Processing...

I don't know where to start...I have all of these jumbled thoughts in my head, so this post may not make a lot of sense, because I kind of need to work things out...I feel like I'm all worn out, like I need to just take a break from life and check out for a while, like my spiritual life is dry, like I don't know what to do...we have a lot of reading to do this semester, and they're all great books, but the motivation to read them is gone, and I feel like I'm not getting from them what I should be getting...I feel like, I don't know, like I've hit a wall or something, I have so many things pulling me in so many different directions, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I love Biola, I love the friends I have here, and I love the education I'm getting. I love the fact that Disneyland is a cheap affordable activity, and I love that I have a car that gets amazing gas mileage so I can drive pretty much anywhere I want to for relatively cheap. :) I feel though, that with everything I like about where I am, I should be more happy, and I'm not. I feel bored most of the time, for no real reason, I have plenty of reading to do, but sometimes I just need a physical challenge, and I don't have access to that. I feel like I want to be done with school, or at least to have it be easier than it is, but the problem is, I had that, I was at a state school, and I still wasn't happy. When I had it easy, I wanted a challenge, and now that I have a challenge, I want it to be easy again. It bothers me that the one thing I thought for sure God was calling me to, that is to be an interpreter, I have no real passion for any more. I don't want to wake up and go to class, Torrey is the only thing that I do, and it bothers me that the only reason I do that is because I'm paying exorbetant amounts of money in order to do so, that and the fact that staying in Torrey means going to England next summer. But that's the thing, I could easily pay the same amount of money and take a trip to the UK for a few weeks if I wanted to, I don't have to be in Torrey to go there. And if I was at home getting a cheaper education, or not in school at all, I would have fewer bills to worry about, and more time to hang out with those I connected/re-connected with over the summer...then of course there is the fact that I miss being at COC. I loved that Church and I miss going there. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced before. I don't mind going to Immanuel, but COC was something else. For the first time I wasn't just going to church to see my friends, although I did have friends there, I was going because the teaching is amazing, and the community is just....I don't know, it's something else. Right now I'm feeling lost, and I'm trying to work my way back to God and work on my relationship with Him, but I feel so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I have the energy to fight anymore...right now I'm questioning whether or not I'm supposed to be where I am because life would be so much easier if I wasn't...it would be so easy to just give up and stop fighting for...anything. I felt at the time that I was accepted into Torrey that it was a "God thing" that He had made it abundantly clear that CSUN was ot where I was supposed to be, and Biola was. Shoot, there were 3 or 4 other people just in my group who didn't get accepted at first, but they had to fight for their acceptance, I didn't. Whoever it is that makes the decisions just changed their mind, without me saying anything. I didn't have to call them, or talk to anyone, I didn't have to DO anything, they just changed their minds. Now, I'm not doubting that at the time it was a "God thing" and He did work miraculously to get me accepted, but could that have changed? could it have been what I needed last year and not this year? I'm not saying I can't do it, because I know I can, but it's really hard when the motivation isn't there, and I feel bad because I'm not giving the books everything that I think I should be giving them...I don't know, but I feel better having written all of this out :P