Memories

I have been thinking lately about my ability to remember things, and I really find it fascinating. The smallest details, or the most inconsequential things get stored in my brain, and sometimes I wonder what the selection process is.

For example, I remember when I was 5, my family went on vacation to Oregon, and while we were at the beach there, Libby and Gabe were rolling this big log in the water with some of the older kids. My parents actually asked my why I wasn't out there with them (I was jumping the waves in the shallowest part of the water) and I responded that I was afraid of getting sucked out by the undertow. That is my earliest conscious memory of fear of the ocean, but I am afraid of it, and have been for as long as I can remember.

Another good example would be the contrast between A Tale of Two Cities and A Beautiful Mind. I first read A Tale of Two Cities in the sixth grade. The only reason I know this is because I ruined Gabe's copy of the book I was borrowing by spilling water all over it on the way home from softball practice and had to buy him a new one. :P However, all I remembered of the story was that there was a guy who liked to lick rust off of his fingers, that Charles Darnay (I didn't remember his name) had to undergo two trials, and that a man who could have been his twin gave his life for him in the end.

Now contrast that to A Beautiful Mind (which I just finished watching for the second time ever, the first being with Libby shortly after it came out on DVD). I remembered the entire plot of the movie and even several of the smaller points in between. What's even more interesting is that I remembered the questions I asked about the movie at the time (I didn't understand how the doctor could be real since he seemed to be working with the "Russians" so I asked how he knew to help John. Libby's response was that he must have just been in the audience and saw the way that John was acting) I also remember Libby saying that once she knew the ending, she wondered who pushed the desk out of the window when Charles first shows up as John's roommate.

I could continue with the examples, but the point I'm trying to make is that my memory seems to be at least sort of selective, but not consciously so. I didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on any of these incidents, I just remember them. Somehow though, even those things that I do dwell on, like the Awana verses I learned growing up, dissipate after a while. I still remember a fair amount of them, but now I forget the references, or I can only remember a phrase, or the gist of what it was trying to say. Why is it that I can remember conversations with no trouble, but those things I spent hours memorizing slowly slip from my memory?

The only real conclusion I have been able to come up with is that it is due to some sort of emotional connection or other. In the beach example I gave, there was a strong element of fear. With A Tale of Two Cities, I remember what happened to the book because I was upset that I messed up Gabe's copy (I even remember trying to fix it, by putting a dictionary on top of it to fix the warping, at Mom's suggestion, but then the cover got torn because in the drying process it stuck to the table) and remember the parts of the story that I do more because I remember my reaction to them than anything else. With the movie, I think it was just the feeling of connectedness as a family that stuck with me. Whatever the cause may be, however, it seems that my memory works on an emotionally selective basis.

I have no real amazing ending to this, I just thought it was interesting that I remember those things I react to or connect to. :P

Planned Parenthood

So I got tired of hearing all the negative comments on the House decision to end the federal funding of Planned Parenthood, and did some of my own research on it. For those of you completely horrified that Republicans could make such an "uninformed" decision as to end health care funding for those who can't afford it, do you know WHY? It's because of the video that was released a few weeks ago, and not just the one, but SEVERAL videos showing roughly the same thing from all across the country. I understand that they don't use federal funds for abortions, but if they're helping out those involved with sex trafficking, and using federal funds to do it, then shouldn't their funds be revoked for that? Planned Parenthood does provide health care for those in need, but so do a lot of other places. Why do they HAVE to keep their funding? why can't the money they're losing go to some other organization that won't abuse it?

Priorities

As you can read here, today was quite productive. I'm really proud of how much I got done :) The thing that bothers me, however, is that the only reason I got up and got stuff done was because I absolutely HAD to. You see, if I had not gone to my appointment with the health center, I would have had to reschedule, and then that would have made it far more difficult to get all the rest of my Cambridge paperwork done.

The issue, then seems to be not how organized I am, but my priorities. If I deem it as really important, then I will get up for it. A good example of this would be work versus class. I have had morning classes before, but rather than stick them out, I skipped a whole bunch, then just dropped the class (with my ASL classes that is), whereas whenever I had a super early work shift I got up and went to it, because duh, if you miss class or drop it, it's not that big of a deal. you can always go back and take it some other time. If you miss a work shift, however, you get in MAJOR trouble, and quitting because I don't like the shifts I have would be dumb because it's hard to find a job and even harder to find one you like decently. I do not skip classes that I see as super important though (For example, I have never skipped a Torrey session just so that I could sleep in. I'm pretty sure that's the only class I have never done that with though)

So what is the difference? Well, I desperately wanted to be in Torrey, so screwing it up after trying so hard to get accepted would be stupid. Also, you can't pass Torrey if you skip classes, whereas most other classes I don't respect enough to worry about. I can pass them, and do so with good grades for the most part, even not showing up. I guess maybe it's a pride issue, but in my way of thinking if I can get good grades without showing up why should I? I'm obviously not learning anything in that class when I do show up because otherwise I wouldn't get good grades even though I am absent a lot.

This raises the question, then, what is important? What should I respect enough to deem it worthy to get up in the morning for it? Apparently this is something I need to figure out, or maybe not. Maybe the answer should be that it doesn't matter if *I* think it worth my time and attention, I am asked to be there, and the mature adult thing to do is to be there. *Sigh* being an adult is so difficult sometimes... :P

some day

On my way back from my tutoring orientation today I saw a dog that looked remarkably like Patches. The owner was even walking him with the use of a halti. One day I'll have another dog. For now I can scan old pictures and cherish the memories I have.

sometimes I just need to be reminded

that I am human.

Abb(e)y traits

During our conversations over the last few weeks, my roommate Abby and I have decided that there are some things which must just be an "abb(e)y" thing (I put the E in parentheses because her name does not have an e, just to clarify). Here they are for your viewing pleasure :D

1) staying up waaaay late (as in after 2 am late)
2) sleeping in ridiculously late as a result of staying up way too late (she sleeps about as late as I
do :P)
3) using sleep as a means for escape
4) have I mentioned how much we love to sleep? :P
5) a love for Lord of the Rings (apparently she had a "shrine" built to it in high school :P)
6) past crushes on Hayden Christensen (for those of you who don't know the name, he was
Anakin on Star Wars)

that's it for now, but I'll come back and add more as they arise. :D

Daddy

I've had a few conversations with people lately where they commented on my determination to do things, to push through even when I don't like what it is that I'm doing. One of them had to do with my job, and how it's stressful working and going to school at the same time and how it's not a great job anyway, so why do I do it? My response was because it's a job, and it pays the bills. It's not so bad that I can't handle it, and it's the responsible thing to do. They're response to that was, that's just you isn't it? I said, no actually, that's my Dad. I had a great example growing up of what it means to be a mature adult, and how sometimes you have to do what you don't like in order to care for yourself (or in Dad's case care for his family). It doesn't matter that you don't like it, you just do it. It's the same with school. More than one person has asked me why I continue to push myself and fight for something that I don't really want. My response is always that at this point, it's the responsible thing to do. I'm not happy, but God put me here for a reason, and I'm so far along now that to leave and go somewhere else would just be a huge waste of my parents' money. So, I continue to push through all the stress and frustration because I believe God placed me here for a reason, and because it's the responsible thing to do. I do the responsible thing because that's what adults do, and I know that because of my Dad. :)