After a while, I got tired of trying, and allowed myself to wallow in self pity, and probably minor depression. "What did I do? They say they like me, but I hardly ever hear from them, unless I make the effort to get in touch. Repeatedly. What's wrong with me?" Then from there, I got angry. If no one else was going to put in the effort, then why should I? I figured if the best thing to do was to stop caring and move on, then the best way to do it was by being angry about it. (It's kind of a habit I have...I'm working on it :P)
But see, the problem with both of those responses is that it focuses on the problem, not having the kinds of relationships with people that I want, instead of focusing on the solution. I have no idea what the solution is. I imagine it's probably tied into being an introvert, being socially awkward (I mean really, who wants to spend a lot of time getting close to the one that makes everyone feel awkward? I know there are a lot of people out there who love me in spite of my awkwardness, but really, loving someone, and having the kind of relationship that I feel is missing, are two totally separate things). I know that the solution lies in learning, learning how to relate better, how to act in social settings better, basically, learning how to connect with people. The problem is that this particular solution is one I've been working on for a long time.
It was made quite clear to me when I was much younger, in not the nicest of ways, that socially I lacked what was necessary to fit in. So, I tried. I shut my mouth, and pulled out my books. It was better to be considered shy, than rude, or inconsiderate, or nosy, or whatever else went through people's minds when they encountered me. I've been told that intelligence is in large part to blame for social awkwardness. But even the nerds are able to form bonds with each other, at least on t.v. anyway ;).
For some reason, though, I seem to have missed the boat. I left a place I loved, where I had friends although I didn't realize it at the time, in order to spend three and a half years struggling to fit in. A place where everyone else was just as big a nerd as I was. A place where I should have fit right in. A place where sometimes, I was given small glimpses of how it would feel to have the connections I was so desperately searching for. A place where I had seen so many others form life long friendships. A place that seemed to have connections for everyone but me. And I can't but wonder what would have happened if I hadn't messed up? What would have happened if I had been able to connect with people as the others seemed to be able to do? What would have happened if I had been able to solve the problem, before it caused any more damage?
You see, I know I have friends. I know people love me. I know people think of me and wish me well. I know they enjoy the two hour conversation spent catching up. What I don't know, is how to make it complete. The barriers, my books, and keeping myself busy, those don't seem to be hindering things, because I've tried to see what it would be like without them. I've taken them down. I've chosen to trust. I've let people in, and all that ever happens is more hurt. More rejection. More confusion. Why? Why? Why?
I've fought for so long. I want to know what to do. I want to know what to change, what to make better. I don't know what else to do. Having friends, knowing that people love me, it's a start, but I've never moved past the first step, and I want more. So how do I fix it? Because working hard, and living life through my books isn't enough. Not any more, and no matter where I go, I'll always bring myself.
