In Christ Alone

Perelandra and Preface to Paradise Lost

2011-11-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

For the C.S. Lewis class i am (re)taking this semester, I had to write a paper critically comparing Perelandra and Preface to Paradise Lost. I found that towards the end, it sounded a bit like a book review, which was not my goal, but might make for interesting reading for you. Therefore, I give you a brief blurb of what I wrote.

Perelandra shows what might have happened if Eve had not given in to Satan, while Preface to Paradise Lost shows exactly what Satan was capable of. He is the bad guy in either situation. Perelandra is a good way to look at the situation because it shows what we are capable of, even today.

While it is nice to look at the story, and understand that it would have been possible for Eve to have chosen otherwise, it makes no sense for us to only look at it in such a way because then all we do is blame Eve more for the decision she made. Instead, it would be far more helpful for us to look at it as a means to say no today. We do have the ability to say no to the temptations Satan brings our way because we are Christians and are given the ability by God. As Christians, we have been made perfect, just like Adam and Eve were perfect when they were created. It is the state of perfection that allows us to say no. Preface to Paradise Lost also gives us this option. By focusing on Satan as the bad guy, instead of Eve as the one who made a bad decision, or even as the helpless victim, we are shown that we do have strength to say no whenever we are tempted by Satan.

Because of this knowledge, these two books are immensely helpful in our Christian walk. They work in Tandem with the Bible to give us practical advice and solid examples of how we can do what God asks of us. In so doing, they empower us to live as God wants us to live, and therefore allow us to defeat Satan on a daily basis. He may be the bad guy, but he is powerless, if we choose to make him powerless.

Outside of Time

2011-10-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

Over the summer, I read Mere Christianity. One of the things Lewis talks about in it is how God is outside of time, and as a result, our timeline is always his present. He used it to explain why God knows what the future will be and therefore knows what is best for us. The question that it brought to my mind, however, was one dealing with Christ on the Cross. If our past, present and future are all present for God, then that means that right now, Christ, being bound to the limits of time while He was a man, is still on the Cross, He is still dead, and He is resurrected. It also means that in God's frame of reference, Adam and Eve have not yet sinned, but at the same time, Cain has already killed Abel. This also means that each of us has already died. We have already made every single decision we will ever make.

This sort of leads to a greater question about free will. In that case, we really do have free will, God just has the foreknowledge of what our choices will be. That being the case, could our lives turn out any differently than they do? If we have already made our decisions before we are ever even born, then it seems unlikely that our path could be anything but what it is. We don't know what it will be, but God does, and has planned accordingly.

Kind of cool to think about, but also sort of saddening. While I know that Christ is in heaven, it's hard to think of God looking down and seeing His son on the cross. That doesn't change. It also Sort of brings new meaning to the idea that we put Christ on the cross every time we sin. It's true. God knew every choice we would make in advance, which is why Christ could die for our sins in advance, but it still makes me sad to think about. It also makes me want to live a more godly life. Kind of like a challenge. :)

Devotional thoughts

2011-10-10T10:14:00.001-07:00

I just started going through the book "Praying the Names of God" with my mom this morning, and one of the things that came up as we were talking about it this morning was this. When Jesus cried out to God on the cross, he used the name Eloi, which is a form of the word Elohim, meaning God of gods. This particular name denotes God's power and authority. He did not use Abba or any other name that would appeal to God's love and compassion, instead he appealed to his power and authority. Doing show shows us that he was acknowledging God's ability to change the situation if he so chose. He had the power to take Jesus down off the cross, yet he chose to turn his back on him for the moment that Jesus was carrying the sins of the world. Jesus wasn't asking God to take pity on him, he wasn't asking for compassion. He was asking why God, who had the power to do otherwise, continued to allow Jesus to experience the excruciating pain of the cross. The reason is this: God really could not do anything different because of his justice. In his power and authority he knew that if he wanted to spend eternity with us one day, Jesus must endure this. God chose us over his son. That to me is the most powerful form of love you can imagine.

just for fun

2011-06-19T21:50:00.001-07:00

Last fall I took a class on feminism, and one day the professor gave us a handout titled "How to be a Good Wife." It is rumored to come form a 1950's home economics textbook, but SNOPES couldn't confirm. Either way, it's pretty fun to read, mostly because of the differences between what was expected then and what is expected now. Enjoy :)

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children: take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

new people

2011-06-13T21:55:00.000-07:00

I made a new friend a few weeks ago. He is the housemate of a friend of mine, so we've only really been in contact a few times, but each time he's been polite, fun, a gentleman...just an all around nice guy. Makes me think "why can't you be a Christian?" It's nice to be treated really well, especially by someone you hardly know.

Works for me Wednesday

2011-05-18T23:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've done one of these, but here you go. I recently received a Kindle as part of my trip to Cambridge this summer with Torrey. It did not come with a case (obviously) and Amazon was selling them for close to $60. I remembered that my sister-in-law Emily made a case for my brother Gabe for Christmas last year, so I called her up and asked her if she would do one for me for $20. She agreed, and it resulted in this: (sorry for the sideways picture, it didn't want to rotate :P)

Isn't it pretty? A good looking case that I like, that's within my price range. Works for me :) (Also, if you want one yourself, she'll gladly make you one, so go get yours!)

A modern day Greek myth

2011-05-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

This semester, I took a class that compared Lord of the Rings with His Dark Materials (for those of you unfamiliar with the trilogy title, you might know it better by the first book, The Golden Compass). I remember a few years ago when the movie came out, and how up in arms the Christian community was about it, how the trilogy killed God in the end, and therefore it was the worst kind of literature we could ever possibly read. I hadn't read it at the time, and the people who wrote reviews about seemed to know what they were talking about, so I didn't read it, but I was curious. Now having read it, I can say that while "God" is "killed" (really, it's more like he just dissolves after being set free from a box he was being kept in), the trilogy is about as far from attacking our God as it could be.

As I read it, I began to see the many parallels between it and several of the epics I had read in Torrey. This made me realize, then, that while Pullman is referring to the religion in his book as Christianity, he is really writing about the religion of the ancient Greeks/Romans. For example, Pullman's god (called the Authority) lives on a mountain. He is not eternal, but was made by something else (we're never told what) and seems to enjoy the way the church is running things (more on that later) simply because it gives him something to watch. It is a form of entertainment for him. (Metamorphoses anyone?)By the time the story starts, he is not even in control any longer, but has instead withdrawn into his mountain and given the control to his main angel Metatron. This situation is actually kind of like the way that Zeus allows his under-gods to run things when he simply doesn't want to deal with it.

When the Authority dissolves, it is made clear that it is because he is so old. He is a created being, just like the other angels, and is therefore not worthy of the worship that people give him. He has no control over death, or life, or anything. He simply usurped the power of the earth, and started making rules. When such a ruler exists, it is right that we should rebel. He is not only unworthy of worship, but corrupt and evil. His position more closely resembles the demi-gods of Homer's time, than he does the God of Christianity.

It gets better though. The most clear parallel between His Dark Materials and the Greek myths is when the main characters travel to the world of the dead. That's right, they go to the underworld (Remind anyone of The Illiad? The Odyssey? The Aenid?) Virtually all Greek epics contain this element. While Pullman is a very outspoken atheist, he is certainly not writing about God.

Furthermore, the main attack of the book centers around the church. In the beginning, the church kidnaps children in order to experiments on them to see what happens when they are separated from their soul, a visible part of them known as the daemon. The reasoning they have for this is an attempt to prevent Dust (what is not directly defined as, but understood to be sin) from settling on them. The innocence of children is believed to be preservable as long as this part of them can be cut away. It sort of lines up with the (not biblically provable, but certainly generally accepted) belief of the age of accountability.

As the story progresses, the church, not the Authority, continues to pursue those trying to defeat the Authority, killing when necessary (and it seems like it is necessary far too often, simply because they don't want their enemies to survive). When looked at altogether, it is definitely more an attack on the corrupt church (and who can disagree that we as people are corrupt and sinful, and if given too much power will abuse it, to the detriment of the world, rather than to its benefit?). Looking at it this way, then, shows us that such a series is more a warning against a too powerful corrupt church, the worship of an unworthy being, and our duty to prevent such an occurrence.

There is danger in the series, however. This danger lies largely in the fact that Pullman uses the name Christianity for his religion. He also uses strictly Christian terminology throughout the trilogy. The danger then is when people who are reading it do not know that he is not actually describing Christianity. The main audience for which this could pose a problem is of course children. However, that does not mean that no one should read it. There are a lot of good books out there that should be read but which would not be considered suitable for children (consider the majority of the Torrey cannon). In fact, Pullman did not originally write the trilogy for children, but rather aimed it at adults (many of the conversations and topics of discussion, even the way that things are worded, would go right over most children's heads). It was actually a move on the bookstores'/publisher's part to put it in the children's literature section.

Having said all of this, I think that the popularity and content of the trilogy makes it more necessary to read, rather than less, if for no other reason than that as Christians it is necessary to know what the world reads in order to have an answer for it.

around and around and around...

2011-04-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

In high school, if someone pissed me off enough, I got super mad and completely wrote them off. I lost a few friends this way, but once I was that mad, I didn't care anymore. Enough was enough and I was done. Now, for some reason, I'm finding that I am doing the opposite. While I'm not in very much contact with certain people, I'm finding it difficult to completely write them off. I take it, and take it and take it, and for some reason all I can think of is where they are coming from, and why they are doing what they are doing, and instead of letting go, and moving on with my life, I'm holding on, and to someone who doesn't even want me to, at least not at this point. I almost wish for the bitterness and anger because at least then I wouldn't continue to hope for things to get better. I seem to be stuck in the extremes. Either I've blown my top and want nothing to do with you, or I'm a doormat who won't stop making excuses for you. I want the middle ground :(.

Good Friday

2011-04-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

"But He was wounded for our transgressions, he waqs bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and by his stripes, we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

I went to Calvary's Good Friday service tonight, and while I was there, I had a thought hit me. How often do we take for granted just how monumental Christs's death was? How often do we say, almost flippantly, that of course God loves us, Jesus died for us. Stop and think about that for a second. Jesus DIED for us. He didn't just die, He endured torture, the worst kind of torture, so that we, worthless sinners that we are, could live with Him forever. The pain that He endured was unspeakable, and yet even though he did not want to go through with it, even though he asked that the cup might pass from him, he still said, in humble submission to God's will, "not my will, but yours be done."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that while Jesus was willing to die for me, I am not very often willing to live for Him. In my human fallen-ness, I trust myself more than I trust him. My lack of faith is pitiful given what he did for me. He does not ask for much, just that I trust in him. His yoke is light and easy to bear, yet so often I discard it for the heavier burden of trusting myself.

God, forgive me for my lack of faith. Help me Lord, to trust in you, for that is truly a life well lived. Help me to keep my eyes focused on you, rather than on the turmoil of the waves around me. Truly did Jesus say "Oh you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" Lord I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

frustrations leading to determination

2011-04-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

I seem to have the problem of not being satisfied with my life, but not knowing what I need to do in order to be satisfied with it. This dissatisfaction seems to be coming from the belief that I am doing nothing with my life. I look at my friends, and yes, I compare myself to them. Either they are in relationships that are leading to marriage, or they have a pretty clearly defined goal for their education, but any way I look at it, I feel stuck. I don't like my major, I wish I had picked something else that would have been more beneficial job wise. I dislike both of my paid jobs because all either one does is stress me out and make me afraid that I'm going to get fired. I like my internship, but don't know how beneficial it will be long term. (I can see the possibilities of the benefits long term, but there is no guarantee that it will work out according to it's possibilities).

Then I realized something. My greatest desire is to use my ASL training as a ministry to deaf people. What is stopping me from doing that right now? I have a church that is suing me as an interpreter, and have heard the other leaders say many times that they wish they were taking sign language classes so they could have basic communication with the girl I interpret for. A few weeks ago, I had a couple of little girls ask me how to say things in sign so they could talk to her and ask her to be friends. The other day, a friend of mine asked me to consider teaching her some sign so she could use it at church (she decided to go to the community college for it instead because she'll get a better education from them, but still). All of this has made me realize that there is no reason why I can't start a deaf ministry at my church. I am a member now, and as basic as it was, the class I took at Immanuel in high school was a lot of fun, and really helpful. So why not? (I also just e-mailed one of the Biola professors about maybe getting a deaf ministry started on campus.) I can live my dream right now, without waiting for further training, because I'm not getting paid for this. Something is better than nothing, and I think I can pull it off.

Focusing on the positive

2011-04-15T04:40:00.000-07:00

The good things:
I like my new roommate, as least so far :)
I'll be working with Lauren on Saturdays at Ivy
I got accepted to the Metatorrey :D
I am doing a paper project this semester, instead of the paper
I get to watch movies as part of my Torrey notes
I like my church
I have at least two friends now at school, one of which I have lunch with on a
weekly basis
I have friends at church, one of which I sit with during the first service so I
don't have to sit by myself, and who I also have lunch with on a weekly basis
I have plenty of jobs, so all the bills get paid
I like my internship
I have a car that gets good gas mileage so I can do all the driving I need to, and
sometimes a little bit more

God is good, God is good, God is good.

Conversations with God

2011-04-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years, I have noticed that when I pray, the answer usually comes immediately in the form of a voice inside my head. It actually started when I was at CSUN, when it told me to transfer to Biola. Since then I have heard it tell me to stay at Biola, even though I didn't want to, to pursue Gallaudet and ASL, to not quit working at the YMCA, to not pursue a job at Disneyland, and whacked me upside the head for trying to go somewhere else to pursue God instead of using what he had provided me with already. Today, I argued with this voice, because it was not giving me the answers I wanted. Instead of giving in, it just said "trust me." That is one thing I have a very difficult time doing, but there's no point in praying, getting what I think is an answer, and then ignoring it because I like my plan better. It's a process, but I think one that will turn out for the best, especially because the voice does not seem to be misleading me. I think it's the voice of God answering my prayers and guiding my decisions. Lord help me to follow your direction, cuz it sure is hard.

