Square one...

One of the things I have the hardest time dealing with is losing friends, especially if it seems like it is because they've simply decided they don't wanna hang out with me anymore. The loss of friends was the reason why I transferred from a private christian school in high school to a public school. It is also the reason that I do not allow a lot of people to get close to me, because so far it has seemed inevitable that they will walk away sooner or later, no matter how hard I fight to keep them around. When I decided to transfer from CSUN to Biola, it was the hardest decision I've ever made. This is because for once I was walking away from those who were my friends. I didn't stop being their friend, but removing myself from their proximity made spending time with them rather difficult. :P I made the change because I believed that Biola was the better school, and that this was where God wanted me to be.

I still believe this, but it's getting harder and harder to remind myself of that fact. Last spring I sort of lost the two closest people I had out here(sort of because we are still "friends" I just don't hang out with them outside of class anymore...it's a complicated situation) When I came back this semester, I had mostly reconciled myself to this fact, and worked on making my schedule as packed as I possibly could without losing my sanity so that I wouldn't spend too much time alone in my apartment. Also, I was still friends with a girl in Huntington Beach. Not ideal, but close enough to be doable, so I could always hang out with her if I got too lonely. That changed tonight. We had a long conversation about it, but the result was we aren't friends anymore. Interestingly enough, while hurtful, it wasn't quite as devastating as I thought it would be. I cried some yea, but I'm feeling okay about it now. I think this is because God wants me to move on with my life.

In the past, rejection such as this would leave me angry and bitter at them for, sometimes, years after the fact. But I'm not angry, and I'm only a little bit hurt. I'm wondering if maybe, I'm starting to see my worth apart from what other people think of me. This is a good thing. :) (That and my schedule is still gonna be crazy busy, so I won't have a lot of time alone anyway) Slowly, over the last 6 months I have lost (even if only temporarily) a lot of those in my life that I primarily got my feelings of love and acceptance from. (I had the fight with friends at school, Alex left for Alaska, Patches died, and now this) There are really only two ways I have been able to look at this and make any sense out of it, and both are encouraging, to an extent anyway. Either it's satanic attack, trying to make me leave the position that God has placed me in by making me feel as alone as possible, or it's God trying to get my attention by removing that which I turned to instead of Him. If it's Satanic attack, then I must have him pretty scared :P; if it's God trying to get my attention, well then maybe I should listen. :P So we're back to square one, and this time, I think instead of worrying about not having friends and getting depressed, I'll spend my free time (what little of it there is) with God, and let Him bring into my life the people that He wants there.