The call to singleness

Waiting is hard, especially in our culture that says instant gratification is the best way to live your life, especially in a Christian culture that says good Christian girls should marry good Christian boys and support their husbands and raise a family.

For many, marriage is looked at as the ultimate means of happiness. How could it not be? For the rest of your life, you have a best friend, someone to stand by you through everything, someone to share your life with, someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

For others, however, it is the ultimate means of holiness. You are happy, because that person who loves you and wants to share your life, who wants to be with you "until death do you part" is also your greatest source of growth. Not just someone who makes you happy, but someone who makes you think. Not just someone who makes you laugh, or holds you when you cry, but someone who pushes you to be better, to do better.

Of the two camps, I tend to fall in line more with the second. But knowing that also means that my choices are limited. In order to find someone that challenges me, I need to say no to the one that just makes me happy. Which brings us to the reason behind the title of this post.

I don't believe I am "called to singleness" as the saying goes. But I'm not sure that that particular calling really exists. You see, I always looked at that saying as something that meant God had chosen a select group of Christians and determined that He would not give them the desire to be married. Instead, they would be above our culture's saturation of romantic comedies and love love stories. They would look at those things and say "that's nice for them, but I'm doing alright on my own. Me and God? That's enough :)."

I thought of these people like they were some sort of superman for being so content in their walk with God that they didn't need anyone else. But a recent conversation with a friend of mine made me start to think.

What if the "call to singleness" is not a lack of a desire to get married, but a willingness to wait on God for what His absolute best? What if the "call to singleness" simply means knowing without a doubt how you are supposed to serve God, and a refusal to settle for someone that would lead you to do otherwise? What if the "call to singleness" is just not the lack of a desire to get married, but instead the willingness to say "Ok God, you have given me a call to service, and that requires a very specific kind of person. If I never meet that person, I'm ok with that. I'm willing to place my service to you above everything else."

Am I called to that? I have no clue. So far it seems that I may be. But like I said, waiting is hard, and as so many others do, I may one day decide that the person who is right for my personality is more important than the specific service that I want to spend my life doing. It's easy to compromise. Who's to say I won't? But for now, I'm willing to wait. I've got all the time in the world :).

Learning to fly

I often find myself struggling. With what? Well, a lot of things. I struggle with contentment, I struggle with Joy, I struggle with peace, and a knowledge that everything will be ok. I struggle with those aspects of my faith that are generally considered things that "mature" Christians do, such as going to church every Sunday, or even spending a few minutes doing my devotions. But what I find myself struggling with most of all is my faith.

You see, all those other things I struggle with really boil down to a lack of faith. I don't have the faith to believe that God will really provide for me, so I worry. I don't have the faith to believe that the holding pattern I feel I am in is temporary, so I am discontent. I don't have the faith to believe that God really knows what He is doing in my life, so I fight against it. I refuse to allow Him full control, because I don't really believe that He can do a better job than I can of making my life what I want it to be.

How arrogant! How selfish! I say that I am called to serve others, to translate the Bible so that they can have access to the same life changing words that I do. And yet I refuse to treat them as the life jacket that they are. Instead I say I can do it myself. I don't need anyone else's help. I can work 18 hour days, because that's what it will take to pay my loans off. Or, I can feed myself on next to nothing, because if I don't, the money won't be there to pay my bills. I don't need to read my Bible, my novels are more interesting, anyway. I don't like that my life feels like it's not moving forward fast enough, so I'm going to change it. I'm going to do xyz. I'm, I'm I'm.

But that's just it. It's because I too often leave God out of the equation that life feels like it's not moving forward fast enough. It's because I too often leave God out of the equation that I ever HAVE to work an 18 hour day. It's because I leave God out of the equation that I HAVE to do it on my own. And quite frankly, that's just plain exhausting.

Well, God decided to pursue me from a different direction, this time. He did it through one of my books. For Christmas, I got a few Ted Dekker books, two of which were the Caleb books, Blessed Child, and A Man Called Blessed. Co-written by Dekker and Bill Bright, they are the story of a boy raised in Ethiopia, who comes to America, and takes the world by storm. In the second book, we see him all grown up, after being taken back to Ethiopia, and how he has changed. You see, in the first book, he has the power to heal. In the second book, he has become like every other Christian you might think of in America. He is normal. But he doesn't have to be. He is because he has "misplaced his love." Through a series of events, he winds up in the desert, with a band of monks. These monks do nothing but live for God. They pray, they eat, they interact with each other, and all of it is done to the glory of God. There is one thing about them, however. They have power. God's power. They are truly living out their faith. It is this run in with the Monks that shifts Caleb's perspective back to where it was when he was a child. It brings his focus back to God, and he again begins to display power. Not healing this time, but the ability to influence people in order to prevent a fair amount of chaos that would have resulted had he not been able to influence them.