Relationships

2011-03-31T22:32:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have a really hard time making friends, and once I have them, I have an even harder time holding on to them. The only one's I've managed to keep around are the ones that are far away from me or so busy that I don't see them very often (the closest ones are 15 miles away and the few people that I spend time with at school I only see a few times a week in class). I was really excited about the new girls that moved in to the apartment because the first one I seemed to really hit it off with. Then the other one moved in, and for a while everything was good. They still aren't bad, but the friendship I had with the one dwindled in favor of spending time with the other girl, and I feel like the odd man out. Again. I don't understand. I didn't do anything this time. I even put out a lot of energy to spend time with them so that I would not alienate myself from them. Yet somehow, I feel once again, like the one everyone tolerates, and no one really wants to spend a lot of time with. What I want is to feel like I have a life out here.

I joined Calvary, and I'm gonna try out one of their LifeGroups this week, but right now I feel like my life consists of simply running from one activity to the next (my schedule currently consists of roughly 30 hrs of work/week between my two jobs and the internship, on top of 16 units). I miss having a real connection with people. All I really want is a few people that I can get close to, people that are my family away from family. I don't understand why this is so hard. It wasn't in high school, but it sure is now.

Improvements

2011-03-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

I am now "unofficially" a member of Calvary Church Santa Ana. :D All that's left is for the Elders to approve my application. I'm really happy about this. The last few days I have been getting up really early (like this morning I got up at 7, yesterday at 530, Friday at 430, and Thursday at 5). I actually really like the way my schedule is turning out. For the first time since October I went to the early service before I had to be at kids church at 1030. While getting up early has been difficult, and makes me really tired around 5 pm or so, it also makes it easier for me to gets tuff done during the day, and I really appreciate having my evenings now :).

I also realized something today. I was sitting in the sanctuary, and it just kind of hit me. I have been thinking and planning about all of this cool adventure stuff to pursue when I graduate, mostly with the intent of growing my walk with God, and I have been completely ignoring those resources that I already have. It felt lie kthe voice in my head was telling me "I have provided you with so much, I am caring for you, and all you want to do is leave it all behind. Be satisfied for once and stay where I have put you." This also made me think about why I am at Biola.

When I decided to transfer, it was mostly because I got accepted to Torrey. When I thought I didn't get accepted, I wasn't sure if I should look more seriously into Masters, which would have left me in the CSUN area. Then, when I found out three days later that they changed their minds and I was in, all thoughts about staying in the area went out the window. Now, after the constant struggle I have gone through to do well, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that they want from me, I wonder if God had them change their minds, not because it's so all fired important that I am in Torrey, but because it's important for me to be in Orange County. God knew that I woukd not transfer without that acceptance, so He caused it to happen.

That's not to say that I should not be in Torrey, because it's still an amazing program that's giving me a great education. I just think that everything recently has pointed more to Orange County than to Biola. From my internship lately, to interpreting for Amber, as well as the possibilities I know are available for furthering my ASL interests, it does not seem like I am not where I am supposed to be. Things are getting good again (sort of, I'm still struggling to connect with people, but now I'm so busy that it's not as big a deal :P) and I'm looking forward to what God has in store for the next year :).

today was amazing :)

2011-03-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

For the first time in a while, I've been awake since 530 am took my energy pills (without them making me sick!) and actually have ENERGY. I hung out with Lauren at Fashion Island, which I haven't been to in a very long time (the only trip I remember was when I went with Libby, Gabe, and friends after a trip to the beach (the only thing I really remember about the trip was that I got my shorts wet, so I wore an extra pair of board shorts that Lindsey had, but which were far too large, so I had to tie them to my t-shirt, which created a need to leave my sweatchirt on, regardless of how warm it got :P) It was fun. We went to the Apple store where they took my malfunctioning ipod (it wouldn't turn on) and gave me a completely new one, even though I was a month past my one year warranty. Needless to say, I am quite happy with their customer service. :) All in all a fun day. I am now tired, however, and think I'll go to bed soon. Tomorrow is church and homework day :D (crossing my fingers for another day like today. :D)

Dear Lord...

2011-03-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

If you could suddenly make about $500 appear in my bank account so that I could get a new computer, I would really appreciate it. Mine still works, but it's old, slow, and getting worse. A new one that is fast and reliable would be super nice. Thank you.

First day

2011-03-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

I had my first day at my internship yesterday. It was a lot of fun :) I got to read through a case file, which was super interesting, and then photocopied it. That was it :) quite easy really. One thing that really surprised me was that when I was sitting in the office, one of the paralegals came in and said hi, then asked if I was an Attorney. :D Her next guess was intern, but she assumed I was in Law School, and asked if I was taking the bar in December when I graduate. I've had my age mistaken before, but never as older than I am. It's nice to know that when I dress in business clothes I look like an adult :).

update

2011-03-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

for those of you interested, I got the internship at the law firm :) I start tomorrow at 10. It was a really relaxed interview. All we did was talk for a few minutes, during which I found out that he (the main lawyer at the firm I'll be at) is a Christian. Once he found out a little bit about me, he just asked when I wanted to start :) It's not paid, but since I have more hours at the YMCA now, I'm not worried about having the gas to get down there. All in all, it looks like things are working out quite nicely, praise God. :)

Answered prayer

2011-03-19T20:45:00.001-07:00

Over the last few weeks, there have been some stressful situations in my life. There have only been three girls in my apartment, and money got really tight due to an unexpected car repair (little stuff, but there was quite a bit of it, and it needed to get fixed). Normally, I would have been freaking out about it, and stressing about how I was going to pay for it. Not this time. I just had peace that everything would work out. As of today, I have 12 scheduled hours of work every week at the YMCA, and, assuming her credit gets approved, we have a girl moving in in the next few days :). Prayer works. :D

internship

2011-03-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

I got an interview for an internship/volunteer position (I don't which, they didn't say) at a law firm in Fountain Valley on Monday morning :D pray it goes well.

meant for evil

2011-03-13T00:39:00.000-08:00

Over the last few months, there has been an extreme accumulation of drama in my life. It finally came to a head last week, and while I am sad that things turned out the way they did, I do feel a sense of relief. The situation has actually given me the strength to finally, completely, separate myself from a bad situation. I no longer feel the need to be cautious of my actions as they might upset someone who doesn't need any more turmoil. I finally feel free to do exactly what I want with my life. Satan meant it for evil, but God truly turned it into good. :)

bad idea

2011-03-12T20:15:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, my idea of giving up visual media for Lent has quickly become a very bad idea. Instead of just giving me more time to focus on activities I should be doing, it has made me anti-social. Since this is a problem in general that I must constantly fight, I sure don't need any help in making it worse. :P The problem is that both of my roommates love to watch movies/tv. In fact, if there is downtime, that's probably what they are doing. This has lead to me hibernating in my room to avoid seeing the tv, because I know of no other way to follow through on this particular Lenton principle. Therefore, I'm switching :D. Superfluous internet surfing has also become a bad habit, and since I cannot say that I am completely giving up the internet (due to my internet classes and the fact that most of my contacts with school related things happen through e-mail) i will instead give up that part of the internet. Essentially it just means that instead of surfing the internet late at night, I'll (hopefully be sleeping). Basially, what I'm trying for is some kind of balance, because I have a tendency to allow time wasters to be far too much of a focus. I'm trying to get rid of them. So, new goal: give up unnecessary internet activity. :)

Unshackled!

2011-03-09T23:31:00.000-08:00

I found broadcasts of Unshackled! online! I'm so excited. I haven't listened to this since I was a kid. In case you're interested, the website is : http://www.oneplace.com/search/?q=Unshackled&r=home. Also, if you want it on the go, itunes has it available as podcasts. enjoy! :D

Student voting limited?

2011-03-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

I just read an article on Yahoo! that said the Republicans were going to try to put in place certain restrictions on student voting because "students just vote their feelings." (the point of the article was to say that Republicans were trying to reduce the democratic vote by not allowing college students to vote in a state unless either they or their parents had permanent residency there, among other things. The reasoning was the previous quote by the House speaker that students only vote liberally because that's what students do. They don't have life the life experience of adults to make informed decisions. you can read the full article here) I'm really hoping this was a misrepresentation of what the House speaker said, but I can't find any conservative based articles on it. Can someone help me out here? (On a side note, it was really hard for me to find information from conservatives on the recent ruling to eliminate federal funding for Planned Parenthood too. Are issues like this just not of that much concern to the conservative side or something? It seems like a pretty big deal to me.)

Lent (take 2)

2011-03-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

Last year was the first year I ever thought about observing lent. (I say thought about because I never actually gave up that extra hour of sleep in favor of going to chapel :P) In an effort to replace bad habits with good ones, this year I think I'm going to give up all forms of t.v./movies that I am not required to watch (I say those I am not required to watch because this semester a fair amount of my homework includes watching movies based on the books I'm reading and comparing the screen writer's interpretation to my understanding of the book). I have been staying up late to watch them, and have used them to procrastinate on my homework. I also have a lot of unread novels, as well as unread non-fiction books sitting on my shelf that it would be far better for me to do instead of vegging in front of the t.v. Therefore, as of Wednesday, not only will I be off of Facebook (a project that started last night) but I will also be separating myself from my media addiction :P. I'm actually excited about it :D.

Memories

2011-03-03T01:30:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately about my ability to remember things, and I really find it fascinating. The smallest details, or the most inconsequential things get stored in my brain, and sometimes I wonder what the selection process is.

For example, I remember when I was 5, my family went on vacation to Oregon, and while we were at the beach there, Libby and Gabe were rolling this big log in the water with some of the older kids. My parents actually asked my why I wasn't out there with them (I was jumping the waves in the shallowest part of the water) and I responded that I was afraid of getting sucked out by the undertow. That is my earliest conscious memory of fear of the ocean, but I am afraid of it, and have been for as long as I can remember.

Another good example would be the contrast between A Tale of Two Cities and A Beautiful Mind. I first read A Tale of Two Cities in the sixth grade. The only reason I know this is because I ruined Gabe's copy of the book I was borrowing by spilling water all over it on the way home from softball practice and had to buy him a new one. :P However, all I remembered of the story was that there was a guy who liked to lick rust off of his fingers, that Charles Darnay (I didn't remember his name) had to undergo two trials, and that a man who could have been his twin gave his life for him in the end.

Now contrast that to A Beautiful Mind (which I just finished watching for the second time ever, the first being with Libby shortly after it came out on DVD). I remembered the entire plot of the movie and even several of the smaller points in between. What's even more interesting is that I remembered the questions I asked about the movie at the time (I didn't understand how the doctor could be real since he seemed to be working with the "Russians" so I asked how he knew to help John. Libby's response was that he must have just been in the audience and saw the way that John was acting) I also remember Libby saying that once she knew the ending, she wondered who pushed the desk out of the window when Charles first shows up as John's roommate.

I could continue with the examples, but the point I'm trying to make is that my memory seems to be at least sort of selective, but not consciously so. I didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on any of these incidents, I just remember them. Somehow though, even those things that I do dwell on, like the Awana verses I learned growing up, dissipate after a while. I still remember a fair amount of them, but now I forget the references, or I can only remember a phrase, or the gist of what it was trying to say. Why is it that I can remember conversations with no trouble, but those things I spent hours memorizing slowly slip from my memory?

The only real conclusion I have been able to come up with is that it is due to some sort of emotional connection or other. In the beach example I gave, there was a strong element of fear. With A Tale of Two Cities, I remember what happened to the book because I was upset that I messed up Gabe's copy (I even remember trying to fix it, by putting a dictionary on top of it to fix the warping, at Mom's suggestion, but then the cover got torn because in the drying process it stuck to the table) and remember the parts of the story that I do more because I remember my reaction to them than anything else. With the movie, I think it was just the feeling of connectedness as a family that stuck with me. Whatever the cause may be, however, it seems that my memory works on an emotionally selective basis.

I have no real amazing ending to this, I just thought it was interesting that I remember those things I react to or connect to. :P

Planned Parenthood

2011-02-23T01:14:00.000-08:00

So I got tired of hearing all the negative comments on the House decision to end the federal funding of Planned Parenthood, and did some of my own research on it. For those of you completely horrified that Republicans could make such an "uninformed" decision as to end health care funding for those who can't afford it, do you know WHY? It's because of the video that was released a few weeks ago, and not just the one, but SEVERAL videos showing roughly the same thing from all across the country. I understand that they don't use federal funds for abortions, but if they're helping out those involved with sex trafficking, and using federal funds to do it, then shouldn't their funds be revoked for that? Planned Parenthood does provide health care for those in need, but so do a lot of other places. Why do they HAVE to keep their funding? why can't the money they're losing go to some other organization that won't abuse it?

Priorities

2011-02-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

As you can read here, today was quite productive. I'm really proud of how much I got done :) The thing that bothers me, however, is that the only reason I got up and got stuff done was because I absolutely HAD to. You see, if I had not gone to my appointment with the health center, I would have had to reschedule, and then that would have made it far more difficult to get all the rest of my Cambridge paperwork done.

The issue, then seems to be not how organized I am, but my priorities. If I deem it as really important, then I will get up for it. A good example of this would be work versus class. I have had morning classes before, but rather than stick them out, I skipped a whole bunch, then just dropped the class (with my ASL classes that is), whereas whenever I had a super early work shift I got up and went to it, because duh, if you miss class or drop it, it's not that big of a deal. you can always go back and take it some other time. If you miss a work shift, however, you get in MAJOR trouble, and quitting because I don't like the shifts I have would be dumb because it's hard to find a job and even harder to find one you like decently. I do not skip classes that I see as super important though (For example, I have never skipped a Torrey session just so that I could sleep in. I'm pretty sure that's the only class I have never done that with though)

So what is the difference? Well, I desperately wanted to be in Torrey, so screwing it up after trying so hard to get accepted would be stupid. Also, you can't pass Torrey if you skip classes, whereas most other classes I don't respect enough to worry about. I can pass them, and do so with good grades for the most part, even not showing up. I guess maybe it's a pride issue, but in my way of thinking if I can get good grades without showing up why should I? I'm obviously not learning anything in that class when I do show up because otherwise I wouldn't get good grades even though I am absent a lot.

