Unplugging

I have noticed a change in myself over the past several months. I am more easily annoyed, and generally more irritable, or at least I feel like that anyway, even if others haven't really noticed it (no one has said anything). This could be attributed to my crazy schedule (working 80 hours a week, and getting only 5-6 hours of sleep a night has a tendency to make people more irritable :P) However, it started before I started working so much. It seems that the general exhaustion is just bringing out an underlying problem. That problem, I think, is that I am too connected.

Let me explain. When I find myself checking Facebook every 10 minutes to see if there are any notifications, I am too connected. When I  check my e-mail every 20 minutes, or less, to see if I have a new e-mail, I am too connected. When I check my phone every couple of minutes to see if I have missed a text message, I am too connected. All of this is simply creating more stress in my life, not less. When I am so worried about what someone's Facebook status is, or an e-mail that can be answered an hour or two after it is sent, I am too connected. I am too worried about largely insignificant forms of communication, and that tells me I am far too connected.

So I have made a decision. I have now disconnected the 3G on my iPhone. In the next couple of weeks it will be going back to Verizon (funny thing though, I'm actually making money by giving it back to them. Apparently, it's worth more than what I originally paid for it :P) Why Do I need to sell the iPhone back? Perhaps it would be better to use it just as an iPod? The problem with that is that I'll still be on it every time I have a wifi connection. And the whole point is to limit my accessibility to the internet.

I have also made another decision. I'm not paying for internet at my apartment. I have free access in the office, or I can go to Starbucks, or McDonalds. Internet is not so all important for my life right now that I have to have it at my fingertips. So I'm choosing not to.

Instead, I'm choosing to read, and to relax, and to unplug. I'm choosing distance. I'm choosing self. I'm choosing growth, and I'm choosing God. I'm choosing to make those things which are all important the most important. Because all those other things do is steal, and I've chosen not give to them any longer. I'm choosing life. The best life possible. The life that comes with being unplugged.
 

International Women's Day

Until today, I did not know this existed. I also did not know that March is Women's History Month. Amidst all of the posts about empowering women, and women's equality today, for which I am grateful, the first thing that comes to mind is a scene from Mona Lisa Smile.

Julia Roberts plays the part of Katherine Watson, a progressive woman in the 1950's trying to change the role women play in society by teaching at a women's college. In this scene she is talking to one of her students, Joan Brandwyn (played by Julia Stiles). Joan has two strong desires: to be a lawyer, and to have a family. She gets accepted, but decides to pursue having a family instead. This is how things play out when Katherine learns of her decision.

Katherine Watson: There are seven law schools within 45 minutes of Philadelphia. You can study and get dinner on the table by 5:00.

Joan Brandwyn: It's too late.

Katherine Watson: No, some of them accept late admissions! Now, I was upset at first, I can tell you that. When Tommy came to me at the dance and told me he was accepted to Penn, I thought, 'Oh God, her fate is sealed! She's worked so hard, how can she throw it all away?' But then I realized you won't have to! You can bake your cake and eat it too! It's just wonderful!
Joan Brandwyn: We're married. We eloped over the weekend. Turned out he was petrified of a bit ceremony, so we did a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing. Very romantic.
[Katherine is stunned]

Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.

Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
Joan Brandwyn: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.

Katherine Watson: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.

Joan Brandwyn: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?

Katherine Watson: Yes, I'm afraid that you will.

Joan Brandwyn: Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.

Katherine Watson: I didn't say that.

Joan Brandwyn: Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

The thing that always strikes me in this scene is that as much as Katherine fights to give her girls the opportunity to have anything they want, she almost completely dismisses the fact that some of them are not simply conforming to society. What some of them truly want is to stay at home and raise a family.

In today's world, women have more choices than ever, but with that comes a shift in societal expectations. As we celebrate the the progress made for women in in our world, lets remember that with that progress remains the right to do things traditionally too.

Waiting

I've never been much of a patient person. If I see something I want, I immediately start making plans for how to make it happen, whether it was making a visit to Virginia after high school graduation, or transferring to a private school I had absolutely no way of paying for. And God has been faithful. He has allowed me to make the mistakes that my head strong nature often often leads me to, without too many repercussions. But now it seems, He is telling me to wait. You see, That private school never did fall within my price range, and so far God hasn't seen fit to miraculously bail me out of the mountain of debt I have buried myself under. But that doesn't mean He hasn't provided for me. He has given me a good job, and an affordable place to live, both of which have allowed me to remain independent.