Here's the thing, though. These books are all about faith. I think my favorite line was when Caleb is talking to the head Monk, Father Hadane, and in an attempt to understand what he is being told, Caleb clarifies that "If I say I believe, but do not follow, then I do not believe at all." That's it right there. The whole point of everything is belief. And what is belief without action? "Faith without works is dead." I always thought that meant that if we said we were Christians, we needed to do good things because that is what Christ would have done. But in this case, I think it more clearly applies to living out the knowledge that Christ is the one who is caring for us. It isn't anything I can do. I've seen enough lately that you would think I would understand this by now. It's all about taking the leap of faith, and allowing Christ to catch you. Like cliff diving. Like a trapeze artist who lets go of the bar because he knows his partner will catch him.

Faith is like that. It requires that we step out into what looks like thin air, knowing that Christ is there to keep us from falling. Most of the time, I don't even realize that I'm still holding on for dear life to that which I think will save me, when all it's doing is preventing me from the exhilaration of flying. 

Father God, I want to see. I believe Lord, help my unbelief! I don't want to be blinded by my doubts, or my fears. I don't want to be frustrated by my failures, or lack of progress. Lord, I want to do things at your pace, in your will. Rushing things will only result in a half-baked attempt at greatness. I don't want my life to be nothing but shadows of what you have planned. Help me Lord to slow down, and appreciate what I have. Help me to see you in everything as I live the life you have given me. Help me to not look to the past, to try to change it, and help me to not look too much into the future, to arrive there before it is time. Help me to live in today, and to be grateful for what you have given me here and now. Amen.
 

Christmas at home

I love the holidays. Or so I believe. And yet, every year, right around the end of November and the beginning of December, right when the holidays are coming in to full swing, I start to get sad. I think about what it means to be at home with my family for Christmas, and it makes me wish I was there. For me, the holidays aren't the same without my family. Things are crazy and stressful, sure, but its our own special brand of Moothart crazy. It's familiar, it's comforting. Sometimes its even funny.

We'll start the month off with decorating the house. Putting all the lights up, getting the tree pretty, and of course, what's Christmas without Mannheim Steamroller and Snoopy vs. The Red Baron playing on a constant repeat? :) As Christmas gets closer, the presents begin to appear under the tree. Slowly, one by one, and of course, with the added working of helping mom make them absolutely perfect. (Give me your finger! I can't get this ribbon on here all by myself!). We never go a Christmas Eve without having cheese fondue. It's the only time of year mom makes it. And that makes it special. We eat it for days afterward :). Christmas morning, we open our stockings, eat breakfast, then go in a circle to open our presents (after Dad has read the Christmas story from Luke of course). We put our things away, and play with our new gadgets. We have dinner together as a family.

As I think of Christmas, and home, I know I'm sad because I don't get to experience these things anymore. As time went on, I became less and less involved in my family's traditions, and more and more involved with my own schedule. That's not a bad thing, its part of growing up. But family is very important to me. I have to feel like I have a family, no matter where I am.

Knowing this about myself, however, tells me one thing: To learn to appreciate the family I create. Family doesn't have to be mom, dad, and my brothers and sisters. I love them all, and they will always be my family,  but this time, when I'm far away, learning to see family in my friends, learning to make new traditions with new people, that's what's important. If I am always looking back, and wishing that my life was the same now as it was when I was growing up, then I will cease to grow. I will cease to learn from new situations. I will cease to be happy, because I will forever be comparing my new situation with my old one. I will never be satisfied with what I have because I will always want what I had.

So this Christmas, I'm determined to try something new. I'm determined to make my own traditions, and create family from my friends. I will stop wishing for what I had, and learn to be thankful for what I have. Without that lesson, I don't think I'll ever be able to truly appreciate Christmas at home, because I will never be home.

Mile Marker

Today, I did the math. And what exciting math it was. In the seven months since I moved to Texas, I have paid off over 5,000 of my debt. When you add that to the debt I paid off before I moved here, the total comes to about 7,000. In one year, I have paid off $7,000 of my debt, enough to drop from the 90,000 range to the 80,000 range. Slow and steady wins the race right? With Gazelle intensity :P.


 

Interesting

I've come to the conclusion that interesting is over rated. Let me explain.

When I was little, I thought of my parents as normal people. My Dad went to work, my Mom stayed home and raised us. Life as a kid was pretty simple. I did my homework, cleaned my bedroom, and played with my friends. I didn't really think about it being boring, or interesting. It just was.

When I got a little older, and I was given a little more freedom, my friends and I liked to ride our bikes to the local Wal-Mart. That to us was exciting because it was something we could do without our parents supervision. Sometimes we even went to the local movie theater( usually after being dropped off by our parents because it was a little bit farther). One friend and I took every Friday and went on a hike in the nearby foothills. I can't even remember all the times we got into trouble of some sort.