This raises the question, then, what is important? What should I respect enough to deem it worthy to get up in the morning for it? Apparently this is something I need to figure out, or maybe not. Maybe the answer should be that it doesn't matter if *I* think it worth my time and attention, I am asked to be there, and the mature adult thing to do is to be there. *Sigh* being an adult is so difficult sometimes... :P

some day

2011-01-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

On my way back from my tutoring orientation today I saw a dog that looked remarkably like Patches. The owner was even walking him with the use of a halti. One day I'll have another dog. For now I can scan old pictures and cherish the memories I have.

sometimes I just need to be reminded

2011-01-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

that I am human.

Abb(e)y traits

2011-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

During our conversations over the last few weeks, my roommate Abby and I have decided that there are some things which must just be an "abb(e)y" thing (I put the E in parentheses because her name does not have an e, just to clarify). Here they are for your viewing pleasure :D

1) staying up waaaay late (as in after 2 am late)
2) sleeping in ridiculously late as a result of staying up way too late (she sleeps about as late as I
do :P)
3) using sleep as a means for escape
4) have I mentioned how much we love to sleep? :P
5) a love for Lord of the Rings (apparently she had a "shrine" built to it in high school :P)
6) past crushes on Hayden Christensen (for those of you who don't know the name, he was
Anakin on Star Wars)

that's it for now, but I'll come back and add more as they arise. :D

Daddy

2011-01-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

I've had a few conversations with people lately where they commented on my determination to do things, to push through even when I don't like what it is that I'm doing. One of them had to do with my job, and how it's stressful working and going to school at the same time and how it's not a great job anyway, so why do I do it? My response was because it's a job, and it pays the bills. It's not so bad that I can't handle it, and it's the responsible thing to do. They're response to that was, that's just you isn't it? I said, no actually, that's my Dad. I had a great example growing up of what it means to be a mature adult, and how sometimes you have to do what you don't like in order to care for yourself (or in Dad's case care for his family). It doesn't matter that you don't like it, you just do it. It's the same with school. More than one person has asked me why I continue to push myself and fight for something that I don't really want. My response is always that at this point, it's the responsible thing to do. I'm not happy, but God put me here for a reason, and I'm so far along now that to leave and go somewhere else would just be a huge waste of my parents' money. So, I continue to push through all the stress and frustration because I believe God placed me here for a reason, and because it's the responsible thing to do. I do the responsible thing because that's what adults do, and I know that because of my Dad. :)

learning curve

2010-12-22T03:05:00.000-08:00

Well, now that I have the bitterness off my chest :P I think I can try to look at this semester slightly more positively. Hopefully. :P How to describe everything that has happened...it was crazy, stressful, and depressing, but I think I did come away with some positive experiences. It started out pretty good, with Alex coming home from Alaska, but that only lasted about a month before things got really bad and I broke up with him. Work also started out really good, with a solid 20 hours a week, but that was also short lived, as my scheduled work hours dwindled down to 3. I was able to make up for it by taking other people's shifts however, and that was obviously a gift from God, because I was able to get more hours by picking them up than I had originally been scheduled (at least when I had 8 1/2 hrs). The stress caused by an unpredictable work schedule was hard, but I did learn that I could survive on 4 hours of sleep and tons of coffee. :p

I also learned of the compassion of some of my professors (or so I think, I don't actually have my grades yet). I had bronchitis for a month, so I missed several classes, but one professor allowed me to do extra credit, as well as to re-do an assignment. Hopefully this will put me at a passing level. In addition to that, I learned that the world does not come to an end when you break up with someone. Yes it was hard, but I realized afterward that I had been relying on him far too much anyway. I was not looking to God, and I was not even making an attempt to connect with people in Orange County (not that that is necessarily a bad thing, but I was essentially shooting myself in the foot, since that's where I'm living until I'm done with school). I learned that I was really not ready to be in a relationship, as much as I wanted it.

One of the hardest things to learn, of course, has been in the last week when I got my Torrey grade. In general I base a lot of my self esteem on my grades, my Torrey grades in particular, since that is the whole reason that I am at Biola. To me, getting a B, and being told that it was because I worked way below my potential (which to me translates to "you're just being lazy. Stop goofing off and you'll do better) is a blow that is really hard to get over. I went from sobbing, to mad, and now I'm just confused. I really don't know what to do because I feel like I am doing the best I can under the circumstances, but they are saying that that is just not enough. They want 100% of 100%, but so do all my other classes, and so does work. I only have 100% to give, so where does that leave me? If all I have to give is 100% of 30%, then that's all I have to give.

At this point I feel like God is trying to tell me to let go. To learn to lean on Him. After all, that's the only reason I can come up with for why I first lost my friends,, then my dog, then my boyfriend, then my good grades. It feels like everything is slipping through my fingers. And maybe that's the point. I really have no control over anything anyways, so I should just stop trying to control and let God run things. That's really hard to do, because I like having a plan and knowing what's going to come next. I like running the show because then there are no surprises and my life is comfortable. Maybe that is the big lesson behind all of this (and I have to find one because otherwise I think I will remain bitter about the hell I went through); maybe all I need to do is stop worrying about tomorrow, and focus on today instead. God will handle everything, and I'll be happier when I let Him. It's a tough lesson to learn, but it seems to be an important one because God is not letting me go without learning it.

With that in mind then, I think my only plan needs to be to focus on God. I don't need to worry about finances, or grades. I need to be responsible about it, but He will provide, and the future will take care of itself. God help me to make you the center of my life this semester. I don't want to go through another semester like the last one.

because I'll never really say it in person.

2010-12-22T02:53:00.000-08:00

Dr. Vincent,
I don't even know where to begin. I feel like this last semester was so difficult and trying to talk to you about it was like trying to talk to a brick wall. Each time I tried to explain the amount of stress I was under, in the hopes that you would have some advice on how to organize things, or a way to work with me, I was told that personally you commiserated with me, but academically I needed to suck it up and deal with it, and if I couldn't I was going to get a B. You told me at the beginning of the semester, when I specifically made office hours to work on my notes, that unnecessary, there was no point, but then told me that they weren't good enough. It wasn't until after I pushed the issue (and cried about my confusion) that you finally gave me some clearer instruction (but not until after I only had 2 sets of notes left, so at that point it didn't do me a whole lot of good anyway). At Don Rags you told me that I did a really good job on the make-up assignment for Coleridge, then asked me why I never did that well on anything else (and then refused to believe me when I told you that it was because of the nature of the assignment, that all I did was copy the example that was given to me with the correct information, so it really wasn't anything more than filling in the blanks). On top of that you told me that because I did so well, I showed you that I was capable of far more than I was doing, and therefore you could not give me a good grade on the rest of my work. Thank you for punishing me for doing well on an assignment.

You also told me that because I got the ideas of Kant and Schleiermacher (the two hardest books we've read so far by the way) wrong that I obviously didn't learn anything this semester, and because of all of this put together, I did indeed deserve a B. I don't know what else you want from me. You have made it quite clear that doing the work and making the effort is not enough, that I have to have a passion for everything that we read, and apparently expect me to spend as much time on my four unit semesters as I did on my twelve unit semesters. (You told me as much when you said that now that I don't have twelve units anymore, I should have plenty of time to really focus hard on the quality of my work.) Apparently you don't understand the concept of other classes or working 20 hours in a week. So, thank you for making me feel like a lazy brat who is simply trying to sail her way through by doing as little as possible, and thank you for the panic attacks that your expectations resulted in.

Sincerely,

The Power of His Name

2010-08-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to think about why you have a bad attitude about something? Maybe you're having a bad day, or maybe you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever it is, sometimes bad moods seem to come along for absolutely no reason. I thought about this lately, and realized that they are in fact forms of satanic attack. I'm serious. While I was in England, there were some days when I couldn't stop questioning; why this? well what about that? which inevitably resulted in me not being able to really enjoy those days. Then one day, I thought, why am I asking what if? What if will not change things when I get back home. The situation is what it is, so I can learn to deal, or I can be miserable. Of course, as soon as I had decided that whatever outcome I was questioning I would be satisfied with, I started questioning it again. That's when I decided to try something. I said "Satan, in the name of Jesus, leave me alone!" (I was pretty angry at this point because this particular round of questioning was happening during a play we were watching and I wanted to enjoy it) you know what? the questions stopped, and a feeling of joy, like I've never felt before, filled me. I was happy. Not just content, but truly joyful. It was a wonderful feeling. Since then I've tried it on several other occasions, when I seem to get angry at something for no apparent reason, or when I'm just moody for no real reason. It works every time. It's not magical or mysterious, it is, plain and simple, the power of Jesus' name.

Square one...

2010-08-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

One of the things I have the hardest time dealing with is losing friends, especially if it seems like it is because they've simply decided they don't wanna hang out with me anymore. The loss of friends was the reason why I transferred from a private christian school in high school to a public school. It is also the reason that I do not allow a lot of people to get close to me, because so far it has seemed inevitable that they will walk away sooner or later, no matter how hard I fight to keep them around. When I decided to transfer from CSUN to Biola, it was the hardest decision I've ever made. This is because for once I was walking away from those who were my friends. I didn't stop being their friend, but removing myself from their proximity made spending time with them rather difficult. :P I made the change because I believed that Biola was the better school, and that this was where God wanted me to be.

I still believe this, but it's getting harder and harder to remind myself of that fact. Last spring I sort of lost the two closest people I had out here(sort of because we are still "friends" I just don't hang out with them outside of class anymore...it's a complicated situation) When I came back this semester, I had mostly reconciled myself to this fact, and worked on making my schedule as packed as I possibly could without losing my sanity so that I wouldn't spend too much time alone in my apartment. Also, I was still friends with a girl in Huntington Beach. Not ideal, but close enough to be doable, so I could always hang out with her if I got too lonely. That changed tonight. We had a long conversation about it, but the result was we aren't friends anymore. Interestingly enough, while hurtful, it wasn't quite as devastating as I thought it would be. I cried some yea, but I'm feeling okay about it now. I think this is because God wants me to move on with my life.

In the past, rejection such as this would leave me angry and bitter at them for, sometimes, years after the fact. But I'm not angry, and I'm only a little bit hurt. I'm wondering if maybe, I'm starting to see my worth apart from what other people think of me. This is a good thing. :) (That and my schedule is still gonna be crazy busy, so I won't have a lot of time alone anyway) Slowly, over the last 6 months I have lost (even if only temporarily) a lot of those in my life that I primarily got my feelings of love and acceptance from. (I had the fight with friends at school, Alex left for Alaska, Patches died, and now this) There are really only two ways I have been able to look at this and make any sense out of it, and both are encouraging, to an extent anyway. Either it's satanic attack, trying to make me leave the position that God has placed me in by making me feel as alone as possible, or it's God trying to get my attention by removing that which I turned to instead of Him. If it's Satanic attack, then I must have him pretty scared :P; if it's God trying to get my attention, well then maybe I should listen. :P So we're back to square one, and this time, I think instead of worrying about not having friends and getting depressed, I'll spend my free time (what little of it there is) with God, and let Him bring into my life the people that He wants there.

On being an introvert

2010-08-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have long thought of myself as an introvert, but in the last few years I've had so many people tell me otherwise that I wasn't sure. Then I recently had it explained that being an introvert has nothing to do with how well you like people (which is what I was told, if I don't like spending a good amount of time alone, then I must be an extrovert) but more with how much energy is gained by being around people. I am consistently exhausted by spending time with people, specifically if it is a large group. One or two I can usually handle ok, certainly far better for far longer than a larger group (large being anything more than 3 usually). Thus the conclusion that I am, indeed, an introvert.

Seeing myself this way also explains a few things about myself. I have also, for a long time, felt socially awkward, unable to do or say the right thing if I was in a larger group, thus resulting in my silence (and therefore my dislike of large gatherings). I even beat myself up for it a few times, wondering what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just act like everybody else? When I talked with one other person I was fine. There were no issues about me saying the wrong thing, or anything like that. I figured maybe it was just a desire for attention, the need to say something so that others wouldn't forget about me, but that didn't really seem to fit either since I can quite happily sit in a corner with my nose in a book for hours on end with no desire to talk with anyone else at all.

The same person who explained to me that being an introvert does not mean you would prefer to be a hermit also explained that the issues I seem to have socially in large group settings are simply because I'm an introvert. It's natural for introverts to not relate well to lots of people because they aren't MADE to relate well to lots of people. Do you know how happy that made me feel? It means there isn't anything "wrong" with me. There is nothing for me to "fix," it's ok that I sometimes say something that seems to come from left field because introverts trying to become extroverts just creates a big mess anyway. It's also ok that I like to read, prefer reading to spending time socializing in a large group. It's just me, and there's nothing wrong with that :D

Love your enemies

2010-07-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a christian home, I was taught all the basic beliefs of Christianity. Most of them made sense, but one I had a really hard time agreeing with was "love your enemies." I began to think about it the other day, and I realized the reason I had a hard time with it is because I was looking at "love" the wrong way. I had always taken it to mean, in this case anyway, that to love your enemies meant you had to like them. You had to *shudder* be friends with them even. Well, I didn't want to be friends with those who had hurt me. I wanted nothing to do with them. So I wasn't going to love them. Then I realized, to love does not mean to like. I can love my siblings, but I'm not always going to like them, or get along with them. In fact, to like someone seems, to me anyway, to be the weakest form of love. To like someone is to appreciate them for their good qualities. To love someone is different. It is to take the good with the bad, and remain faithful anyways. In loving your enemies, you don't have to like them, you don't have to be friends with them. What is required, however, is a willingness to look at this person as a human being, to do for them what you would do for any human, to give them shelter when they are cold, food when they are hungry. It is to treat them with respect, and ultimately, to forgive them for their actions against you. A good example would be something I heard from the movie "The Interpreter." In an African village, if a man committed murder, he would be taken to the river, tied up, and thrown in. The family of the deceased then had the option of either allowing him to drown, or saving him. If he drowned, they had their justice, but if they saved him, they had the healing that comes with forgiveness. I think those who chose to save the drowning man were truly "loving their enemies." It's not an easy thing, but it is worthwhile.

