granted just how monumental Christs's death was? How often do we say, almost flippantly, that of course God loves us, Jesus died for us. Stop and think about that for a second. Jesus DIED for us. He didn't just die, He endured torture, the worst kind of torture, so that we, worthless sinners that we are, could live with Him forever. The pain that He endured was unspeakable, and yet even though he did not want to go through with it, even though he asked that the cup might pass from him, he still said, in humble submission to God's will, "not my will, but yours be done."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that while Jesus was willing to die for me, I am not very often willing to live for Him. In my human fallen-ness, I trust myself more than I trust him. My lack of faith is pitiful given what he did for me. He does not ask for much, just that I trust in him. His yoke is light and easy to bear, yet so often I discard it for the heavier burden of trusting myself.

God, forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me Lord, to trust in you, for that is truly a life well lived. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you, rather than on the turmoil of the waves around me. Truly did Jesus say "Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" Lord I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

frustrations leading to determination

I seem to have the problem of not being satisfied with my life, but not knowing what I need to do in order to be satisfied with it. This dissatisfaction seems to be coming from the belief that I am doing nothing with my life. I look at my friends, and yes, I compare myself to them. Either they are in relationships that are leading to marriage, or they have a pretty clearly defined goal for their education, but any way I look at it, I feel stuck. I don't like my major, I wish I had picked something else that would have been more beneficial job wise. I dislike both of my paid jobs because all either one does is stress me out and make me afraid that I'm going to get fired. I like my internship, but don't know how beneficial it will be long term. (I can see the possibilities of the benefits long term, but there is no guarantee that it will work out according to it's possibilities).

Then I realized something. My greatest desire is to use my ASL training as a ministry to deaf people. What is stopping me from doing that right now? I have a church that is suing me as an interpreter, and have heard the other leaders say many times that they wish they were taking sign language classes so they could have basic communication with the girl I interpret for. A few weeks ago, I had a couple of little girls ask me how to say things in sign so they could talk to her and ask her to be friends. The other day, a friend of mine asked me to consider teaching her some sign so she could use it at church (she decided to go to the community college for it instead because she'll get a better education from them, but still). All of this has made me realize that there is no reason why I can't start a deaf ministry at my church. I am a member now, and as basic as it was, the class I took at Immanuel in high school was a lot of fun, and really helpful. So why not? (I also just e-mailed one of the Biola professors about maybe getting a deaf ministry started on campus.) I can live my dream right now, without waiting for further training, because I'm not getting paid for this. Something is better than nothing, and I think I can pull it off.

Focusing on the positive

The good things:
I like my new roommate, as least so far :)
I'll be working with Lauren on Saturdays at Ivy
I got accepted to the Metatorrey :D
I am doing a paper project this semester, instead of the paper
I get to watch movies as part of my Torrey notes
I like my church
I have at least two friends now at school, one of which I have lunch with on a
weekly basis
I have friends at church, one of which I sit with during the first service so I
don't have to sit by myself, and who I also have lunch with on a weekly basis
I have plenty of jobs, so all the bills get paid
I like my internship
I have a car that gets good gas mileage so I can do all the driving I need to, and
sometimes a little bit more

God is good, God is good, God is good.

Conversations with God

Over the past few years, I have noticed that when I pray, the answer usually comes immediately in the form of a voice inside my head. It actually started when I was at CSUN, when it told me to transfer to Biola. Since then I have heard it tell me to stay at Biola, even though I didn't want to, to pursue Gallaudet and ASL, to not quit working at the YMCA, to not pursue a job at Disneyland, and whacked me upside the head for trying to go somewhere else to pursue God instead of using what he had provided me with already. Today, I argued with this voice, because it was not giving me the answers I wanted. Instead of giving in, it just said "trust me." That is one thing I have a very difficult time doing, but there's no point in praying, getting what I think is an answer, and then ignoring it because I like my plan better. It's a process, but I think one that will turn out for the best, especially because the voice does not seem to be misleading me. I think it's the voice of God answering my prayers and guiding my decisions. Lord help me to follow your direction, cuz it sure is hard.