Kate

I think I finally realized WHY everything was so different in my relationship with Kate than it is with everyone else I am friends with, and also probably why I never really feel like myself except around her and Johnny. I think it's because they're older. I don't have to sort of take care of them, and I'm not the most mature person in the group when I'm with them. Growing up, my role in my group of friends was essentially the caretaker. I was, although not the oldest(Jenny is 15 days older), certainly the most mature. I was also the most emotionally stable. Therefore, I guess I was sort of the leader(when Noelle wasn't around). Knowing my personality, I HATE leading. I can do it if I have to, but I am not a leader. Being put into the situation where that's what I did all the time I think is part of why I never felt, even around my friends, like I could be myself, or even really knew what that looked like. When I started spending time with Kate and Johnny, I was the youngest. There was no need for me to be the "leader" because they weren't going to look at it that way. In fact, the few times I tried to do that they told me, for all intents and purposes, no. I found out that I can be sarcastic. I guess I am sort of with my friends from home, but not really. I think its because of the role that I play. Sarcasm can hurt, so I generally stay away from it. I didn't have to with Kate and Johnny because they weren't going to be hurt by it. The problem here at Biola, then, is that most of the kids in my Torrey group are younger than I am. I have a hard time not forcing myself back into that role of leadership, or whatever you want to call it, because I am one of the few kids that are older(there are a few that are older than I am). Of those that are older, I know their personality types are not like Kate and Johnny's. They are like Phillip, and any number of his friends that you can think of that either went to Grace, or AKX. I don't know how to explain it other than that. I had fun with Amberly yesterday, but it is really hard for me to be myself around those who are younger than I am. I guess I've just been trained into it. And that's not to say that I can't get close to those who are younger than I(all of my friends besides Kate and Johnny are younger) just that I don't think I can reach the same level of comfort and truly feeling like I can be myself with them. After having experienced it once, I think I'll always look for it, which means I may never be quite satisfied.