RIP Patches

2010-07-05T22:55:00.000-07:00

I would have posted this sooner, but I wanted to wait till I thought maybe I could get through it without crying...nope...

Patches died on June 5th 2010. I wasn't there when my parents and Phillip and took him in because I was in England at the time, but they said it was very easy on him. He just went to sleep.

We had him for 12 years. He was crazy a lot of the time and only about half trained, but he was my best friend. He was always there for me when I needed him, and even when I didn't. He followed me around everywhere...I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom without him following me down the hall. He was my first dog that I really remember anything about. We had another dog when I was younger, but Patches was mine.

When was nine, almost ten years old, my mom finally told me that if I could do all my chores for a month without being asked, I could get a dog. When that month was up, I joyfully started looking through the greensheets and the classified ads in the newspaper, looking for the puppy that I wanted. Some friends of ours helped me out by showing me how to use the greensheets, and even doing some research on what kind of dog I wanted. After several weeks of looking, these same friends, who occasionally checked out the local animal shelters to see what kinds of animals they had, called my parents one night and told them that they had seen what looked to be a 6 month old puppy. He seemed to be very well behaved(the calmest in the kennel) and said we might want to take a look at him. The next day we went down there and there he was, as cute as could be. He didn't bark, or jump or anything. He SEEMED like a perfect angel. He went up for adoption that Saturday, and my dad went to go pick him up. Thus began our time with Patches.

The calmness didn't last more than week, and we soon had our hands full. He was lovable and calm as long as nothing new or exciting was happening, but anytime someone came home, or someone new came in the door, up he got that was that. One time he ran circles around the chair my dad was sitting in because he had so much energy he couldn't sit down. The high school students who met him when we had Bible quiz practice at our house nicknamed him "the psycho dog of death" :P

Another of his nicknames was Houdini. We found out shortly after we got him that if there was a hole somewhere, he would get out. He always came back, though. The day after we got him, we left him outside while we went to church and found the neighbor kids playing with him when we got back. He had gotten out through our fence to the school behind out house and found his way around to our street again. He was nothing if not smart. :) He even managed to figure out a way IN to our house when he was left outside while we were gone. That was the last time we left him outside.

He was my constant companion. It didn't matter where I went, he wanted to follow. When I was in Jr. High, my friend Lauren and I would take a day and spend it hiking in the foothills by my house. He got himself caught in some barbed wire once so I left him at home for a few weeks while his leg healed. Rather than laying under the coffee table in our front room(his usual hiding spot when we left) he sat at the window and watched me leave, howling all the while. He hated being left behind, so if it was possible for me to take him along, I did. I'm pretty sure the foothills were his favorite place to go. So much exploring to be done! Aside from the hikes, and the bike rides(oh the bike rides! he loved running next to me as I rode on my bike.) he also slept with me every night, right next to my bed. He wasn't allowed on the furniture, so he waited until everyone was asleep, then crawled up and laid down, sometimes at my feet, sometimes next to me. I remember one time he almost pushed me off the bed because HE didn't have enough room.

Throughout all the years, he never left me, never abandoned me, never rejected me. If I was crying, he was willing to let me use his shoulder, even though he didn't like it very much. He was my reading buddy and listening ear. He didn't care about anything as long as I was there, and he was GREAT at using his facial expressions to guilt trip me every time I left without him. He truly was my best friend. RIP buddy. I miss you.

hmmm...

2010-05-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in Sunday School yesterday, and after the lesson was over, a thought popped into my head. I'm gonna try to explore it a little bit here and see where it goes...

God is all knowing. He always has been and always will be. He knew that man would fall when He created Adam and Eve, so he created them with a plan in mind, that is, He created them knowing that their creation meant that Jesus would one day have to die on the cross to correct their mistake. Ok, fine, but something I hadn't thought about before was the creation of Lucifer. God made him, and in in making him, also gave him his status as most powerful angel. This means that when God created Lucifer, He also knew that Lucifer would be the one to tempt Eve to eat the fruit. So why create Lucifer? God could have created man with a free will, and made another angel that would not have fallen, or made Lucifer so that he would not fall. But He didn't. Instead He made everything. He was the one, essentially, who set things in motion for the fall to happen. Why? Because in knowing everything in advance, He could have made it otherwise. This sort of points back to a question I asked here about the possible good side of the fall. God could have, if He had wanted to, made everything different. But He didn't. It happened the way it did, and it seems like the biggest reason for that is His desire for us to know Him. He doesn't just want us to just know part of Him, or one side, but all of Him. This wouldn't be possible without the fall.

Now that makes me wonder though, knowing that God knew ahead of time what would happen when He created Lucifer and doing it anyway, if the fall was not just God turning a bad situation into something good, but necessary. He would not create us to be robots, and in order for us to have free will, we had to fall. That would mean that the fall in itself was good...responses on this one would be nice because I'm not sure how I feel about that, and I've run out of ideas :P

My prayer for you

2010-04-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

Father in Heaven,
you have given Alex a spirit of adventure. You have given him the desire to explore, and experience new situations. I know that going to Alaska is a great opportunity for him, and that it will be a great adventure. He also has the desire, Lord, to live as you want him to, to be able to support himself. This a good desire to have Lord, and again it seems as though going to Alaska is the best way to accomplish this goal. Knowing this Lord, I pray that you will make his trip to Alaska a profitable one, one that will grow him in You as a person. Lord give him the strength to stay focused on what he needs to do and to make the most he can out of this trip. Help him Lord to remain focused on You, and to do everything for Your glory. He can do all things through You who strengthen him Lord. Help him to remember this when things seem hard, and to run to You when the task seems impossible. Help him to be truly excited about this opportunity God, and help him to stay that way. :) Keep him safe and healthy Lord. Thank You God for Your provision, for your grace, and for Your mercy. Thank you that you know all things before they happen, and give us what we need when we need it. Thank you Lord for what you do in us and through us.
In your Name,
Amen

Lent

2010-02-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

While I do not attend a church that practices Lent, some of my family members do, and a lot of the kids in my Torrey group do. This makes it hard to go through the season of Lent without thinking about. Why is it such a big deal? does it really matter if you give something up for 40 days before Easter? While the technical answer is no(i.e. you won't go to hell just because you didn't observe Lent) the spiritual answer, I think, is yes. The reason for Lent is explained much better by one of my friends here (that may have gotten it from one of his, I'm not sure :P) anyway, what I got from reading this was that the practice of Lent is good for your soul. Or at least, it's supposed to be. It often comes across to those, like me, from a more evangelical background as just one more rule to follow, it seems a little legalistic. However, when you take the time to stop and think about what it can really do for you, the practice of not just giving something up because you have to, but because you want to, because Christ did and that's the least you can do, it makes more sense.

Thinking about it on these lines then raises the question, at least for me, why don't we do that more often? Aren't we called as Christians to give of ourselves, give up ourselves, in order to follow Christ? I think that far too often it seems too easy to give up and take the easy road. So, with this in mind, I think I might just give Lent a shot. I'm not giving something up just to say that I did it, but because it seems like it could have some real worth. So, while I am struggling to make everything in my life work together well, it seems that giving up a little bit more of that sleep I love so dearly would be beneficial. Not just to say that I slept less though. I also want to start regularly going to chapel in the mornings too. I know technically Lent started on Wednesday, but it doesn't hurt to start now :P God help me to drag my lazy butt out of bed in the mornings :P

Reflecting

2010-02-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today's Torrey session was on "King Lear". It was a good discussion, but it was also a Reynolds' led discussion, which made it even more enjoyable. The interesting thing was that we talked about being true to yourself. Most of the characters in "King Lear" do not know themselves, which is why the events unfold the way that they do. If Lear knew himself, and his position better he would not have tried to split up his kingdom. It turns out that Lear's daughter Cordelia is really the only one who truly knows herself, and she is married off to France for refusing to go along with Lear's idea.

In knowing yourself, you have to be willing and able to go to the extreme. There are two possible extremes, the good extreme and the bad extreme. Many of the world's leaders have gone to the extreme and found themselves, but have lost themselves along the way. Lennon was one such man. He killed many people and found out that he was a bloody tyrant. Cordelia, in "King Lear," on the other hand, went to the extreme, but the good extreme. She found herself and was made whole, rather than finding herself and losing some of herself in the process.

Happiness was something else we talked about. Not the fickle happiness that most people think about, but true happiness, joy. True happiness is finding the median, the average, it has to do with thriving in your circumstances, and not wishing for what you do not have. One person's average is not the same as another person's average, but it is your personal average that matters, not someone else's average.

That being said, the American culture thrives on "finding yourself." People say that if you can find yourself, you can be true to yourself, and thus be happy. What they do not realize is that because "finding yourself" requires a move to the extreme, it is not good to remain there. To find yourself is ok, but to focus too much on that, rather than on thriving where you are placed, will only bring dissatisfaction. Too much understanding is not necessary. Sometimes no understanding is needed, because the reasons behind something won't change the current situation, and could only bring about a longing for what is not. Reflecting is ok, but too much, or the wrong kind, is harmful.

Christmas

2009-12-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas is by far my favorite time of year. As a child growing up, it mean getting presents, and seeing all the pretty decorations, and listening to the music around the house. Christmas was a happy time of year, even if things hadn't been going to great. Now, as a grown up, I still love Christmas, but for different reasons. Instead of looking forward to getting gifts(which I do like, don't get me wrong :P) I like giving them even better. Knowing that I put thought into a gift for someone, and that it will make them happy to get it, makes me happy. This is the time of year that we celebrate Christ's birth, His willingness to give up everything He had in Heaven, so become a human child, to experience everything that we experience just so that in the end He could die, is such a wonderful act of love, I can't even begin to fathom it. I think is the real reason behind my love for Christmas. I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic, and to look at Christ's love for us is the best kind of love to get all warm and fuzzy over.

Even more than the gift giving, is the songs. The songs make Christmas what it is, it is the only time of year that we listen to this kind of music, and it all focuses on family, and love, and, in the case of the Carols, Christ's birth. How often, though, do we sing along with the songs, and forget what they're saying? I know that some of my favorites include Angels We Have Heard on High, and Hark the Herald Angels Sing. I know them so well that sometimes they just pop into my head. I even start humming them, but I almost never stop to think about what the words are saying.

Hark the Herald Angels Sing, for example. The first few lines say "Hark, the Herald Angels sing, glory to the newborn king, peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinners reconciled." God and sinners reconciled, all because this little newborn King came down to earth to be born in a manger. It blows my mind. The implications of Christ's act are beyond my understanding, honestly. He loves us, so He came to die for us. It sounds so simple, and yet He is GOD, He gave up EVERYTHING. Just so that we could live forever with Him, us, the people who screwed it up to begin with. His love is so powerful, so all encompassing, it's hard to see why He loves us so much, and yet He does. These songs contain such a powerful message, and yet in this day and age, they get glossed over, pushed aside while the radio's play the more enjoyable, "fun" Christmas music. Or almost worse than that, the songs get sung without any acknowledgment of what they are saying.

I realized...

2009-10-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

That I'm being ridiculous and pathetic. I have spent a lot of time this semester complaining about how hard everything is and focusing only on the negative, thinking about the good things at CSUN, and at home, how easy life was/could be if I wasn't at Biola. That's dumb, and I need to stop. I left CSUN because I believed, and still believe, that God wants me at Biola. If that is the case, then I need to focus on Him, rather than on everything that's not going the way I want it to. I'm not giving up, and that's a good thing, but couldn't I get a lot more out of the experience if I stopped dragging my feet about it and being miserable through it all? So I miss the fellowship at CSUN, who else's fault is it but my own that I haven't gotten involved in a church out here so that I could have that fellowship I miss so much? I tried to find a church at the beginning of last year, but then pretty much gave up and just decided that there's not a church like COC, so why bother? It's stupid and juvenile, and it needs to stop. Please forgive me for all of the complaining I've done on here(I think my last three or four posts have all been me whining :P) I'll try to be more positive in the future. :D

What I miss...

2009-10-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

In one of my meetings with Dr. Vincent (my mentor) I was again expressing my frustration with how difficult everything is for me, and how life would just be easier if I went home. Her response? Why home? What is it about home, and CSUN, and everywhere but here that makes me want to go there, rather than stay here and tough it out. I didn't think about it too much after that, but I think after my recent trip to CSUN's InterVarsity meeting I may have figured it out. There are a couple of reasons, I think that I miss CSUN, and since I don't see that as much of an option, I go for what is second best, home.

First of all, I realized that while I was at CSUN I had something to do at least a couple nights a week. I had the option of going to their Monday night fellowship(more like a youth group setting) and I always went to Bible study on Tuesdays. The people I got to know over the course of that year are amazing people, and I always had a blast spending time with them. On top of that, there was the occasional special event at Eddy's house where we all got together and played games, and had food, and just hung out. I loved it, all of it.

However, while being involved in IV allowed me to have something of a social life, that wasn't the best part. The best part was the fellowship with other believers, people who truly, deeply cared about heir relationship with God, and who enjoyed spending time getting to know Him more, and interacting with other believers. It is the fellowship that I miss most about CSUN. The fellowship, and people's attitudes about being Christians.

