Lent when you don't feel like it

I wasn't planning on observing Lent this year. In fact, I was determined not to. You see, God and I aren't really on the best terms right now. So much has happened. BUT. I still hold on to the belief that an act of worship is an act of worship regardless of how you feel about it. I still hold on to the belief that God is holy, and worthy of my devotion. I don't like him much right now, but I do still love him. For me, this means that whether I feel like it or not, I need to worship Him. So, even though I'm a week late in starting, I will observe Lent. What I love about traditional churches, and liturgy, is that its not about me. It forces me to take the focus off of myself and the way in which I interact with the experience, and it places it entirely on God. I don't have to worry about faking an emotional experience because no emotional reaction is required. All that is required of me is to show up. All that I have to do is participate. Going through the motions is ok, for now. I don't think God expects any more of me than that, and I don't think simply showing up is too much to ask. The whole point of Lent is to deny yourself something. To take the focus off of yourself and put it back on God. And that, to me, is the best way to live out your faith, whether I feel like it or not, because its not about me.

Belonging

I have spent a lot of my life feeling like I lived in a place where no one understood me. I went through the motions of growing up, and trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I fought to change who I was in order to try and make people like me better. Then, upon graduating from college, I said "enough! I'm gonna do what I want to do." So I packed up and moved myself to Texas. It was a desperate bid on my part to find an adventure, and also to move to a location where I had heard there were people who acted more like me. Little did I know that this was more true than I could have ever imagined. God blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings with a group of young adults that not only loved me for who I was, but who also challenged me in my faith in a way that no one else ever had.

Then I got married, and moved to North Carolina. I thought maybe I had learned enough in Texas, that I was strong enough from the healing it had provided me. I was wrong. Shortly after moving here, my anxiety attacks, which I had experienced a little bit of in California, returned with a vengeance. It was enough to warrant medication. I have since struggled to find my place in this new land, without much luck. I struggle on a daily basis to live in the here and now, instead of in the past. In a way, it has been worse than California was, because at least before I didn't know what life could look like when you feel like you have a place where you belong.

However, God is good. I do have one friend, and Marc and I have been attending a good church. But I honestly think that maybe God did all of this on purpose. I have a hard time turning to him when my life is good. When I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to, I turn to Him. I know I should anyway, but when life is easy, it's hard to remember to do so. Anyway, I feel like if I can learn my lesson, maybe God will stop trying to teach it to me. Maybe I can finally learn something the easy way. Maybe, if I can continue to rely on God when life is good and I feel like I belong, I won't be put in situations where I feel like such an alien. God help me.

Easy, breezy days of summer

It's almost summer. I have two weeks of school left, and I will be left with more time on my hands than I will probably know what to do with. Last summer, I spent my free time cleaning, and organizing the house. This summer, the house is already unpacked and nearly ready to go, so whatever will I do with myself? I have a few ideas.

For starters, Loki needs some very consistent training. And exercise. Lots of it. That will probably cover about 2 hours a day (depending on whether I drive to the city dog park, or just use the smaller complex dog run). Since I doubt I will ever, on any given day, wake up before 10, that at least takes care of my mornings :) That just leaves me with afternoons. My goal is to try some work from home options, in addition to the mystery shopping I have been doing lately. The rest of the time, I have projects I want to finally tackle.

-Write a book (I have been toying with this one for a few years now, and just have not made myself sit down and do it)

-Create a Udemy course (Udemy is a website where you can find various courses that people have created, to teach on most any topic, but there aren't a lot of people teaching ASL, so we'll see how that goes. The good news is that its free to create and sell!)

-Sew a skirt. (I've had the material, and the pattern for a while, I just haven't taken the time to sit down and do it. I guess I'll have time now :D)

Reflections

It has been almost a year since I posted last. That kind of blows my mind. I can't believe that time has gone by so fast. I'm not even sure where to begin.

I got married. That statement alone sums up what life has been like the last 8 1/2 months. It is wonderful, and scary, and beautiful. Sometimes I wonder just what exactly I got myself in to, and at others times I can't believe my good fortune, to have married a man such as Marc. My life is so different with him, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I started a new job. This, probably more than anything else, has caused more anxiety and stress than I can imagine. Most of the time I'm not allowed to do what I was hired to do (long story), but when my kid and I are able to work together, and it's obvious that she finally understands what we've been working on, it's the most rewarding feeling in the world.

Together, Marc and I have paid off nearly $30,000 in debt. This, more than anything else, blows my mind. I could not have even dreamed of paying off so much in one year before now. I'm happy that he and I are on the same page, and that we are both determined to make the rest of it go away before long. 

I'm learning, every day, I'm learning that I prefer to have experiences, rather than things. I'm learning that clutter drives me nuts. I'm learning to live with less so that I can experience more. I'm learning that it's not always about me, and what I want. I'm learning to let go, and to be satisfied with what I have, and where I am. I'm learning to be creative. But most of all, I'm learning what it means to be happy in spite of undesirable circumstances. I'm learning to be content, instead of always wishing for what I don't have.

In realizing that I desire less clutter, more simplicity, and better experiences, I have started reading a blog called Becoming minimalist. In a guest post of theirs, the author states "When you focus on what’s lacking in your life, you’ll do or buy anything to fill that void."


I think this, more than anything else, has made me realize that it's time to examine my motives, and practice contentment. It's has also helped me to focus on the difference between contentment, and complacency. Contentment is being satisfied with what you have and being where you are, while continually working to do your best. Complacency is apathy. It is knowing that you could do better, and be better, but refusing to do so. It is giving up. I don't want to give up, but I do want to be satisfied.

