I realized...

That I'm being ridiculous and pathetic. I have spent a lot of time this semester complaining about how hard everything is and focusing only on the negative, thinking about the good things at CSUN, and at home, how easy life was/could be if I wasn't at Biola. That's dumb, and I need to stop. I left CSUN because I believed, and still believe, that God wants me at Biola. If that is the case, then I need to focus on Him, rather than on everything that's not going the way I want it to. I'm not giving up, and that's a good thing, but couldn't I get a lot more out of the experience if I stopped dragging my feet about it and being miserable through it all? So I miss the fellowship at CSUN, who else's fault is it but my own that I haven't gotten involved in a church out here so that I could have that fellowship I miss so much? I tried to find a church at the beginning of last year, but then pretty much gave up and just decided that there's not a church like COC, so why bother? It's stupid and juvenile, and it needs to stop. Please forgive me for all of the complaining I've done on here(I think my last three or four posts have all been me whining :P) I'll try to be more positive in the future. :D

What I miss...

In one of my meetings with Dr. Vincent (my mentor) I was again expressing my frustration with how difficult everything is for me, and how life would just be easier if I went home. Her response? Why home? What is it about home, and CSUN, and everywhere but here that makes me want to go there, rather than stay here and tough it out. I didn't think about it too much after that, but I think after my recent trip to CSUN's InterVarsity meeting I may have figured it out. There are a couple of reasons, I think that I miss CSUN, and since I don't see that as much of an option, I go for what is second best, home.

First of all, I realized that while I was at CSUN I had something to do at least a couple nights a week. I had the option of going to their Monday night fellowship(more like a youth group setting) and I always went to Bible study on Tuesdays. The people I got to know over the course of that year are amazing people, and I always had a blast spending time with them. On top of that, there was the occasional special event at Eddy's house where we all got together and played games, and had food, and just hung out. I loved it, all of it.

However, while being involved in IV allowed me to have something of a social life, that wasn't the best part. The best part was the fellowship with other believers, people who truly, deeply cared about heir relationship with God, and who enjoyed spending time getting to know Him more, and interacting with other believers. It is the fellowship that I miss most about CSUN. The fellowship, and people's attitudes about being Christians.

I think when I came to Biola, I expected to experience a similar atmosphere as that which I experienced in IV. The sad thing is, I haven't. At least not to the same extent. So far the people I spend time with have either been "elitist", or at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, that is, the kinds of people that couldn't care less about the rules.

I guess my point is that I'm disappointed. I love my "elitist" friends to death, and dont really spend much time with the other kinds of people, but I'm tired of feeling like there are no middle of the road Christians to spend time with, and I miss the feeling of connection I had with those at CSUN.

The reasoning behind my desire to go home is because I don't really see CSUN as an option. It's a close second to the fellowship I had and it gives me the option pursuing my ASL. I don't see CSUN as an option because I disliked the school so much. I'm not sure I would like going to a community college much better, but I still see it as a possible option because my mindset will have changed. Instead of going to school to get an education, I would be going to school so I can get a job. I suppose I could go back to CSUN with that mindset, but getting a four year degree seems to imply the wish for more of an education, rather than simply to get a job when I graduate. I guess it's the difference between trade school and otherwise. CC feels more like trade school to me, and the only reason I'm at Biola is to get a good education.

Because I have such a desire for a good education rather than simply so I can get a job, I guess I sort of feel trapped. I know I can't get an education like this anywhere else, so I deal with it, but that kind of explains, I think, why I've had such a hard time this semester, and it tells me what I need to fix. If it's fellowship I'm missing, then it's fellowship I need to work on.

Not your usual question raised by reading Calvin

We are currently reading Institutes of the Christian Religion by John Calvin. We had one session on it today, and another on it tomorrow(in fact we have three more sessions total), so I was working on my notes for it this evening, and the section due tomorrow mostly deals with sin, that is, what it is, how it relates to us and our relationship with God, and so forth. As I was thinking about this, and interesting thought came to mind. I realized, and wrote in my notes, that because of sin we have an understanding of what sin is, what consequences our actions have etc. and this understanding is necessary because otherwise there would be a lot of people doing really bad things and thinking nothing of it, you'd have your criminally insane, essentially.

Now the question that came up at the end of the page, and thus why I'm writing about it here instead of in my notes is, because of this understanding that sin gives to us, do we also then have a better understanding of God's love for us? Could we understand how much He loves us if He hadn't sent His son to die for us? It seems counter intuitive, that God would allow us to sin simply so we would be condemned and need a savior to feel His love most fully, but at the same time, it is kind of hard to wrap my mind around God's love without Christ's death on the cross.

If such is the case, that is sin causing us to most fully feel God's love for us, then that means that the fall of Adam and Eve had good results, and not just bad ones. I am okay with that conclusion, but again, that means that sin is technically a good thing, and that I'm not okay with. Interesting dilemma...and I doubt it will actually get addressed in session. Oh well. :P

Processing...