I think when I came to Biola, I expected to experience a similar atmosphere as that which I experienced in IV. The sad thing is, I haven't. At least not to the same extent. So far the people I spend time with have either been "elitist", or at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, that is, the kinds of people that couldn't care less about the rules.

I guess my point is that I'm disappointed. I love my "elitist" friends to death, and dont really spend much time with the other kinds of people, but I'm tired of feeling like there are no middle of the road Christians to spend time with, and I miss the feeling of connection I had with those at CSUN.

The reasoning behind my desire to go home is because I don't really see CSUN as an option. It's a close second to the fellowship I had and it gives me the option pursuing my ASL. I don't see CSUN as an option because I disliked the school so much. I'm not sure I would like going to a community college much better, but I still see it as a possible option because my mindset will have changed. Instead of going to school to get an education, I would be going to school so I can get a job. I suppose I could go back to CSUN with that mindset, but getting a four year degree seems to imply the wish for more of an education, rather than simply to get a job when I graduate. I guess it's the difference between trade school and otherwise. CC feels more like trade school to me, and the only reason I'm at Biola is to get a good education.

Because I have such a desire for a good education rather than simply so I can get a job, I guess I sort of feel trapped. I know I can't get an education like this anywhere else, so I deal with it, but that kind of explains, I think, why I've had such a hard time this semester, and it tells me what I need to fix. If it's fellowship I'm missing, then it's fellowship I need to work on.

Not your usual question raised by reading Calvin

2009-10-15T00:14:00.000-07:00

We are currently reading Institutes of the Christian Religion by John Calvin. We had one session on it today, and another on it tomorrow(in fact we have three more sessions total), so I was working on my notes for it this evening, and the section due tomorrow mostly deals with sin, that is, what it is, how it relates to us and our relationship with God, and so forth. As I was thinking about this, and interesting thought came to mind. I realized, and wrote in my notes, that because of sin we have an understanding of what sin is, what consequences our actions have etc. and this understanding is necessary because otherwise there would be a lot of people doing really bad things and thinking nothing of it, you'd have your criminally insane, essentially.

Now the question that came up at the end of the page, and thus why I'm writing about it here instead of in my notes is, because of this understanding that sin gives to us, do we also then have a better understanding of God's love for us? Could we understand how much He loves us if He hadn't sent His son to die for us? It seems counter intuitive, that God would allow us to sin simply so we would be condemned and need a savior to feel His love most fully, but at the same time, it is kind of hard to wrap my mind around God's love without Christ's death on the cross.

If such is the case, that is sin causing us to most fully feel God's love for us, then that means that the fall of Adam and Eve had good results, and not just bad ones. I am okay with that conclusion, but again, that means that sin is technically a good thing, and that I'm not okay with. Interesting dilemma...and I doubt it will actually get addressed in session. Oh well. :P

Processing...

2009-09-22T21:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start...I have all of these jumbled thoughts in my head, so this post may not make a lot of sense, because I kind of need to work things out...I feel like I'm all worn out, like I need to just take a break from life and check out for a while, like my spiritual life is dry, like I don't know what to do...we have a lot of reading to do this semester, and they're all great books, but the motivation to read them is gone, and I feel like I'm not getting from them what I should be getting...I feel like, I don't know, like I've hit a wall or something, I have so many things pulling me in so many different directions, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do...I love Biola, I love the friends I have here, and I love the education I'm getting. I love the fact that Disneyland is a cheap affordable activity, and I love that I have a car that gets amazing gas mileage so I can drive pretty much anywhere I want to for relatively cheap. :) I feel though, that with everything I like about where I am, I should be more happy, and I'm not. I feel bored most of the time, for no real reason, I have plenty of reading to do, but sometimes I just need a physical challenge, and I don't have access to that. I feel like I want to be done with school, or at least to have it be easier than it is, but the problem is, I had that, I was at a state school, and I still wasn't happy. When I had it easy, I wanted a challenge, and now that I have a challenge, I want it to be easy again. It bothers me that the one thing I thought for sure God was calling me to, that is to be an interpreter, I have no real passion for any more. I don't want to wake up and go to class, Torrey is the only thing that I do, and it bothers me that the only reason I do that is because I'm paying exorbetant amounts of money in order to do so, that and the fact that staying in Torrey means going to England next summer. But that's the thing, I could easily pay the same amount of money and take a trip to the UK for a few weeks if I wanted to, I don't have to be in Torrey to go there. And if I was at home getting a cheaper education, or not in school at all, I would have fewer bills to worry about, and more time to hang out with those I connected/re-connected with over the summer...then of course there is the fact that I miss being at COC. I loved that Church and I miss going there. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced before. I don't mind going to Immanuel, but COC was something else. For the first time I wasn't just going to church to see my friends, although I did have friends there, I was going because the teaching is amazing, and the community is just....I don't know, it's something else. Right now I'm feeling lost, and I'm trying to work my way back to God and work on my relationship with Him, but I feel so tired and worn out, I'm not sure I have the energy to fight anymore...right now I'm questioning whether or not I'm supposed to be where I am because life would be so much easier if I wasn't...it would be so easy to just give up and stop fighting for...anything. I felt at the time that I was accepted into Torrey that it was a "God thing" that He had made it abundantly clear that CSUN was ot where I was supposed to be, and Biola was. Shoot, there were 3 or 4 other people just in my group who didn't get accepted at first, but they had to fight for their acceptance, I didn't. Whoever it is that makes the decisions just changed their mind, without me saying anything. I didn't have to call them, or talk to anyone, I didn't have to DO anything, they just changed their minds. Now, I'm not doubting that at the time it was a "God thing" and He did work miraculously to get me accepted, but could that have changed? could it have been what I needed last year and not this year? I'm not saying I can't do it, because I know I can, but it's really hard when the motivation isn't there, and I feel bad because I'm not giving the books everything that I think I should be giving them...I don't know, but I feel better having written all of this out :P

COC how I miss thee...

2009-09-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

Listened to COC's message online tonight, and its got me thinking...I'll let you know when I figure it out :P

Will you please?

2009-09-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

School has been going well :) I'm staying on top of things so far, and not getting too stressed out (yet :P) Work is slowing down and becoming less stressful, and with fewer people in the park tempers are not as short, and I don't get yelled at as often, which makes for a more enjoyable shift. :) I like my roommate(she's pretty awesome, actually) and I've had no trouble re-connecting with Mark and Taty. Session is harder, but it's good for me. I have to really pay attention and focus, I can't let myself zone out and expect to be able to come back into the discussion and have anything important to say. I like it. :) The thing is, with as well as everything is going, I'm feeling discouraged. It is hard, so I have to work at it. I'm getting tired, and knowing that life would be easier if I just gave up and went back home doesn't help. The biggest thing is that of the people in my life I've heard a lot from those who don't agree with my decision, those who don't see the point in me being at Biola, or more particularly, involved in Torrey. I got to hear, on different occasions, just how much they wish I went to community college. and only focused on ASL. All they said regarding my education was that they think I can't do it, they think I can't succeed at Torrey, so why should I push myself, if all I'm going to do is fail? I haven't heard much from the other people,(except for Alex :P) and at this point, I kind of need a cheering section, because I'm starting to believe what I'm being told, that I should quit, that Torrey isn't for me, and that I should just go home.

I can't take this anymore...

2009-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of you telling me I can't do it, I'm tired of you saying it's not worth my time, that I'm gonna "crash and burn" if I stay there. I realize that you don't understand, that's it's hard for you to see the good in it, that you're worried about how I will turn out, but I can't keep explaining it to you. I need you to realize that just because something is hard does not make it not worthwhile, in fact, it is more worthwhile BECAUSE it is hard. I am not miserable, if I was I would leave, I left CSUN did I not? and I wasn't completely miserable there, just dissatisfied. I need you to trust my judgment, because I can't keep you over this. Having to fight with you is part of what you see as me being "miserable." You think I will just automatically change my mind because YOU don't think I should be there, you who live in a safety bubble and do all you can to stay there, you who can't make a decision and stick with it to save your life. Well, here's my final response: I won't do this anymore. I BELIEVE I AM WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE. I'm sorry you don't agree, but since you're not the one who's in the situation, then it really doesn't matter does it? So back off, and maybe I'll survive the semester.

way overdue...

2009-07-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry its taken me this long to get a post up about my off roading trip with Lauren, I just keep forgetting to do it. :P

A few weeks ago I took my friend Lauren off roading, to the same spot Alex took me to(I was very proud of the fact that I found it all by myself :D) everything went fine on the way in, and while we were there. We walked around in the creek for a while(a couple of hours to be exact, we were trying to find a swimming hole tht Mat and Alysha had mentioned, turns out that we passed it very early on and didn't even notice :P)

so here's a cool tunnel that we explored later, it just looked too inviting not to! :D

getting ready to head out down the creek

cool rocks and pretty scenery :)

you have no idea how much fun it was to climb that rock :) and what do you know, that's where the swimming place was...but we kept walking. :P

walking through the water...it was much easier than climbing on the rocks on the sides, but the stream bed hurt! Had to be careful cuz I kept falling :P

we decided to walk on the side of the creek on the way back...it went sooooo much faster! it took us 2 hours to get to where we stopped, swam a little and turned around, it took us 45 min. to get back!

Lauren like the catwalk/bridge :) it's kinda cool because there's water rushing on both sides so its pretty loud :)

Aaaaaand, like I said, we couldn't NOT explore the cool tunnel :) this is right before went inside.
We left right after this because it was around 1:30, and we had been there for about five hours at that point :P we were both pretty sunburnt...however, lest you think that the entire trip went without incident, we decided to do a little bit of exploring on side trails on the way back, and the result was...

a slightly stuck Simba. I had to call Mat and Alex to come pull us out. Sadly no pictures of the rescue party, but they got there after we had been sitting there for about three hours...interesting afternoon :P

4th of July

2009-07-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

For the 4th of July my Mom wanted us to have a big get together, and play softball, while celebrating both hers and Libby's birthdays. Originally we were gonna have another family join us, and do us against them, but that didn't work out. So we got up bright and early on Saturday morning and got ready for our get together. Everyone was there, Libby, Jon, Gabe, Emily, and all three little boys, Jonathan, Thomas, and Josiah. Shortly after they arrived we all headed down to the jr. High behind our house to play softball. We warmed up by playing catch, and Phillip hit some balls to us. The we all got a turn at bat. Gabe hit first, then me, Phillip, Dad, Emily, Little Jonathan, Thomas, Libby, and Big Jonathan. It was a blast! :D then we headed back to the house for a barbecue, and to open presents. The boys made flags later on too. Everyone helped out! Afterwards I left to go off roading with a group from the church. A couple of the guys went in together on a deuce (you know those army transport trucks? the ones with the canvas sides and jsut plank benches in the back? yea, one of those) so we all met on highway 38 and piled into the back, then headed up the trail. It was the cooelst thing, because it's so big, you don't feel the bumps at all. Felt an aweful lot like riding on the paved road, not kidding. We went to a fire lookout tower, and hung out till it got dark enough to see the fireworks. We were able to see at least 15, probably more like 20 shows all at once. Some looked like they might be as far away as disnyland. Thye aren't quite as impressice when they;re small like that, because we were so high, but it was still cool to be able to see so many at once and the sound lag between seeing them and hearing then was cool too. We left around 10 and got back down to the main road by 11. On both the way up and the way down we started singing songs. We sang tv show tunes, and veggietales, and disney songs. It was a lot of fun.

softball, warming up, helping hte little boys aroubd the bases, and relaxing afterward

craft time, making the flags, the finished product

the deuce and us with the deuce(it's a lot bigger close up :P)

pretty scenery from where we were. Isn't it gorgeous?

city lights(blurry cuz my camera wouldnt make them clear without the flash, and it wouldn't capture them at all with the flash), and the one firework I was able to get, cool huh?

Why I'm not a Psych Major

2009-07-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

Growing up, my role in my group of friends was "the comforter" I was the stable one, the one without problems, or at least with less problems than my friends had. Therefore, I was the one who fixed things, I made people feel better when they were having an off day, or a bad week. I was the counselor, of sorts. When I graduated high school I went to CSUN and became a deaf studies major. It was what I wanted, and CSUN was the easiest way to do it. Then I transferred to Biola, which doesnt have a deaf studies major, but I was so fed up with CSUN that at the time I was Ok with not being a deaf studies major anymore. My options then became Englsih, or Psych. I picked English but spent the entire summer thinking maybe I should have picked Psych, because of how things were with my friends in High school. I decided not to, but always kinda wondered, What If? Then I was at my friend's house the other day, and we were talking. It felt like High school all over again, she's having a hard time, and I was trying to make her feel better. Suddenly, I realized that I felt better too. Which was the exact same way things worked in high school. I would make my friends feel better, and in the process, I felt better about myself. In me taking care of them, it prevented me from having to focus on my own problems. It pusehd them to the back of my mind, so that I didn't have to deal with them. I realized that it was happening all over again. I had a hard time for most of the year at Biola, didn't really click with people until the end of the year. Even though I finally did, I tink the damage was done. I felt alone, again, and being able to make other people better rather than focus on how lonely I was doesn't help, it jsut postpones the inevitable. I am an emotional mess, and I'm not really dealing with it the right way. This is why I'm not a Psych major. I don't really enjoy fixing other people's problems for the sake of helping hte person, I enjoy it because it makes me feel better about myself, it keeps me from having to deal with my own problems, and it's selfish and pointless to try to take care of someone else when you can't take care of yourself.

Off roading with Alex

2009-06-14T22:09:00.000-07:00

Last week I went off roading with my friend Alex for the first time. He took me to Manzanita Flats (just below Running springs, he was going to take me to Hocum Valley, but it was too foggy to go that far.) and we got to walk around on the rocks next to the creek for a while. The scenery up there was beautiful. Lots of green trees and plants and waterfalls. We packed a lunch and had a picnic when we go there then went exploring.

