musings

I've been thinking on and off for a little while now about some stuff. Mainly why after I thought I had dealt with what happened at Calvary I was still kind of bitter and angry. At Ladies Night during Torrey Convocation after the games were done they had us sit down and think for a while. I don't really remember what the thinking exercise was, but it made me realize something: 1) part of the reason why I took the year at Calvary so hard was because I wasn't exactly emotionally stable to begin with, and 2) if that's true, then everything I've felt stems from one major event in my life: the death of my aunt. Thinking about it, I think that's right. She died when I was nine. Later that same year, my best friend moved away. Shortly after that the only friend I had at the church I was going to moved, so I had no friends at church because I didn't fit in with the other girls there. Three years later, I went to Calvary. A year after that I had another major blow up with a close friend, and two years after that a girl I thought I was friends with, pretty close friends with actually, starts ignoring me. A year CSUN, and it's general unhappiness, although that last one wasn't really a bad experience, just a growing experience. Now, after seeing the sequence of major hurtful things in my life, I think each was worse than the last because I let the hurt from the previous carry over into the next. I.e. my aunt died. I think in retrospect that I got pretty mad at God for that one. I was really close with her. I prayed for a year and a half for her to get better and she didn't. I think I felt either abandoned by God or that maybe He was never there to begin with, that He just didn't care enough. I know in my head that that's not true, but getting my heart to believe it is another story. So, assuming that my feelings on that case are correct, then my best friend moving was just another score against Him, why should I have to deal with two major losses in one year? My other friend moving, leaving me totally alone at this church, again, why would God allow that? Why me? Three years later, the hurt of having no friends at that church still haunts me sorta, because it's a fear now. If I had no friends at one point then there must be a reason for it right? Something wrong with me? If God didn't care enough why should anyone else?(these weren't really my thoughts at the time. I had no idea why I was so angry when the other girls didn't really do anything to me, just that I was) So I go into Calvary with self-esteem issues. Self fulfilling prophecy maybe? Maybe, maybe not. Anger at them for rejecting me so completely, anger with God for letting happen, again. A year later it happens again. I have a blow up with a friend. I see a pattern start to develop, so I pull away from a lot of people, keep to myself, don't let myself get close to people. It's better that way. I'm a book worn by nature, so why not utilize that passion? I bring books to school now and spend most of my time reading. Books can't hurt you. Two years later I start feeling distant from the one friend I had let myself get close too. She was hurting too, so I figured it was probably safe. Wrong. She just got tired of me. Decided that I was judgmental because I had different conservative opinions, even though I mostly kept them to myself. Another score against God. Every person I ever got close to was taken from me. (Except for Jenny and Lauren, but I've had a hard time getting even them to stay as close as we once were) Anger, anger, anger. I realized that I really have not felt God's presence since as long as I can remember. That when I pray, all I feel like is happening is that I'm talking to myself. I know I say the right words and do the right things, but that's really easy when you know what Those are. I haven't had a real relationship with Him since my Aunt died. I don't doubt my salvation, just the depth of the relationship. I think the fact that I'm here at Biola of my own free will, that it was something I wanted is a good sign. I know I'm moving in the right direction, and I feel a connection now and then. It's not great, but I'm working on it. Maybe I'm finally starting to accept my life occurrences, and to let go of the anger. I know that maybe I'll never really understand why it happened, but I think I'm getting to the point where I'm ok with that.