I don't know where to start...I have all of these jumbled thoughts in my head, so this post may not make a lot of sense, because I kind of need to work things out...I feel like I'm all worn out, like I need to just take a break from life and check out for a while, like my spiritual life is dry, like I don't know what to do...we have a lot of reading to do this semester, and they're all great books, but the motivation to read them is gone, and I feel like I'm not getting from them what I should be getting...I feel like, I don't know, like I've hit a wall or something, I have so many things pulling me in so many different directions, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I love Biola, I love the friends I have here, and I love the education I'm getting. I love the fact that Disneyland is a cheap affordable activity, and I love that I have a car that gets amazing gas mileage so I can drive pretty much anywhere I want to for relatively cheap. :) I feel though, that with everything I like about where I am, I should be more happy, and I'm not. I feel bored most of the time, for no real reason, I have plenty of reading to do, but sometimes I just need a physical challenge, and I don't have access to that. I feel like I want to be done with school, or at least to have it be easier than it is, but the problem is, I had that, I was at a state school, and I still wasn't happy. When I had it easy, I wanted a challenge, and now that I have a challenge, I want it to be easy again. It bothers me that the one thing I thought for sure God was calling me to, that is to be an interpreter, I have no real passion for any more. I don't want to wake up and go to class, Torrey is the only thing that I do, and it bothers me that the only reason I do that is because I'm paying exorbetant amounts of money in order to do so, that and the fact that staying in Torrey means going to England next summer. But that's the thing, I could easily pay the same amount of money and take a trip to the UK for a few weeks if I wanted to, I don't have to be in Torrey to go there. And if I was at home getting a cheaper education, or not in school at all, I would have fewer bills to worry about, and more time to hang out with those I connected/re-connected with over the summer...then of course there is the fact that I miss being at COC. I loved that Church and I miss going there. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced before. I don't mind going to Immanuel, but COC was something else. For the first time I wasn't just going to church to see my friends, although I did have friends there, I was going because the teaching is amazing, and the community is just....I don't know, it's something else. Right now I'm feeling lost, and I'm trying to work my way back to God and work on my relationship with Him, but I feel so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I have the energy to fight anymore...right now I'm questioning whether or not I'm supposed to be where I am because life would be so much easier if I wasn't...it would be so easy to just give up and stop fighting for...anything. I felt at the time that I was accepted into Torrey that it was a "God thing" that He had made it abundantly clear that CSUN was ot where I was supposed to be, and Biola was. Shoot, there were 3 or 4 other people just in my group who didn't get accepted at first, but they had to fight for their acceptance, I didn't. Whoever it is that makes the decisions just changed their mind, without me saying anything. I didn't have to call them, or talk to anyone, I didn't have to DO anything, they just changed their minds. Now, I'm not doubting that at the time it was a "God thing" and He did work miraculously to get me accepted, but could that have changed? could it have been what I needed last year and not this year? I'm not saying I can't do it, because I know I can, but it's really hard when the motivation isn't there, and I feel bad because I'm not giving the books everything that I think I should be giving them...I don't know, but I feel better having written all of this out :P

COC how I miss thee...

Listened to COC's message online tonight, and its got me thinking...I'll let you know when I figure it out :P

Will you please?

School has been going well :) I'm staying on top of things so far, and not getting too stressed out (yet :P) Work is slowing down and becoming less stressful, and with fewer people in the park tempers are not as short, and I don't get yelled at as often, which makes for a more enjoyable shift. :) I like my roommate(she's pretty awesome, actually) and I've had no trouble re-connecting with Mark and Taty. Session is harder, but it's good for me. I have to really pay attention and focus, I can't let myself zone out and expect to be able to come back into the discussion and have anything important to say. I like it. :) The thing is, with as well as everything is going, I'm feeling discouraged. It is hard, so I have to work at it. I'm getting tired, and knowing that life would be easier if I just gave up and went back home doesn't help. The biggest thing is that of the people in my life I've heard a lot from those who don't agree with my decision, those who don't see the point in me being at Biola, or more particularly, involved in Torrey. I got to hear, on different occasions, just how much they wish I went to community college. and only focused on ASL. All they said regarding my education was that they think I can't do it, they think I can't succeed at Torrey, so why should I push myself, if all I'm going to do is fail? I haven't heard much from the other people,(except for Alex :P) and at this point, I kind of need a cheering section, because I'm starting to believe what I'm being told, that I should quit, that Torrey isn't for me, and that I should just go home.

I can't take this anymore...

I'm tired of you telling me I can't do it, I'm tired of you saying it's not worth my time, that I'm gonna "crash and burn" if I stay there. I realize that you don't understand, that's it's hard for you to see the good in it, that you're worried about how I will turn out, but I can't keep explaining it to you. I need you to realize that just because something is hard does not make it not worthwhile, in fact, it is more worthwhile BECAUSE it is hard. I am not miserable, if I was I would leave, I left CSUN did I not? and I wasn't completely miserable there, just dissatisfied. I need you to trust my judgment, because I can't keep you over this. Having to fight with you is part of what you see as me being "miserable." You think I will just automatically change my mind because YOU don't think I should be there, you who live in a safety bubble and do all you can to stay there, you who can't make a decision and stick with it to save your life. Well, here's my final response: I won't do this anymore. I BELIEVE I AM WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE. I'm sorry you don't agree, but since you're not the one who's in the situation, then it really doesn't matter does it? So back off, and maybe I'll survive the semester.