All the pretty scenery on our walk along the creek before we stopped and headed back

I got cold, so he let me have his hat :)

Pretty creek on the way back to the truck.

Smile Alex :)

he let me drive on the way back to the highway! It was soooo much fun!

final waterfall before hitting highway 38.
I got to go again to the same spot later that night, but didn't have my camera and it would have been too dark for pictures anyway. Fun day. :)

Santa Cruz

2009-06-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Wow it's been a while since I posted. A couple of weeks ago I drove all the way up to Santa Cruz to see my friend Lauryl. We went to the beach the day I got there and just hung out. The beach was really pretty, and only a couple of blocks from the house her Grandma had rented for their vacation. I don't have pictures of the house, sadly, but I do have some of the beach.
Lauryl

pretty beach scenery

look at the pretty cloud formations :)

We also went to see star trek that night, and had dinner at a cool Mexican restaurant. The food was gorgeous!

carne asada quesadilla carne asada tacos

Due to the fact that I had to leave the next evening, we got up bright and early and headed out to find used books stores and thrift stores. As we were driving we saw this hair salon. I needed a picture of it :)

isn't the name just perfect?

Next we stopped at a doughnut shop. Lauryl is fascinated with them because apparently they don't have doughnut shops in either Virginia or Idaho. Go figure.

lets play with the food! :)

when we got to a consignment shop(basically an expensive thrift store) I found this AMAZING skirt, but didn't buy it, because I had already bought another skirt at the previous store.

pretty huh?

these shoes were just fun, but too small, no danger of buying these! :P

after we were done with consignment shops we went to lunch in a little cafe that was connected to a book store. They had such yummy sounding food!

mine was a pesto panini with Lauryl's was a walnut avacado salad
cheese and spinach type stuff pretty huh?

After lunch we went to a used book store. the book store had a copy of an Anne of Green Gables book that I needed to replace because Patches chewed up my copy several years ago. They also had the Jane Eyre movie, and No Reservations, as well as a cople of ASL books I'm pretty sure I'll need later for school. I was super happy. :)

When it was time for me to leave we took a couple of pictures outside her house.

conflicted

2009-05-06T00:44:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want. See, growing up, I always had my mind set on one thing or another, but it was always one thing at a time. For example, when I was little, I wanted to be a vet, when I got older(and really into horses) I wanted to be a jockey, a little bit older, and I wanted to do therapy with Horses, and finally in high school, something with ASL. Last year was horrible, and although it seemed like CSUN was the best place to achieve the ASL goal, I hated the school, and it's philosophy towards hearing people/interpreters/etc. So I switched to Biola. I thought I was okay with not really being able to do ASL, because if God was calling me to Biola, then it must not be in His plan right now for me to pursue Sign Language. However, I finished up ASL 3, because they offered it, and I had already taken 1 and 2, and 3 finished up my requirement. I also wanted to take it. My original goal was to take through level 5 and be done. Then I met the ASL 3 teacher. She is amazing, and really helped me to see that I didn't HAVE to drop ASL because there's a community college nearby that offers a REALLY GOOD interpreting program. So I worked out all the details, and enrolled in two classes. The problem started when the 8 am class just became too much for me to handle. I kept skipping because my schedule requires me to be up late most nights and operating on little to no sleep just doesn't work for me. So I struggled, and was doing ok, but not very well, and finally just got so discouraged, that I dropped the classes last monday. Here's where the problem arises. I'm happy that I can sleep in, and that my schedule is remarkably freer, but I feel like I'm letting go of something that is really important in my life. At first I was okay with it, but I have a friend who is taking an interpreting class at another community college right now, and I'm kind of jealous that she can do that so easily. Bottom line is, I really want Torrey, and I really want ASL, but apparently I can't do both at the same time. For now I've chosen Torrey, but I'm not sure how I'll feel if I wait until I graduate Biola to pick ASL back up again. I'm worried that I'll be so worn out by school that I won't have the energy to continue, that I'll just want to be done. I worry that I'll never have the ability to really make myself go to a class that starts at 8, so that I have to get up before 7 in order to be there on time. Thew problem was not that the class was too hard, it was that I did not have the will power to get up in the morning, knowing that it would make my normal tiredness just that much worse. Granted, usually when I get up and get going it wears off a little bit, but not enough for me to be okay with it when I could sleep till 12 otherwise. I really want ASL, but I want Torrey too, and I don't know how to reconcile the two. They seem to be conflicting interests simply because I am inadequate to do them both, and that really makes it hard for me to know what is right. Was God, in calling me to Biola(and it seemed like a pretty clear call to me) telling me that ASL was not what He wanted in my life? But if so, then why did I meet Koreen, and why did it seem possible, only to become not possible because sleep rules my life? Was it His way of telling me to grow up and deal with being tired all the time? That it doesn't have to rule my life, and it's ok to be tired because I'm doing what He wants? It just doesn't seem like there is a real answer. Either me allowing myself to sleep is a sign of immaturity that God was trying to get me to work on by giving me an 8 am class, or He doesn't want me to do ASL, one of the biggest passions I have, or I was confused about His desire for me to be at Biola, or Biola is only supposed to be temporary, to get me from place to another, and I'm supposed to go back to ASL(either at CSUN, or at Mt. SAC, either way)because God just needed to get me back on track instead of continuing to run away. Problem with that Biola only being temporary is that I don't feel the desire to leave. I still wanna be here, I am slowly making connections with people, and getting a great education. Which also cancels out my being mistaken about ever coming here to begin with. Which leaves either I'm supposed to drop ASL for now, it's God telling me, not yet, or I'm supposed to grow up and push through being tired. Seems like the latter is the right answer, but at least right now I don't see how that is really possible. It's all so confusing.

UCLA festival of books

2009-05-05T23:43:00.000-07:00

Told you it was coming soon :). On Sunday, April 26th, I drove up to Northridge, picked up Lizzie, and off we went to the festival. We went last year too, so it's kinda becoming a tradition for us. :) We met Sam, one of her friend's from high school, that she introduced me to last year :), and began exploring. For the first few minutes we browsed the children's books and just walked around until Sam got there. Then we went in search of comic books. The most amazing thing happened on our way to the comic books. We passed by the LA Times stage, and who should be speaking but Marlee Matlin! I didn't recognize her at first, just saw that there was someone on the stage signing, so I stopped to watch for a few minutes, then they said her name. I was soooo excited. Apparently she wrote a book, and autobiography, and was talking about it. We were headed to hear Ariana Huffington(sp?) speak, and when that didn't work out we were able to go to Marlee's book signing. :) It pretty much made my day.

Getting ready in the morning

Car ride over(I promise, the car was stopped at a light when she took the picture:) )

Right after we got there, a nice lady asked us if we wanted her take our picture, so she did, then we took her's and her friend's. :)

Marlee Matlin, at the LA Times stage, her book, and getting to meet her. :)

"Longest" story in the world, a conglomerate of different people's ideas, all written down on slips of paper, makes the story 130 some odd feet long. :) Sam paid a dollar and I got to add a sentence.

Sad faces when we couldn't find funnel cake at the end of the day.

coming soon...

2009-05-02T00:58:00.000-07:00

when I get the time and energy to upload pictures, I will blog about my day at UCLA'S festival of books. Lots of fun, but it's late, and I have a lot to do over the next few days. At least it is something to look forward to though. :)

free! free! free!

2009-04-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

Alright, it took me a while to do this(sorry Emily, but at least I'm doing it right? :P) but, here we go.

I like giving things to people, so here's the deal. Emily participated in a giveaway and I thought I would too. The first 5 people to respond get a really cool gift from me. Sounds fun right? The only catch is that if you respond you have to give something away to someone else. Doesn't matter how many people or what it is, as long as it's something. you also get to choose how to advertise. I also make no guarantees as to what I will give you, because I don't know who will respond yet. So start responding. :)

fun times :P

2009-03-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

I got called in to work tonight, so I told them yes, cuz who would turn down the chance to make money right? I had nothing going on tonight anyway. :) I got a parade shift, which basically means that I got to stand somewhere and tell people which direction to walk, while being yelled at by those same people because they want to walk the other way. Not too bad, my voice is almost gone from all of the yelling, and one of the other cast members was flirting with me the entire time. It was actually really funny because I wound up trying to explain my Torrey paper to him, and thus Torrey, and how we read all this classical literature and then discuss it. When I mentioned Aristotle, he said "Oh Aristotle, he was the guy who invented the telescope right?" and I said, "nooooo, Aristotle was a philosopher" his response? "But he was in Astronomy too right? He was the guy that discovered that everything revolves around the sun." I'm having a really hard time not laughing at this point, trying to explain who Aristotle was, and that it was actually Galileo who discovered that everything revolves around the sun. It was kinda cute though, cuz I think he was trying to impress me. Gave me entertainment for the night anyway, until he asked if I had a boyfriend. I was actually smart this time and just said "it's complicated" but still, why is it that all of the guys I might be interested in at Biola I don't have a relationship with, and every guy I'm not interested in is so curious to know if I have a boyfriend or not? *sigh* life can be so frustrating.

ahhhh Northridge :)

2009-03-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

I got to go up to Northridge again on Friday and hang out with Kate and Johnny. It was a lot of fun, it was like everything we did last year all over again. Good times. We went to In-N-Out, and then to the Porter Ranch Starbucks deaf coffee night. I got a lot of practice reading what other people were saying cuz we met a lot of people that Kate and Johnny know, but since I didn't know them, I just watched. It was good practice. Then we went to a deaf club in LA (free entry, what's better than that?). I got to meet their friend Hudson, who is also deaf(that's how we found out about the club), and when we got there hung out with Kate while Johnny and Hudson socialized. We got to dance a little bit, but mostly watched everyone else dance(for those of you who are wondering, they turn up the bass really loud so that you can feel the beat). It was pretty amazing, they had one of those dance off kind of things, where everyone gets in a circle while two people are in the middle and doing different dance moves, and trying to better moves than the other. The funny part was that at the end these two guys started acting out parts, so that one was acting like a girl while the other was the guy and they were sort of telling a story with the dancing, like he was chasing her, trying to get her attention, and she's not interested. It was a lot of fun. When we got back we watched Watchmen online, and I got to spend the night. Awwww hooray for old times and slumber parties :). Sorry I don't have pictures, I am chronically bad about remembering to take my camera anywhere.

general updates

2009-03-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Dr. Henderson, I am interpreting the High school Sunday school class for a girl named Louise. It's pretty exciting. The biggest problem is that she only knows SEE Signing(signed exact english) and I'm learning ASL. Two totally different signing systems. SEE signs use a lot of initialized signs, and some of the signs that aren't initialized are the same as ASL signs, but have different meanings. The sing for "sin" in SEE signing is nearly the same as the sign for "argue" in ASL. I'm a little bit worried. The biggest think I'm worried about is, obviously, that I'll confuse the two, and start using SEE signs in a conversation in ASL(Louise's parents said she knows enough ASL that using ASL signs with her is not a problem). The other problem is that SSE signing is looked down on in the deaf community because it's not a "real" language like ASL is because it's taking English and conveying it with your hands, whereas ASL has it's own sentence structure, and grammar, etc.

Aside from that,I have now had three days of training at Disneyland. I get to operate Star Tours, which is kinda perfect, cuz I love Star Wars. :) The first day was called Traditions. It was basically a big overview of general instructions. Day two was "guest interactions" day, where I walked around the park with my trainer and got used to talking to the guests, pin trading, and answering general questions. I also got to spend a couple of hours reading the general Operations Guide for park emergencies, and parades, and the codes I need to know, etc. When we were done with the training part we still about an hour and a half left before we could clock out, so we went on some of the rides(well, actually only space mountain and Sleeping Beauty Castle walk through) and got to see how the Star Tours shuttle moves(we got to go into the pit and look at it from the bottom. It's pretty intense) Today was actual ride operations training. The worst part was that I had to get UP at 3:45 am in order to be there by 5. (it only takes about 20 min. to drive there, but they have us park a ways off then just shuttle us in, so you have to leave time for taking the shuttle) I learned how to open and close the doors, what to say, how to make sure the shuttle is ready for takeoff, how to group the guests for entry(called grouping, go figure) how to work the turnstile, how to greet people when they come in the front door, and how to work in the tower(mostly just watching the monitors to make sure all the guests are ok, this also includes knowing which ride stop to use should I need to stop the ride) all this took about 8 hours. I then came home and crashed. The rest of my day has been homework, not too exciting, but a nice break from the hectickness(is that even a word?) of this morning. :)

gah!!!

2009-03-04T22:17:00.000-08:00

Bad week. So far I have forgotten to turn in a pull question, and forgotten an appointment with my mentor(well, I didn't completely forget, I just switched the days around, I thought it was Thursday, and it was on Tuesday, but still a bad situation) so basically, this week was the most detrimental to my grade it could POSSIBLY be. Apparently I'm not handling the stress of the other classes as well as I thought. Pray please? Things can;t get much worse at this point.

hyper

2009-02-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

Ahhhhh! I'm so hyper right now, I can hardly sit still. :) I thought today was going to be hard because I had to wake up at 6 (and lying in bed awake till 12:30 doesn't help when you need lots of slepp to function well) However, I managed to pull myself out of bed and get to Mt. SAC by 7:30 (which was my goal) I was a little bit worried about getting the classes I wanted because they were both supposedly full and both had some students on the wait list(I didn't know how to get on it, so I wasn't) I figured I would just show up and hope that I could add them, AND IT WORKED!!! I got both classes! I'm soooo super excited right now!!! After all the stress over break about them being closed, I got them anyway! And apparently saving those energy pills for today was good idea, because at this moment I am FULL OF IT!!! Session will definitely be interesting today :)

New and different

2009-02-22T21:53:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Bible study I was invited to by the girl who does the massages at the chiropractor I was trying out. It was nice, the people were really friendly and from what I could tell, there wasn't anything wrong with the doctrine. I did notice however, that the way they prayed was exactly the way my friend Lauren's church prays(she's pentecostal). I thought that that was kind of interesting, since they classify themselves as non-denominational. I figured I would try their church tonight, and it was certainly a new experience. They are a spanish speaking church(so they have those hearing devices which enabled me to hear it translated into english), and I'm pretty sure that although they are "non-denominational" the pastor or those in charge must have come from a pentecostal church. They talked about speaking in tongues, and again prayed the way Lauren's church does(I really don't know how to describe it very well, they got up and walked around, and prayed out loud with a sort of chanting rhythm). Again, what I understood of the message(the girl translating was just bi-lingual, not an interpreter, so I had a hard time following most of what was going on) didn't seem off, but I don't really know. It was really nice though, it was like being back at COC again. They were happy to see me, and made me feel welcomed. It's the kind of church you can get involved in, instead of just showing up and being another number. I don't think I'll go back, mostly because of what I've already mentioned, and it's kinda far to be driving to every week(10 miles, 20 min. drive) but it does seem that if it weren't for the discrepancies and the distance it's really a church I could have become very happy with.

whew!

