What I miss...

In one of my meetings with Dr. Vincent (my mentor) I was again expressing my frustration with how difficult everything is for me, and how life would just be easier if I went home. Her response? Why home? What is it about home, and CSUN, and everywhere but here that makes me want to go there, rather than stay here and tough it out. I didn't think about it too much after that, but I think after my recent trip to CSUN's InterVarsity meeting I may have figured it out. There are a couple of reasons, I think that I miss CSUN, and since I don't see that as much of an option, I go for what is second best, home.

First of all, I realized that while I was at CSUN I had something to do at least a couple nights a week. I had the option of going to their Monday night fellowship(more like a youth group setting) and I always went to Bible study on Tuesdays. The people I got to know over the course of that year are amazing people, and I always had a blast spending time with them. On top of that, there was the occasional special event at Eddy's house where we all got together and played games, and had food, and just hung out. I loved it, all of it.

However, while being involved in IV allowed me to have something of a social life, that wasn't the best part. The best part was the fellowship with other believers, people who truly, deeply cared about heir relationship with God, and who enjoyed spending time getting to know Him more, and interacting with other believers. It is the fellowship that I miss most about CSUN. The fellowship, and people's attitudes about being Christians.

I think when I came to Biola, I expected to experience a similar atmosphere as that which I experienced in IV. The sad thing is, I haven't. At least not to the same extent. So far the people I spend time with have either been "elitist", or at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, that is, the kinds of people that couldn't care less about the rules.

I guess my point is that I'm disappointed. I love my "elitist" friends to death, and dont really spend much time with the other kinds of people, but I'm tired of feeling like there are no middle of the road Christians to spend time with, and I miss the feeling of connection I had with those at CSUN.

The reasoning behind my desire to go home is because I don't really see CSUN as an option. It's a close second to the fellowship I had and it gives me the option pursuing my ASL. I don't see CSUN as an option because I disliked the school so much. I'm not sure I would like going to a community college much better, but I still see it as a possible option because my mindset will have changed. Instead of going to school to get an education, I would be going to school so I can get a job. I suppose I could go back to CSUN with that mindset, but getting a four year degree seems to imply the wish for more of an education, rather than simply to get a job when I graduate. I guess it's the difference between trade school and otherwise. CC feels more like trade school to me, and the only reason I'm at Biola is to get a good education.

Because I have such a desire for a good education rather than simply so I can get a job, I guess I sort of feel trapped. I know I can't get an education like this anywhere else, so I deal with it, but that kind of explains, I think, why I've had such a hard time this semester, and it tells me what I need to fix. If it's fellowship I'm missing, then it's fellowship I need to work on.