Goodbyes are never easy

My last day. It's quite bittersweet. I'm looking forward to what the upcoming years have in store, but oh how my heart longs to stay here. Texas, you were my first real home. I moved here looking for a summer adventure and found the best two years of my life so far.

I got my first (and second, and third) full time job here.
I had my first apartment here.
I made my first major car repair here.
I lost a dog, and subsequently was finally able to get some closure on the one I lost a few years ago.
I found another dog that's as healthy and happy and rambunctious as you could ever want.
I discovered I have ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder.
I discovered that I have an intolerance for grains.
I made some of the best friends I've ever had.
I went on a trip to Jamaica for two weeks and got to see what Deaf ministry really looks like.
I broke up with the love of my life, and got engaged to him a little more than a year later.
I planned a wedding long distance.
I paid off $8,000 of student loans.
I've learned more about myself and my faith and how to relate to the world than all my time growing
     up.
I've learned to be satisfied with who I am.

Texas, you are without a doubt the single best decision I ever made, and I sincerely hope we meet again some day soon. But for now, I need to take all that you've taught me, and live my life to the fullest in a new area, with new people, and new things to learn. Thanks for everything, my friend. I certainly will never forget all that you have done for me.

Grain-free discoveries

I started the adventure of eating grain free back in January. Since then, I have had to bad relapses (I say bad, because they lasted far longer than one meal). Both times I have gotten sick within a week of said relapse. The first time I thought it was a coincidence. After all, I get sick all the time right? But this time it happened again, and it has been so much worse (I think because it was for a longer period of time, and I still haven't completely gotten myself back off of them yet).

One thing that is really interesting though, is that I noticed how much worse I felt almost immediately after eating that which i was not supposed to eat (in this case, a can of chicken noodle soup). Normally, the chicken noodle soup helps me to feel better. It's warm, and soothing, and (so I thought) easy on my stomach. Perfect sicky food right? Well, apparently, now it just adds to the general feeling of blah. My head started to hurt, my nose got more clogged, and my energy level went way down again. Surprise, surprise. So much for my "comfort food."

However, the more I play with this, the more I find out about myself. Recently, my energy levels were pretty much back to the way they were pre-elimination diet, so I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't grains after all, and if that's the case, then what's the point? Well, clearly catching a cold every time I eat them too frequently is another VERY good reason to stay away. It's hard, and frustrating, when the majority of easy food is stuff I can't have. When I work all week, then have to work all weekend cooking and cleaning so I can eat better. It's expensive, and sometimes (ok most of the time) I wonder if there's really much point. But then I think about the fact that I could be doing much worse. I could have continued to eat the way I was, and continued to get sick every three weeks like I was. But that is even worse, in my mind, than what I am doing now.

Instead of complaining that it is too much work, that it's too stressful, that I can't or don't want to, or whatever, I can look at the choices I've made, and remind myself that there was a reason that I made them. And that reason is becoming more clear every day. Because if I'm miserable, then eating the food I want to eat isn't worth it.

Can it be? Is math actually logical?

I keep seeing this video about the new way common core is teaching kids subtraction. Have you seen it? Basically a person walks around a college campus, and asks various college students what 32-12 is. Of course, they all say 20, and then the standard way of writing out 32-12 appears on the screen, followed by the new common core method. This new method requires a student to add in order to get the right answer. First, 12+3=15, then 15+5=20, then 20+10=30, and last 30+2=32 The answer then is 3+5+10+2=20. The responses have been loud and unanimous. "It's too hard!" "I don't get it!" "Where do they get the random numbers to add up?"

Now, as an adult with a college degree, I have memorized over the years the fact that 32-12=20. And I can also write it out using the standard formula. But now let me make something very clear to you. I never understood math. I struggled with it all through school, and as soon as I had the chance to drop it, I did so. I recall an argument I had with my mom when I was first learning to subtract. I was adamant that 1-1=1, not zero. (I was in the first grade, cut me some slack). I finally just accepted the fact that I was never going to really understand math, and just needed to memorize what I was being told, whether it made sense to me or not. Subtraction with carrying? Forget it. To this day, I still don't understand WHY subtracting one number from another and adding it to the next turns a zero into a 10 (instead of a 1). (like 100-33. Cross out the one, stick it next to the first zero, to equal 10, then cross it out again to get 9, add the extra digit to the final zero to get 10 so you can subtract 3 from 10, instead of 3 from zero, and 3 from 9, instead of 3 from 0.) I just know that's what you do.  So now you know where I am coming from. Math makes no sense in my head. Just memorize how to do it, and move on. But this common core thing? It makes sense to me. That in and of itself is a small miracle.

Let me tell you why. I'll explain by answering the last of the questions raised on the video. "Where do they get the random numbers to add together?"They don't just magically pull them out of the air, I promise. When they tell a child to add 12+3=15, they are showing them how to get to an easier number to deal with. I know automatically that 15+5=20. 5's are easy to work with. But I have to do a little bit of mental math almost every time when I try to figure out what the difference is between 12 and 20. The mental math I do? 20-5=15, and 15=3=12. 3+5=8. Exactly like how common core is teaching these kids. Now, once they are at 15, it's far easier to make the jump to 20, then 30. and the number 2 is obvious, because that's all that's left. Does it take longer? Yes. But if this shows kids how to break down math into more manageable numbers, so that there is less confusion, less memorizing, and more reasoning, then good for them!