2009-02-21T01:38:00.000-08:00

Today was a very long day. I went from chapel, to the Chiropractor, to home, back to school, to a meeting with Dr. Vincent, to hanging out with Amberly. I got up at 9:10(I NEVER get up that early, but apparently that will soon become my "sleeping in" time) and am still awake, because I have (thankfully)no definite plans for tomorrow, and it doesn't seen to matter when I go to bed, I'm awake till about now anyway. Hanging out was fun, I got to have a picnic at La Mirada Park, and worked on some hw(until it got too dark) watched half of the Lacross game, then just waited till 9:45 when we started x-3. :) Fun day, but long and tiring, I think it might be bedtime.

Kate

2009-02-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

I think I finally realized WHY everything was so different in my relationship with Kate than it is with everyone else I am friends with, and also probably why I never really feel like myself except around her and Johnny. I think it's because they're older. I don't have to sort of take care of them, and I'm not the most mature person in the group when I'm with them. Growing up, my role in my group of friends was essentially the caretaker. I was, although not the oldest(Jenny is 15 days older), certainly the most mature. I was also the most emotionally stable. Therefore, I guess I was sort of the leader(when Noelle wasn't around). Knowing my personality, I HATE leading. I can do it if I have to, but I am not a leader. Being put into the situation where that's what I did all the time I think is part of why I never felt, even around my friends, like I could be myself, or even really knew what that looked like. When I started spending time with Kate and Johnny, I was the youngest. There was no need for me to be the "leader" because they weren't going to look at it that way. In fact, the few times I tried to do that they told me, for all intents and purposes, no. I found out that I can be sarcastic. I guess I am sort of with my friends from home, but not really. I think its because of the role that I play. Sarcasm can hurt, so I generally stay away from it. I didn't have to with Kate and Johnny because they weren't going to be hurt by it. The problem here at Biola, then, is that most of the kids in my Torrey group are younger than I am. I have a hard time not forcing myself back into that role of leadership, or whatever you want to call it, because I am one of the few kids that are older(there are a few that are older than I am). Of those that are older, I know their personality types are not like Kate and Johnny's. They are like Phillip, and any number of his friends that you can think of that either went to Grace, or AKX. I don't know how to explain it other than that. I had fun with Amberly yesterday, but it is really hard for me to be myself around those who are younger than I am. I guess I've just been trained into it. And that's not to say that I can't get close to those who are younger than I(all of my friends besides Kate and Johnny are younger) just that I don't think I can reach the same level of comfort and truly feeling like I can be myself with them. After having experienced it once, I think I'll always look for it, which means I may never be quite satisfied.

Valentines Day

2009-02-15T13:31:00.000-08:00

I actually had a good Valentines Day this year. I think this was the first year where I actually went out and DID something. :) I got a hold of Amberly(one of the girls in my group) and we went down to Huntington beach for the day. We walked in the water(no we were not actually stupid enough to go swimming in it!) and read a chapter of Ovid together. Then we perused the shops across the street and went to Ruby's for dinner. It was really relaxing and a lot of fun, although in the evening it was EXTREMELY cold. :P We got back around nine, so that was my day. The best I've had in a while :)

RIP Poco

2009-02-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

Poco died tonight of unknown causes, although Parvo is suspected. He was a happy little dog and although he was a handful sometimes he was always happy to see you when you walked through the door. He was only with us for six months, but he became a part of our family and will be missed. I really did like him better than I said :)RIP little one.

two things...

2009-02-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

First of all, apparently, I'm sick. I woke up with a tickle in my throat, and not only has it not gone away, i now have a headache as well, and generally feel pretty bad right now. The other thing is this, I've realized that Biola(or at least my Torrey group) is exactly, EXACTLY, like Grace...not quite as bad as Calvary, but still. Trying not to be cynical, but come on. Every single time? Seems to be a pattern with me. Actually, I take that back, COC is the one exception.

On a Happier Note

2009-02-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

I got to visit the ASL one class tonight, taught by the same Lady that taught my ASL three class last semester. I love her. She's so funny and personable, it just made my night, even after the stress with the Chiropractor. It was really her that got me interested in ASL again after the disaster that was CSUN. I was pretty much doing it here, with the thought that if it worked out for me to keep going somewhere else, then I would but it wasn't very high on my priority list. She really has such a love for the language and the deaf community, it's hard to not fall in love with it yourself. So after Dinner I went to say hi, and just hang out. It really brightened my mood to be able to sit there and see the other students and laugh at the jokes, because she has so much energy, she makes class a lot of fun. :) The nice thing too is that I might, quite possibly, be able to be the ASL TA this semester. So while that means mountains of grading, it will help me with my skills and I get paid to do it. :) I'm very excited and I hope it works out.

i guess i should've asked BEFORE I made the appointment...

2009-02-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

so, update on the Chiropractic issue, for those of you who don't know,m i was going to one in Orange, but had to switch when I got a super big bill over winter break, and found out that she is out of network so insurance won't cover it. I figured it was worth trying this other guy the insurance company recommended because he's in network so they're supposed to pay for it(or so I though) I have now found out that there is still a huge deductible, that needs to be paid before they will pay anything, although it is half of the other deductible for going out of network. They are nice people and are trying to work it out, and haven't charged me yet, because they're trying to get things worked out with the insurance company first. However, I found out tonight that if for whatever reason they can't get it worked out and I have to pay the whole cost of everything, I will owe them $150 for this week. He wants me to come in three times this week, $50 an appointment. I freaked out a little bit when the office lady told me that, so she did say if I need to I can do a payment plan, but there is no way, even if I get a job, that I can afford $150 a week in chiropractic, it just isn't going to happen. *sigh* Unfortunately, I didn't ask how expensive each visit was going to be until after I made the appointment for Friday. And today's appointment, well, it wasn't completely clear that I was going to adjusted again, all he said was that he wanted to go over the x-rays with me, which he did, but I also got adjusted again. Apparently I needed it, because there was some major popcorn in my lower back, but still. They also have me getting massages each time, so that's why it's $50, other wise it would be $35. Oh yes, they're charging me for something that seems to be a regular part of treatment from them. If they can;'t get it worked out, I'll either go back to the other place I was going to($40 a visit, and I feel more comfortable there anyway) or drive in to see Cheeley. Either way it would be much cheaper. The thing about this place too is that is connected with PIH, so it's more like a Dr.'s office. Stiff and formal, wearing one of those gown thingys, anyway, it doesn't feel like a place where I can say, I'm only coming in once a week, like I can with either Cheeley or Dr. Anne. Cheeley would be the least expensive, till gas goes up, but Dr. Anne is closer, so I guess it just depends on which I find more valuable, time or money. Grrr...it's all very frustrating.

it's late...

2009-01-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

and I need to go to bed, but right no, I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed. I just got four e-mails from my Torrey Mentor outlining some of what this semester is going to be like, and I am VERY GLAD I don't have more than Torrey and gymnastics to take at Biola. Today was a fun day, I got to see my friend Kate, from Northridge, at her Bridal shower. I miss her to death most of the time, and each chance I get to see her is a special treat. :) However, on the drive home, I realized just how much I am not a part of her life any more, and although it was only for one year, I was very much a part of her life while I was there. I have also been feeling overwhelmed for a while, but most of break I just took it easy. well, as of tomorrow, break is officially over, I go back to school, and I can't escape the stress anymore by simply putting it off. There have been several times over the break when I thought about my Don Rags appointment, when I was told, "you did fairly well, considering the course load you had. Next semester however, you're going to have a lighter load, so while it will be easier to manage all of the assignments, there is going to be more required of you." To everyone else, I nodded yes and asserted that I could do it. To my self? I feel like pulling my hair and screaming "I CAN'T DO ANY BETTER!" It's a very scary thought knowing that I will have more asked of me, and feeling completely deficient in every way, and not knowing if even if I try harder, if I can do better. I can spend more time on notes, true, but can I give them what they are looking for? It doesn't seem like it. It's at times like now with all of the stress trying to get the right classes at the right times through Mt. SAC and stressing over the work I have to do for Torrey that I have this little voice in the back of my mind saying " See? you shold have just stayed at CSUN. It was a cheap school, so you'd have few, if any loans, you had a great job, and really close friends. Now everything is that much harder to achieve what you want. You can still go back..." but I don't want to go back. That would be truly running away, and I'm tired of running away. It's just so hard not to...

ugh

2009-01-20T18:13:00.000-08:00

my wisdom teeth are now out...let the torture begin, but at least it's the last mouth surgery i should need for a VERY LONG time.

Chicken Noodle Soup

2008-12-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

I'm a little bit sick right now(thankfully not too bad, hooray for vitamins and Zicam! mostly just a slight headache and persistent, but manageable sore throat)and last night, and early today I just really wanted some chicken noodle soup. So I prayed and asked God to make it so that they had chicken noodle soup in the caf(something they haven't offered yet) and you know what? for dinner tonight we had chicken noodle soup! I was happy. :)

YAY!!!

2008-12-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

I'm done with Don Rags!!! I'm sooo excited I got an A-!!! I was worried that I was gonna get a B(which is bad, a B means you're on probation)but I didn't!!! :) I also finally got my paper back. I got an 84, which was lower than I thought. Part of it was because I used a quote from House, and Miss Meline(the writing director) doesn't know who he is. She thought he was some modern psychologist. Not that using the quote was terribly smart, but still. Over all I'm pleased. :)

frustrated

2008-12-06T00:53:00.000-08:00

Mt. SAC closed(or maybe it filled up, I don't know) the ASL 4 class that worked with my schedule, and now the ASL structure class I was going to take is gone too!!! gahhhh! So now I'm enrolled at both Mt. SAC and Golden West college(for some reason they changed the timing of their ASL 4 class so that it does work.) but apparently won't be actually taking any classes as Mt. SAC and I haven't heard from GWC yet about my registration. Hopefully I can still take ASL 4 there. I don't know, but I'm getting really frustrated because I'm trying to make this work, and it's not, and had I known about the classes not being available at Mt. SAC I could have gone to Greece this summer! So now I'm not really sure what to do. I felt like this was where God was leading me, He gave me an interest in Sign Language, so I should pursue it right? Apparently He has other plans, but I'd really like to know what they are! I know I was not supposed to be at Northridge, and Mt. SAC seemed like the perfect alternative...the only other thing I can think of is that maybe I'm supposed to finish here in three years and then go back and work on ASL later, but I'm not sure I can handle the course load that would be required of me to finish in three years(total, 2 1/2 now) I'd have to have 18 units every semester, and granted, the hardest part would be the survey classes, which would be over next semester(or I guess the semester after now) I just don't want to put myself through that. I'm so confused and frustrated right now, I have no idea what to do.

A decision has been made...

2008-11-12T17:19:00.000-08:00

Sadly, despite what I told everyone a few days ago...I will not be able to go on the Torey Europe Trip. :( Due to Mt. SAC's academic calender I will still be in school through mid June. *sigh* oh well. Just thought I'd let you know.

Thank you God!

2008-11-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

Prop. 8 passed!!! Marriage is now defined as between one man and one woman in California. Thank you God almighty!

petting cats :P

2008-11-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

In my English class the other day my professor brought up why he thought dogs were the God's favorite animal. He said things like thy have God's name in them...and they are NOT cats. :) therefore, according to him, because dogs are God's favorite animal, and cats are opposite of dogs, cats are evil. The first thought that popped into my mind was "and that's why petting cats is a sin" :)

mmmmm

2008-10-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

Friday was nice, well mostly. After a VERY stressful mid rags meeting, I took the day off and went to Disneyland with my friend Lauren. It was truly beneficial. I got to forget, for the day at least, all the worries and stress I had been under for the past couple of weeks preparing for my ASL presentation/mid rags/American lit test(Thursday night, Friday morning, and Monday morning respectively) and just have FUN. Seriously, thank God for Disneyland. While we were there we got to ride Space Mountain(I had never been on it). While we were in line, we entertained ourselves by taking pictures and singing the "move it move it" song from Madagascar. :) We just hung out. I haven't been able to do that in a while. It was nice. No worries about how much we were spending, or getting to all the rides(cuz we both have passes) all in all a very relaxing day. (and in case you were wondering, I didn't COMPLETELY ditch my homework for the day, I read King Lear when we got back to her house.)