But waiting is hard. I've had to learn to slow down, to say no to things I would normally say yes to. And I've had to learn to hold on to my dream, even though I can't have it just yet. I've had to learn that if it really is worth having, it is worth waiting for. But that's not all God is teaching me.

I know that this time of waiting is by just waiting for the sake of waiting. God is using this time to shape me, to make me into the person I need to be in order to serve Him the way I need to serve Him. I just finished reading the book "Kisses from Katie" which, if you haven't heard of it is a story about a 19 year old girl, just out of high school, who gives her heart to Uganda. In her first year there, she adopts 9 little girls, and 5 more in the years to follow. She gives up everything she has so that se can do her best to make a difference, but does it with the knowledge that just changing one life is enough. She knows that God is the one doing the work, and she is simply the person He chose to do it through. In her words "In the days of Jesus, He expected EVERYTHING of His disciples. Do I believe He requires the same today? I do. And I want to live like I believe it." Reading those words, I know I'm not ready to give my everything. But I also know that that is, at least in part, what this period of waiting is for.

She says later that "The hard places can seem unbearable. It's dark and it's scary and even though I know God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes it's so dark that I just can't see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side...ALWAYS on the other side is something beautiful because He has used the hard place...to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even in the times when I didn't see Him."

It's hard to read that and not stop and think. And it makes me wish that I had faith like that. So I wait, and I pray, because I know God is preparing me for something great. I just need to do it in His time, and not my own.

Realization

Timeline. I hadn't thought about it before. My timeline is to move overseas sometime within the next five years. I was looking at adoptable dogs online the other night and it hit me, a dog could be up to a 15 year commitment. Patches was 13 years. I'm not planning on staying here that long. As much as I want a dog, I can't have one, because I can't commit that much time and I certainly can't take him with me. If I get a dog here, that would mean committing to stay here for longer than I think I need to. And I can't do that. As much as I desperately want a dog, the dog will have to wait :/

Hearts Cry Out

Proud, poor, free. The land of Jamaica is one of beauty and individuality. The first thing you notice as your plane skims over the water is how gorgeous this island nation is. But amid all the beauty is a people whose hearts cry out for more. Jamaica is the first country I've been to where you can't use the word "Christian" and get your meaning across. There, everyone is a "Christian." In Jamaica, there is no such thing as an atheist. To say that God does not exist is blasphemy to them. Of Course He exists. How else did the world come to be? The schools there still do basic devotions at the beginning of the day. Yet even with all this religion, very few really understand what it means to be a follower of Christ.

The overwhelming majority of people will respond with a yes if you ask them if they are a Christian. But you will get quite a different response if you ask them if they follow Christ. To them, to follow Christ is to do everything right. If you smoke, drink, have pre-marital sex, or even have tattoos, in their minds, you are going to hell. You must have your life cleaned up before you can be a Christ follower, because otherwise God will not accept you. They do not understand the meaning of grace. In their minds, your salvation is determined on the number of good things you do. This is not as common among believers, but the culture there says that you must act like a Christ follower in order to go to Heaven.

The reason for this is that there is so much wrong that happens in their everyday lives. 75% of children in Jamaica grow up with no father. The culture says that in order for a man to be a man, he needs to have many children, and several women. But with this cultural expectation of physical manhood, there is no maturity expected along with that. If a man fathers a child, it is no big deal for the man. He is allowed to leave and do whatever he wants. The women are left to raise the children on their own.

This broken family dynamic also plays a large role in the Deaf culture in Jamaica. I learned in my American deaf culture classes about Deaf pride, and Deaf power. Here in America, the Deaf are proud of who they are. No one should ever try to change their circumstances, because they like being Deaf. In Jamaica, it is the complete opposite. Up until fifty years ago, the Deaf on Jamaica were treated much like animals. They were locked inside their houses, refused education, and largely ignored. It wasn't until the Caribbean Christian Center for the Deaf (CCCD) started in Jamaica in the 50's that things began to change. They opened Deaf schools, and provided access to JSL (Jamaican Sign Language). That's when circumstances began to change. But this shift in perspective is still so recent that many of the stigma's that originated with a hearing person's perspective of the Deaf still persist. Many Deaf are still thought to be stupid, or unteachable. Many hearing parents of Deaf children wind up dropping them off at the Deaf school, and having as little to do with them later on as possible. It is easier this way, to give the responsibility to someone else. Hearing people don't understand why it is hard for a Deaf person to learn to read. They don't understand why they learn differently than hearing kids. And so they are branded as less than. And the sad thing is, many of the deaf people there agree with them. They are more willing to let the hearing people run the show than they are to lead themselves. And they suffer as a result.