 Life was life, and it still is. However, the older you get, the more responsibility you have. The more responsibility you have, the less adventure your life is involved with. I don't mean that life has to be boring, or can't be interesting. I mean that those who are adults have responsibilities that they need to fulfill. As a result, they can't just take the day and wander through the foothills all the time, or stay up all night talking about boys. (Yeah, we did that one too, quite a bit. While trying to quietly walk through my house to the garage so we could climb up into the rafters where it was more exciting :P)

The thing is, when I was a kid, I always thought my life would be really exciting all the time. That I would have endless adventures, and explore unknown places (I had a pretty vivid imagination, what can I say?). What I didn't know then, and what I'm learning to reconcile now, is that life can't always be exciting and interesting. It might be fun to go and have adventures all over the world, but no matter where you go, life will always catch up with you.

I'm not James Bond, nor do I wish to be. And even if I was, I would still have to come home at the end of the day. Life is meant to be lived, and experienced, but the definition of that experience will always be determined by me and what I choose to do with what I am given. That being said, I like my life, and I need to learn to appreciate what I have. God has blessed me tremendously, and to be dissatisfied simply because things are not as exciting as I would like them to be is selling not only myself, but God's gifts, short.

 

The election, politics, etc...

Tuesday night, our President was re-elected. Do I think he was the best choice for our country? No. He is in fact, against almost everything I believe in. But that's not the point. The point is, he was re-elected. Our nation chose him to continue to be our leader, and with that comes a certain degree of respect. I'm not saying that being disappointed that Romney didn't win is being disrespectful. What I am saying is that being hateful and vindictive towards Obama is. What it comes down to, really, is how you decide to act. It's understandable if you want to disagree with things a person in charge is doing. But again, disagreeing, and being disrespectful are two different things. America has had bad presidents before, and Romney certainly wasn't going to be our nation's savior. In fact, if you look at the political history of the two, it is remarkably similar. What it comes down to is this: Our nation won't be destroyed by one man, just like it can't be saved by one man. Our government has three branches, for the purpose of checks and balances. The President does not have all the power. In fact, the power is pretty evenly distributed between the three, although the President does have certain authority that does not belong to Congress or the Judicial system. So what does this mean? It means that if you don't like the way our country is going, then change it. Especially as Christians, we are called to care for the poor, the widows and the orphans. When was the last time a mega church (and there are tons of them in the country) put something together that was more than a handout? Ever stop to think that maybe people wouldn't be crying to the government to give them free health care, free food and free money if that was provided willingly by the church? Think about it. The biggest argument that Christians I know have against big government is that those are services that should be provided for by the private sector, that people should have the freedom to willingly give their money to help the less fortunate, instead of being forced to through ridiculously high taxes. But it comes out the same. Either you give to the poor through charity, or you give to the poor through taxes. The reason Obama was re-elected is because those who don't have the means to support themselves will have a better chance of doing so under him. Those who do have the means to support themselves are becoming much fewer and more far between, so the group of people adversely affected by his policy changes is becoming smaller and smaller. I don't think taxing the living daylights out of us is the answer to that problem, but maybe there wouldn't be such a problem if we actually got up and did something about it. Stop complaining about what he is doing. Stop whining about how he was not the President you wanted. Get up off your butt and do something about it. It's only gonna change if we work from the inside out.

Fear

"The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." (FDR) You never really know how true that is, until you experience it for yourself. More specifically, until you realize you are afraid, and the only reason for that fear is simply because you don't know what it will be like. I have now been in Texas for a little over six months. I've made a few friends, gotten involved in church, landed a good job. All of that is good, but since I moved here, I have done absolutely nothing about trying to connect to any of the Deaf community out here (and yes, it does exist, I've looked). The only reason I can think of, is fear. It's scary to me, to put myself in yet another new situation. And not just a situation where I'm meeting new people (that would be scary enough) but a situation where I have to use another language that is not completely natural to me. It's fun, once I can get myself to go, but taking that first step is always the hardest.

There's a deaf church in the area. It starts before my church does, and I've felt for weeks now like I should visit, that I should try to go to both churches. The problem is, I'm scared. It took most of my spunk to move here; I don't have whole lot left with which to continuously place myself in unfamiliar situations. But I want to go, and I know that once I do, it won't be so bad. It's just the idea of it. But I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of avoiding situations simply because they sound scary. And I'm tired of pretending like everything is ok, I'm tired of pretending that I'm not afraid. I'm terrified. But I'm going to do it anyway. Wanna know why? Because that is the area of my life that is the hardest to keep up with, but it's also the most important. It's something that I am determined to pursue, in spite of the fear that wants to hold me back. Lord give me strength.