:)

2008-10-16T21:52:00.001-07:00

Just thought I'd throw this out there: Dr. Reynolds likes Twilight. :)

Reynolds Session

2008-10-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

I had my second Reynolds session on Tuesday. It was great! part way through, he was asking one of the guys in my group what his name but wasn't getting a complete answer, I think he must have asked three different times, and each time got part of his name. So in the middle of session, Dr. Reynolds called Drew's(that's the guys name) mom, and asked her to corroborate what Drew had told him! It was hilarious!!!

musings

2008-10-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking on and off for a little while now about some stuff. Mainly why after I thought I had dealt with what happened at Calvary I was still kind of bitter and angry. At Ladies Night during Torrey Convocation after the games were done they had us sit down and think for a while. I don't really remember what the thinking exercise was, but it made me realize something: 1) part of the reason why I took the year at Calvary so hard was because I wasn't exactly emotionally stable to begin with, and 2) if that's true, then everything I've felt stems from one major event in my life: the death of my aunt. Thinking about it, I think that's right. She died when I was nine. Later that same year, my best friend moved away. Shortly after that the only friend I had at the church I was going to moved, so I had no friends at church because I didn't fit in with the other girls there. Three years later, I went to Calvary. A year after that I had another major blow up with a close friend, and two years after that a girl I thought I was friends with, pretty close friends with actually, starts ignoring me. A year CSUN, and it's general unhappiness, although that last one wasn't really a bad experience, just a growing experience. Now, after seeing the sequence of major hurtful things in my life, I think each was worse than the last because I let the hurt from the previous carry over into the next. I.e. my aunt died. I think in retrospect that I got pretty mad at God for that one. I was really close with her. I prayed for a year and a half for her to get better and she didn't. I think I felt either abandoned by God or that maybe He was never there to begin with, that He just didn't care enough. I know in my head that that's not true, but getting my heart to believe it is another story. So, assuming that my feelings on that case are correct, then my best friend moving was just another score against Him, why should I have to deal with two major losses in one year? My other friend moving, leaving me totally alone at this church, again, why would God allow that? Why me? Three years later, the hurt of having no friends at that church still haunts me sorta, because it's a fear now. If I had no friends at one point then there must be a reason for it right? Something wrong with me? If God didn't care enough why should anyone else?(these weren't really my thoughts at the time. I had no idea why I was so angry when the other girls didn't really do anything to me, just that I was) So I go into Calvary with self-esteem issues. Self fulfilling prophecy maybe? Maybe, maybe not. Anger at them for rejecting me so completely, anger with God for letting happen, again. A year later it happens again. I have a blow up with a friend. I see a pattern start to develop, so I pull away from a lot of people, keep to myself, don't let myself get close to people. It's better that way. I'm a book worn by nature, so why not utilize that passion? I bring books to school now and spend most of my time reading. Books can't hurt you. Two years later I start feeling distant from the one friend I had let myself get close too. She was hurting too, so I figured it was probably safe. Wrong. She just got tired of me. Decided that I was judgmental because I had different conservative opinions, even though I mostly kept them to myself. Another score against God. Every person I ever got close to was taken from me. (Except for Jenny and Lauren, but I've had a hard time getting even them to stay as close as we once were) Anger, anger, anger. I realized that I really have not felt God's presence since as long as I can remember. That when I pray, all I feel like is happening is that I'm talking to myself. I know I say the right words and do the right things, but that's really easy when you know what Those are. I haven't had a real relationship with Him since my Aunt died. I don't doubt my salvation, just the depth of the relationship. I think the fact that I'm here at Biola of my own free will, that it was something I wanted is a good sign. I know I'm moving in the right direction, and I feel a connection now and then. It's not great, but I'm working on it. Maybe I'm finally starting to accept my life occurrences, and to let go of the anger. I know that maybe I'll never really understand why it happened, but I think I'm getting to the point where I'm ok with that.

fires

2008-10-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

It's fire season again. this year there happens to be a fire in Porter Ranch. Porter Ranch is 10 minutes from Northridge. I still have friends up there, and apparently it's bad enough for them to have closed school at least for today. I also just found out that there's a fire in San Bernardino. My family is there. So please pray for those two areas in particular, as well as a general prayer for all the other areas being affected. Thanks.

Abiding in Him

2008-10-09T22:57:00.001-07:00

I was at After Dark(Biola's Wednesday night chapel)with my friend Seth. During the first part, the people in charge read John 15:1-11 to us(you know, the passage about He is the vine we are the branches, if we abide in Him, He'll abide in us, we need to bear fruit, and those who don't will be cut off...very rough paraphrase) then put a few questions on the screen. The first one was "What does it mean to abide in Him?" after showing us a couple more questions, they told us to get into small groups and discuss our answers to the questions. Seth asked me what my answer was, and I told him that my dad had told me a few years ago, as part of a Bible study, about being filled with the Spirit, and that that's what I thought to abide in Him meant. That we were essentially drunk with Him, that He would effect all the decisions we made. Seth said then that he thought that my definition of it wasn't quite right, that if you were a Christian you would be filled with the spirit. According to the part where it says that you will be cut off you don't exhibit fruit, you probably aren't saved if you're not exhibiting fruit. I mentioned what Phil told me about this passage, that God will allow you to die if you're a christian, but hurting your witness, and the witness of others by your actions, like someone who drinks, does drugs, etc, and God knows they won't turn back to Him. That lead into a definition of what was meant by "fruit" if it were both the outward, and the inward, or if just having inward fruit would count as showing fruit. I said that having just inward fruit was enough, basically, personality fruit, like kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, etc., the fruits of the spirit. He was saying that if you have the inward fruit, you should be showing outward fruit, like not using bad language, dressing modestly, going to church etc. That where Paul says that you know a christian by his fruits is not just referring to others knowing you are a christian, but you yourself knowing you are a christian. That if you don't have the outward fruits, you probably don't have the inward fruits, and therefore probably aren't saved. We didn't come a conclusion. Any ideas on what we talked about?

haha!!!

2008-10-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

this just recently appeared on the BUBBS classifieds listing:

Selling friend!

His name is Jonathan and he will go with you to ALL your classes! If you need a friend, Jonathan is for YOU!!! Best offer. Starting at $10.00 BUBBS me back.

Connections

2008-10-06T00:31:00.000-07:00

Hey guess what? Apparently one Tiana's friends who did Bible bridge with her, who is also from the Chicago area originally, has a mom, and a brother who work for Awana. How cool is that? :)

Help!

2008-09-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so maybe it doesn't need to be that dramatic, but I do need help. If any of you know of a job (preferably nearby, or one that is easily accessible by bus/bike/walking)I would REALLY appreciate it. I do have a job teaching swim lessons for the school, but it's an hour and a half a week, hardly enough for spending money. :P I did also go to the Uptown Whittier YMCA today, but I'm not too hopeful. They said they weren't hiring, but accepting applications. Hopefully it works out, but if not, I really something more than what I have. Any suggestions?

Good influence?

2008-09-10T01:35:00.000-07:00

Haha, the other day I went to a birthday dinner for one of my friends. The original plan was to surprise her in the park with cupcakes, but instead she wanted to go out. So we did...to a sushi place. I had never had sushi before...I don't even like seafood. However, I DID eat a fair amount. :P some of it wasn't too bad even, especially the ones that had shrimp in them(and I REALLY don't like shrimp!) I guess there's hope for me after all. :)

P.s. I don't think I'll be eating any more sushi any time soon though. Unless I wind up accidentally going somewhere for someone's birthday again. :)

Session

2008-09-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

I had my second Torrey Session today, and it really went much better than the first I think. It was a more interesting discussion than Tuesday's because unlike Tuesday, we talked more about the themes in the book(we even got into the discussion of what's the difference between truth and fact) The opening question was "how true is this book?" so then we decided to define what was meant by true, and from there started talking about fictional stories, and the three little pigs was even mentioned. :) Once we got off that topic it was a lot of fun to discuss Homer's world view in the Iliad, and whether or not it made the book "true" regardless of how factual it was. All in all it was a good session. And Lord Voldemort got put on a par with Nietzsche.It was very entertaining.

LOST

2008-08-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like you don't know who you are? Ever realize that you lost yourself somewhere and can't find find your way back? Think about living like that for eight years? It's happened to me. In growing up I let other people make me feel like who I was wasn't okay, that I needed to change to become acceptable. That I needed to wear a mask, a costume, to fit in. The only thing is, I've worn this disguise for so long I no longer know what I look like without it. I don't really know what my true interests are, or where I fit in. I seem to be able to know where I DON'T fit in(mostly after trying it out first)but can't figure out where I DO, and unfortunately, trial and error is not a very good way to figure things out. I seem to be able to catch glimpses of myself though. Those days when I'm having a really good day, when I'm just happy for no reason, are the days I truly believe that I have let go of my uncertainty and am myself. Sadly most of the time I am slightly depressed, and always exhausted. Those are the days when I'm struggling for identity, when all I want is a break but can't seem to get it. I've lost myself. No matter how hard I search, I can't seem to find it again. I fear it may be permanent.

The Dark Knight (updated)

2008-07-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

While on vacation, I decided to see it again. I didn't like it too well the first time, but it was also late at night, so I thought if I saw it during the day, and since it was the second time, maybe it would grow on me a bit. Nope. The joker was way too creepy both times. Surprisingly enough, two-face wasn't too bad, but man, the joker *shudders*. I did realize though that the ending really redeemed what I didn't like about the rest of the movie. They went pretty in depth about how sometimes what we deserve is not what we need. I like that. So, overall, no it's not a movie I wanna own, but I will say that I don't regret seeing it, or paying for full price for it for that matter. :) I have now seen it a third time(my friend Kayla was paying and that's what she wanted to see, so we did) and realized that my aversion to it the second time was largely due to the fact that I was alone.I t wasn't so bad this last time. So my conclusion is: don't go see it alone, and don't see it too late at night. You'll like it better that way. I think it's also starting to grow on me since I've seen it three times. :)

more choices

2008-07-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

I've realized recently that the major I picked, English with an emphasis on secondary Education, may not be what I really want to major in. I though about it and I realized that although I like English, and wouldn't mind being a teacher, the real reason I chose it is because it would be an easy degree for me to get. I don't know for certain what I DO want to major in, but psychology has come up before, so I've decided to at least give it a thought. The more I've thought about it, the more it makes sense. I like studying people, and I like hearing their stories. The fact that all, or many of my friends, have serious problems and that I've been through some things that weren't particularly easy either(although, granted, no where near what they went through)how I'm finally dealing with it, and my desire to help people also seems to point me in that direction. The fact that these people seem to be drawn to me(well, me to them too, but still, we become friends, and then they tell me their problems)kinda makes me think. The fact that I've survived in tact, and not too depressed, or otherwise pulled down, by the fact that these people are some of my closest friends means, to me, that I have a certain strength in that area. I don't know, but it just seems like it might be worth looking into. For now, I'm gonna stick with the classes and major I have, just so I don't wind up with no major, and no classes(or too few, a problem either way). But prayer for me as I decide and check this out would be greatly appreciated. :)

update

2008-06-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Just to let all of you know, the blood results came back and I don't have hypoglycemia, and they tested me at the Dr.'s office, and I don't really have asthma either. so I guess we'll just wait and see if anything else pops up, and otherwise just try to make sure I eat right

why?

2008-06-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

Why does it seem that when everything is finally going right, a bomb (or in my case a few) gets dropped in your lap? Why is it that the people you are closest to are the ones who are soonest to push you away when they start to make the wrong decisions? and WHY WHY WHY can't I stop caring? I know it's not helping me to continue to try to reason with her, and I know that no matter what I say it won't make a difference, but I don't wanna see her get hurt, and I just can't stop myself. I am praying for her, but I also wish she would just realize that I'm not out to get her, nor am I jealous of her happiness. Why can't I make the difference in people's lives that I thought I could? and why is this affecting me so much?

What a day!

2008-05-10T18:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with less time to get everything done I wanted to because I got called into work. This of course added unneeded stress to my day. Which put me in sort of a bad mood, but at least I got all the important things done before I had to leave. Then, on the way to work, someone rear-ended me. Now, this is the amazing part, there was NO DAMAGE to the car!!! And it got hit by an explorer. Even more funny is that the Explorer did get hurt, the license plate got ripped out of the from bumper. :p Then, at work, this 30-40 year old guy( I don't exactly how old he is because I'd never seen him before) asked me out. I told him no, but still, creepy right? Then, on my way back, I stopped at Vons to deposit my paycheck and get some strawberries. As I was leaving, the traffic was soooo ridiculous it took me TEN MINUTES to get out of the parking lot. I'm glad the day is almost over, and I just relax. *whew*

On a Happier Note

2008-05-03T01:16:00.000-07:00

I saw Moulin Rouge for the time on Sunday. I LOVED IT!!! My friend Kate has it, so she let me borrow it, and I've watched it a couple of times now. The music is amazing, and although the storyline is sad, the acting is wonderful. Kinda silly in parts, but it's not the kind of silly you're supposed to take seriously, it's the kind of silly, that knows it's dumb, and just does it anyway to make you laugh at how stupid it is. While I'm doing a sort of movie reviews post, I might as well talk about P.S. I Love You too. Sweet story line, complete surprise ending, at least in part, and the acting is pretty good. Some content, unfortunately, and not all of it is flash backs of her and her husband, but it's rated pg-13, so I guess that's why. Love it. One of my new favorite movies. Another good movie, Enchanted. Cute. No, more than cute, adorable. Charming, family friendly. Everything you'd expect a good old fashioned Disney movie to be. Except it's not old fashioned. :P Girly movie though. The guys are probably not gonna wanna watch this one. Course, then again, all of the movies I'm talking about right now are chick flicks, so that last comment doesn't really apply. Ummm, I guess that's all for now. :)

My Dad...

2008-05-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

has appendicitis. I found out tonight a few hours after they took him in. They didn't know for sure for a while, but they are sure now, and are taking him in for surgery tonight. Depending on whether or not there is infection, he could be in the hospital for a couple of days to a week. Apparently, appendicitis is not usually a big deal as long as the appendix has not ruptured, so he should be fine, but just pray for him, and the doctors. The the surgery goes/went well, and that no complications have occurred.