The deaf in Jamaica look at Christianity as a hearing person's religion. Why is that? Because it is so much more accessible to hearing people. We have Bibles in written format that we can read and understand. They are left with asking the hearing people to explain it them. With such a situation its no wonder that they feel like only the hearing people can really read and understand the Bible. But not only that, when a person looks at themselves as incapable, they are less likely to step up and take a position that requires capability. If you don't think you are able to lead, then you aren't going to do it.

There are 10,000 Deaf people on the Island of Jamaica. Only 10% of them are Christians. They have one pastor. His role is to travel to different churches on the Island and give the Sunday sermon, but that means that each church only rarely gets to have him. The rest of the time, they fellowship and learn as best they can. The Deaf community in Jamaica is crying out for leaders, but so few are willing to step forward and take that role.

One of the most important lessons that I learned while in Jamaica was how crucial it is for any Deaf missions project to be run by a Deaf person. The hearing Americans are more likely to have an education that fits the role, but if it is not run by a Deaf person, then the Deaf will never own it. It will be relegated to the area of "Hearing only." The reason that I needed to learn this lesson? Because it shifts my expectations of what my role will be, and it shows me that I will most likely have a different role than I originally expected. It also means that my possibilities are greater. Rather than being so focused on one small area of ministry, it is my job to be focused on the larger aspect of helping the Deaf to become leaders themselves, no matter where I am. Whether that be through education, through witnessing, or through some other avenue, my job is not to start something that I'm better at than a Deaf person (because really, that doesn't exist within Deaf missions. They will always be better at reaching other Deaf people than me!). My job is not to do work for the Deaf, but to work with the Deaf, to enable them to lead themselves, to use my education, and my talents, and my passions in service to them, regardless of what that looks like. And most of all, it is my job to humble myself, and say that they know better than I do, because they have lived it! No matter what area of missions I work in, discipleship needs to be the goal, because without it, the Deaf around the world won't lead themselves, and they absolutely need to.

 

The call to singleness

Waiting is hard, especially in our culture that says instant gratification is the best way to live your life, especially in a Christian culture that says good Christian girls should marry good Christian boys and support their husbands and raise a family.

For many, marriage is looked at as the ultimate means of happiness. How could it not be? For the rest of your life, you have a best friend, someone to stand by you through everything, someone to share your life with, someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

For others, however, it is the ultimate means of holiness. You are happy, because that person who loves you and wants to share your life, who wants to be with you "until death do you part" is also your greatest source of growth. Not just someone who makes you happy, but someone who makes you think. Not just someone who makes you laugh, or holds you when you cry, but someone who pushes you to be better, to do better.

Of the two camps, I tend to fall in line more with the second. But knowing that also means that my choices are limited. In order to find someone that challenges me, I need to say no to the one that just makes me happy. Which brings us to the reason behind the title of this post.

I don't believe I am "called to singleness" as the saying goes. But I'm not sure that that particular calling really exists. You see, I always looked at that saying as something that meant God had chosen a select group of Christians and determined that He would not give them the desire to be married. Instead, they would be above our culture's saturation of romantic comedies and love love stories. They would look at those things and say "that's nice for them, but I'm doing alright on my own. Me and God? That's enough :)."

I thought of these people like they were some sort of superman for being so content in their walk with God that they didn't need anyone else. But a recent conversation with a friend of mine made me start to think.

What if the "call to singleness" is not a lack of a desire to get married, but a willingness to wait on God for what His absolute best? What if the "call to singleness" simply means knowing without a doubt how you are supposed to serve God, and a refusal to settle for someone that would lead you to do otherwise? What if the "call to singleness" is just not the lack of a desire to get married, but instead the willingness to say "Ok God, you have given me a call to service, and that requires a very specific kind of person. If I never meet that person, I'm ok with that. I'm willing to place my service to you above everything else."

Am I called to that? I have no clue. So far it seems that I may be. But like I said, waiting is hard, and as so many others do, I may one day decide that the person who is right for my personality is more important than the specific service that I want to spend my life doing. It's easy to compromise. Who's to say I won't? But for now, I'm willing to wait. I've got all the time in the world :).

