The Power of His Name

Have you ever stopped to think about why you have a bad attitude about something? Maybe you're having a bad day, or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever it is, sometimes bad moods seem to come along for absolutely no reason. I thought about this lately, and realized that they are in fact forms of satanic attack. I'm serious. While I was in England, there were some days when I couldn't stop questioning; why this? well what about that? which inevitably resulted in me not being able to really enjoy those days. Then one day, I thought, why am I asking what if? What if will not change things when I get back home. The situation is what it is, so I can learn to deal, or I can be miserable. Of course, as soon as I had decided that whatever outcome I was questioning I would be satisfied with, I started questioning it again. That's when I decided to try something. I said "Satan, in the name of Jesus, leave me alone!" (I was pretty angry at this point because this particular round of questioning was happening during a play we were watching and I wanted to enjoy it) you know what? the questions stopped, and a feeling of joy, like I've never felt before, filled me. I was happy. Not just content, but truly joyful. It was a wonderful feeling. Since then I've tried it on several other occasions, when I seem to get angry at something for no apparent reason, or when I'm just moody for no real reason. It works every time. It's not magical or mysterious, it is, plain and simple, the power of Jesus' name.

Square one...

One of the things I have the hardest time dealing with is losing friends, especially if it seems like it is because they've simply decided they don't wanna hang out with me anymore. The loss of friends was the reason why I transferred from a private christian school in high school to a public school. It is also the reason that I do not allow a lot of people to get close to me, because so far it has seemed inevitable that they will walk away sooner or later, no matter how hard I fight to keep them around. When I decided to transfer from CSUN to Biola, it was the hardest decision I've ever made. This is because for once I was walking away from those who were my friends. I didn't stop being their friend, but removing myself from their proximity made spending time with them rather difficult. :P I made the change because I believed that Biola was the better school, and that this was where God wanted me to be.

I still believe this, but it's getting harder and harder to remind myself of that fact. Last spring I sort of lost the two closest people I had out here(sort of because we are still "friends" I just don't hang out with them outside of class anymore...it's a complicated situation) When I came back this semester, I had mostly reconciled myself to this fact, and worked on making my schedule as packed as I possibly could without losing my sanity so that I wouldn't spend too much time alone in my apartment. Also, I was still friends with a girl in Huntington Beach. Not ideal, but close enough to be doable, so I could always hang out with her if I got too lonely. That changed tonight. We had a long conversation about it, but the result was we aren't friends anymore. Interestingly enough, while hurtful, it wasn't quite as devastating as I thought it would be. I cried some yea, but I'm feeling okay about it now. I think this is because God wants me to move on with my life.

In the past, rejection such as this would leave me angry and bitter at them for, sometimes, years after the fact. But I'm not angry, and I'm only a little bit hurt. I'm wondering if maybe, I'm starting to see my worth apart from what other people think of me. This is a good thing. :) (That and my schedule is still gonna be crazy busy, so I won't have a lot of time alone anyway) Slowly, over the last 6 months I have lost (even if only temporarily) a lot of those in my life that I primarily got my feelings of love and acceptance from. (I had the fight with friends at school, Alex left for Alaska, Patches died, and now this) There are really only two ways I have been able to look at this and make any sense out of it, and both are encouraging, to an extent anyway. Either it's satanic attack, trying to make me leave the position that God has placed me in by making me feel as alone as possible, or it's God trying to get my attention by removing that which I turned to instead of Him. If it's Satanic attack, then I must have him pretty scared :P; if it's God trying to get my attention, well then maybe I should listen. :P So we're back to square one, and this time, I think instead of worrying about not having friends and getting depressed, I'll spend my free time (what little of it there is) with God, and let Him bring into my life the people that He wants there.

On being an introvert

I have long thought of myself as an introvert, but in the last few years I've had so many people tell me otherwise that I wasn't sure. Then I recently had it explained that being an introvert has nothing to do with how well you like people (which is what I was told, if I don't like spending a good amount of time alone, then I must be an extrovert) but more with how much energy is gained by being around people. I am consistently exhausted by spending time with people, specifically if it is a large group. One or two I can usually handle ok, certainly far better for far longer than a larger group (large being anything more than 3 usually). Thus the conclusion that I am, indeed, an introvert.

Seeing myself this way also explains a few things about myself. I have also, for a long time, felt socially awkward, unable to do or say the right thing if I was in a larger group, thus resulting in my silence (and therefore my dislike of large gatherings). I even beat myself up for it a few times, wondering what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just act like everybody else? When I talked with one other person I was fine. There were no issues about me saying the wrong thing, or anything like that. I figured maybe it was just a desire for attention, the need to say something so that others wouldn't forget about me, but that didn't really seem to fit either since I can quite happily sit in a corner with my nose in a book for hours on end with no desire to talk with anyone else at all.

The same person who explained to me that being an introvert does not mean you would prefer to be a hermit also explained that the issues I seem to have socially in large group settings are simply because I'm an introvert. It's natural for introverts to not relate well to lots of people because they aren't MADE to relate well to lots of people. Do you know how happy that made me feel? It means there isn't anything "wrong" with me. There is nothing for me to "fix," it's ok that I sometimes say something that seems to come from left field because introverts trying to become extroverts just creates a big mess anyway. It's also ok that I like to read, prefer reading to spending time socializing in a large group. It's just me, and there's nothing wrong with that :D