Learning to fly

I often find myself struggling. With what? Well, a lot of things. I struggle with contentment, I struggle with Joy, I struggle with peace, and a knowledge that everything will be ok. I struggle with those aspects of my faith that are generally considered things that "mature" Christians do, such as going to church every Sunday, or even spending a few minutes doing my devotions. But what I find myself struggling with most of all is my faith.

You see, all those other things I struggle with really boil down to a lack of faith. I don't have the faith to believe that God will really provide for me, so I worry. I don't have the faith to believe that the holding pattern I feel I am in is temporary, so I am discontent. I don't have the faith to believe that God really knows what He is doing in my life, so I fight against it. I refuse to allow Him full control, because I don't really believe that He can do a better job than I can of making my life what I want it to be.

How arrogant! How selfish! I say that I am called to serve others, to translate the Bible so that they can have access to the same life changing words that I do. And yet I refuse to treat them as the life jacket that they are. Instead I say I can do it myself. I don't need anyone else's help. I can work 18 hour days, because that's what it will take to pay my loans off. Or, I can feed myself on next to nothing, because if I don't, the money won't be there to pay my bills. I don't need to read my Bible, my novels are more interesting, anyway. I don't like that my life feels like it's not moving forward fast enough, so I'm going to change it. I'm going to do xyz. I'm, I'm I'm.

But that's just it. It's because I too often leave God out of the equation that life feels like it's not moving forward fast enough. It's because I too often leave God out of the equation that I ever HAVE to work an 18 hour day. It's because I leave God out of the equation that I HAVE to do it on my own. And quite frankly, that's just plain exhausting.

Well, God decided to pursue me from a different direction, this time. He did it through one of my books. For Christmas, I got a few Ted Dekker books, two of which were the Caleb books, Blessed Child, and A Man Called Blessed. Co-written by Dekker and Bill Bright, they are the story of a boy raised in Ethiopia, who comes to America, and takes the world by storm. In the second book, we see him all grown up, after being taken back to Ethiopia, and how he has changed. You see, in the first book, he has the power to heal. In the second book, he has become like every other Christian you might think of in America. He is normal. But he doesn't have to be. He is because he has "misplaced his love." Through a series of events, he winds up in the desert, with a band of monks. These monks do nothing but live for God. They pray, they eat, they interact with each other, and all of it is done to the glory of God. There is one thing about them, however. They have power. God's power. They are truly living out their faith. It is this run in with the Monks that shifts Caleb's perspective back to where it was when he was a child. It brings his focus back to God, and he again begins to display power. Not healing this time, but the ability to influence people in order to prevent a fair amount of chaos that would have resulted had he not been able to influence them.

Here's the thing, though. These books are all about faith. I think my favorite line was when Caleb is talking to the head Monk, Father Hadane, and in an attempt to understand what he is being told, Caleb clarifies that "If I say I believe, but do not follow, then I do not believe at all." That's it right there. The whole point of everything is belief. And what is belief without action? "Faith without works is dead." I always thought that meant that if we said we were Christians, we needed to do good things because that is what Christ would have done. But in this case, I think it more clearly applies to living out the knowledge that Christ is the one who is caring for us. It isn't anything I can do. I've seen enough lately that you would think I would understand this by now. It's all about taking the leap of faith, and allowing Christ to catch you. Like cliff diving. Like a trapeze artist who lets go of the bar because he knows his partner will catch him.

Faith is like that. It requires that we step out into what looks like thin air, knowing that Christ is there to keep us from falling. Most of the time, I don't even realize that I'm still holding on for dear life to that which I think will save me, when all it's doing is preventing me from the exhilaration of flying. 

Father God, I want to see. I believe Lord, help my unbelief! I don't want to be blinded by my doubts, or my fears. I don't want to be frustrated by my failures, or lack of progress. Lord, I want to do things at your pace, in your will. Rushing things will only result in a half-baked attempt at greatness. I don't want my life to be nothing but shadows of what you have planned. Help me Lord to slow down, and appreciate what I have. Help me to see you in everything as I live the life you have given me. Help me to not look to the past, to try to change it, and help me to not look too much into the future, to arrive there before it is time. Help me to live in today, and to be grateful for what you have given me here and now. Amen.